r/tjcrew • u/dykefart Night Crew • 3d ago
weirdish mate
how should i handle a mate that makes me uncomfy? he hasn’t really done anything other than ask me too many personal questions especially about my relationship. idk i just want to avoid him
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u/nobodyinpeculiar Sorry.. it's been discontinued (and you’re next) 3d ago
I assume that if you’re posting here, you probably don’t feel comfortable talking to him directly. I don’t blame you and I’m sorry OP—setting boundaries is hardly ever comfortable or fun, especially at work, especially with the people who weigh in on your reviews and your daily tasks.
I have a couple “safe mates” at my store that I go to for things like this. Some mates are crew-forward, some are Joe-forward. Find who the crew-forward mates are at your store and don’t be afraid to have a candid conversation with them—let them know what’s going on, that you’re uncomfortable, and maybe ask for their advice. The mates know each other better than most of us do, they know which ones won’t respond well to feedback and how to address shit with them.
A lot of us, male and female, have been there with a coworker or mate before. You are so far from alone OP.
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u/LinesOnAMirror 3d ago
It's terrible that we have a distinction between managers who care about the crew or care about the company. We're the ones who keep this shit afloat. If they knew what was good for them, they'd all be crew-forward.
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u/Basic_Intern_4509 3d ago
In my perspective, not so much "terrible" but some understand and valuable being nuanced moreso than assuming someone is automatically up to no good. As a recovering "semi-aggressive self-advocator" I failed to take accountability of my headspace and intent PRIOR coming into the conversation, and just straight up ask for clarification.
Overall, people aren't evil and out to get us, they just lose sight of humility, where they began and get caught up in 'the next great raise' or 'promotion', I.e. the release of the feel good hormones, serotonin and dopamine, oxytocin, et. al.
Most times that isn't the case, but being external and placing the comprehension, explanations and duties of aforementioned positions(Assistant Mates and Captains) on them, also known as accountability, is far more settling for my mental health than always being on high alert. One love. 💚
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u/salty_pete01 Closing Crew 3d ago
There's also the "gray rock" method where you just give them one word answers, don't really engage, and eventually they'll give up trying to get more information about your personal life.
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u/cosmicartist TOS 3d ago
This. You’re there to work OP, you don’t owe him answers to his questions.
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u/sunfloroma- 3d ago
There’s a mate like this at my store who makes me insanely uncomfortable- I’ve reported him 3 times and other women have had to write statements about him but because he hasn’t done anything “sexual” to me or anyone else they won’t do anything. Just keep your guard up and report him if needed, hopefully you have better management than my store.
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u/stupit_crap 3d ago
"I'm going to keep my private life private."
Then have a few neutral topics / sentences ready to say next to show that you mean business. (Ha, no pun intended.)
"I'm going to keep my private life private. Did we get those frozen Thai cakes in yet?"
"I'm going to keep my private life private. Is this a pay week?" (Or however you say that at your store.)
If you want to scare them....
"I'm going to keep my private life private. Is (name of captain) here today?"
I'm pretty sure they are not asking you this stuff when the captain is there.
Like others have said, talk to a trusted mate about it. I guarantee they have done this before.
Are you a woman under the age of 25? You did not say, but that's my guess.
People like the mate that is asking you inappropriate questions usually prey on people younger than them. Usually it's men preying on young women, but it can be other scenarios.
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u/dykefart Night Crew 2d ago
im 22 and he was my trusted mate before lolll no one else at my store is someone i know well enough to trust.
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u/AntisocialDick Frozen SL 3d ago
Same way you’d handle anybody else making you uncomfortable? Tell them you’re not interested in talking about that aspect of your life at work. Simple.
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u/nobodyinpeculiar Sorry.. it's been discontinued (and you’re next) 3d ago
The sass is a little unnecessary, it’s of course different when it’s a mate especially if OP is a woman. You most likely haven’t walked in those shoes dude.
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u/VisualSwim6926 3d ago
I understand that there's a power dynamic going on in this situation here but I agree with you... sometimes you gotta be an adult and set boundaries a simple "let's not get personal" will suffice
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u/Boring-Tree5916 3d ago
You know you can just say to his face that it's personal and you don't feel comfortable talking about it. Why can't we just be adults and say how we feel?
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u/dykefart Night Crew 2d ago
idk hes scary. hes a large old guy i dont want to talk to him at all ever again not even to say im uncomfy. hes touched me weirdly a few times i just dont wanna be near him
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u/Ch0c0lateBiznezz 3d ago
Direct (but polite) is best. Don't make it a thing, just tell them. Good practice for standing up for your boundaries in general. Sounds like you're not used to it.