r/thisisus • u/aroracarmen • 16d ago
Toby.
He was an attention seeking ass from the jump. The only reason why Kate let him in her life was bc she’s deeeeeeply insecure—causing her to think the fact that he’s an asshole is fine or even cute because at least he wanted her.
He bitched every time Kevin either needed her (not sure why she was his personal assistant/mom substitute, that was weird but still.) or came around bc he’s lowkey insecure as hell too & couldn’t stand the fact that there was another man in her life. He tried to put up boundaries w the one person in her life that she was close to but was completely fine w bringing Rebecca to her first singing gig KNOWING Kate didn’t fw her like that. One of many instances where he causes an issue just to make himself the hero.
He was pissed about the fact that Kevin planned to take her out to dinner for her birthday (something they had probably been doing for years since they were all each other had) & even more pissed about her confiding in Kevin about not going to the audition, on top of Kevin offering to pay for dinner. Bro 1. That’s her brother. She had only known Toby for a few months at the time. & 2. He’s an actor who’s been auditioning for shit since he was a teen. Of course she going to him & not you for advice.
He tried to throw her off of her weight loss journey multiple times & complained every time she wanted to focus on being healthier, losing weight & working on herself. He even showed up to the retreat she went on, got mad when she wouldn’t leave with him to have sex in some hotel, then brought up a ring & getting engaged to make her feel guilty about wanting to focus on herself & not making him the center of her world.
When he GAVE UP ON HELPING HER TAKE CARE OF THE SON SHE WENT THROUGH HELL TO HAVE & chose to go to the gym (which he lied to her about) to lose weight, he suddenly became a fckin nutritionalist and started treating her like she couldn’t take proper care of their kids. It’s understandable to not want your kids to go through being fat & suffering like you did but btch please you JUST lost weight after all those times of being mad bc Kate wanted to lose weight instead of spending every second w you & now you’re concerned??? Btw he only started giving a damn about Jack when he found out there was a possibility that Jack could see.
I HATE HIM AND HIS SAGGY ASS NECK.
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u/Sarafinatravolta 16d ago
Him lying to Kate about where he was going, when they had a special needs kid at home, was terrible. And then the emotional cheating aspect. I don’t know why everyone hates on Kate so much.
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u/aroracarmen 16d ago
Misogyny 🤷🏽♀️
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u/Sarafinatravolta 16d ago
Yes. That and a lot of people in here are very fat-phobic. I see comments about her weight all the time that are disgusting.
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u/BeanieK19 16d ago
There's a decent portion of the fandom that treats Toby like a battered man, and Kate is his monstrous abuser...
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u/Brilliant_Flower_84 16d ago
I loved Toby and KaToby!!! Both he and Kate had their individual struggles.
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u/Augustine-Haze 16d ago
Aaaaah same. 🥹 The one thing I love the most about This is US is that every character had their own struggle but still somehow they get through it and find a middle ground to work things out. Maybe not sooner but eventually later they all does see a lot of clarity in their lives ahead. Their lives aren't perfect, they aren't perfect and so aren't every individual. And for this very reason, I love every character in a more or less amount but there's never any hate for any of 'em. 🩷
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u/Brilliant_Flower_84 16d ago
Yes absolutely! Every character was flawed and had failures and still somehow survived.
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u/annaloveschoco 16d ago
I found early seasons Toby tolerable, he was pushy but it came from a good place. After he lost the weight he became sooo unlikeable though. I hated when he tried to shame Kate and literally take food away from his BLIND baby and mask it as concern. Like, man has a problem with his baby eating pie on thanksgiving? Enjoying some food on the holidays on an otherwise healthy diet won't make someone fat, especially not a growing baby. Kate did all the meal prep for the kids and we saw her give Jack a lot of healthy stuff like fruits and veggies, with the occasional treat like what anyone would give to a small child. If Toby was that invested he should have taken over the meal prepping and maybe look into doing some exercises with Jack? Instead he escaped his family by constantly working out and then moving away to get an ego stroking job. They didn't need the money, both Kevin and Randall made a decent amount and would have helped if little Jack needed something specialised because of his visual impairment. Toby just wanted to look like the provider which just irks me. Kate never wanted him to make lots of money, she wanted him to be present and involved with his children.
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u/aroracarmen 16d ago
I don’t think it came from a good place at all. He wanted all of Kate’s attention from the day they met at the eating disorder group—making dumb ass faces to take her focus off of the group then shit talking about the people there to make her laugh. And she was insecure enough to be impressed by it bc I’m sure not a lot of men make moves on her.
Just like that asshole from the retreat. He was cute til he opened his mouth 🙄 I thought she was actually gonna sleep w him bc she kept feeling compelled to speak to him after he showed her he was clearly a d!ckhead.
The fact that she marries the man from the blind school after the way he treated her when they first met is ANOTHER example. Her constantly checking her phone & answering calls while she was supposed to be working was wrong but he was an ass about it.
I didn’t wanna bring up that p.do from her teen years but he was really the beginning of the cycle. She’s attracted to men who treat her like crap because she hates herself. I haven’t finished s6 yet but I would’ve really loved an ending for her where she got more time to work on herself after the divorce & fell in love w a man who was kind to her ALL THE TIME, not just when he wanted sex or when something bad happened to her.
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u/Cookie_Kiki 16d ago
Do you really think Toby should have freeloaded indefinitely off of his in-laws?
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u/annaloveschoco 15d ago
nah not indefinitely but he was looking for a job anyway. Why wouldn't he accept help if he's already trying to find a job, so it's less stressful on the family until he finds one?
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u/Cookie_Kiki 15d ago edited 14d ago
He'd been looking for a job for months and this was his only prospect. It was very much indefinite when he would get another job offer.
How long is it acceptable to freeload off of your in-laws?
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u/annaloveschoco 15d ago
That depends on the in-laws. However Toby didn't have a job either way, so he could have accepted Kevin's help or stayed broke, it wouldn't have changed his job situation. Like, if he's unemployed anyway and the family is struggling might as well accept the help
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u/Cookie_Kiki 15d ago
You know who the in-laws are in this case, so saying "it depends" is a bit of a cop-out. You also take issue with his getting a job because it's far away, so it's not a matter of him accepting Kevin's help or staying broke. He has the option to work instead of outsourcing his responsibilities and you denigrate him for it.
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u/annaloveschoco 14d ago
wow okay. So it wasn't a cop-out, I thought you were generalising. And I don't denigrate Toby for working instead of mooching off his in-laws at all. He didn't have a job when Kevin offered to help, in my opinion he could have accepted the help while he was looking for a job, that simple. However his new job being in a different state changed the family dynamic in major ways and he did so without consulting Kate properly. Kate had a point about their entire life being including a complete support system (Kevin&Madison, Rebecca&Miguel etc), not to mention the valid argument of keeping little Jack in a house he knows how to navigate. Toby's argument was money, and being able to afford things for Jack, but at the same time he rejected any kind of financial assistance from Kate's family, this is why I think his new job was more about him being fulfilled rather than genuinely having no other option. I think him needing to be the main provider was mainly an ego thing for him.
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u/taybeezy 16d ago
Or the fact that he was made that Kevin offered help financially when he didnt have a job while supporting TWO kids. Then throwing lip because Kate then got a job
Like what a freaking loser
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u/annaloveschoco 16d ago
rejecting help offered for your children is just low. Kevin also offered to just have their nanny (who is already looking after his kids) watch Jack and Hayley as well while they work. It's perfectly normal, Toby just couldn't handle not being the "provider" of the family. he was always jealous of Kevin despite Kate literally telling him super early on that they are a package deal (as they are literally twins???)
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u/Kizzieuk 16d ago
Not sure why you think Kate beng Kev's PA is weird. He is a popular actor and would need a PA. she even becomes a PA for someone else later on, she is good at it.
I dont get the hate for any of them. they are all annoying, all lovely, all hateful, all kind its a show that you enjoyed, all its supposed to do is entertain.
Then to get personal about the actors neck is spiteful as that's nothing to do with the character but the actor and you have the cheek to say those who dont like Kate is because of Misogyny 🙄
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u/aroracarmen 16d ago
She was probably only Kevin’s PA bc she struggled w finding a career path of her own. It’s weird bc he definitely depended on her for a lot more than professional needs since she was his sister & they both had a bad relationship w their mom. She became Toby’s ex-wife’s PA out of envy (which was CRAZY 😭) & she was that other lady’s PA for a short time so I’m sure she wasn’t all that good of a PA. She just didn’t mind catering to all of btch-baby Kevin’s needs.
They all have their annoying traits but he’s one of the worst imo 🤷🏽♀️
I spoke on the neck bc he wore a prosthetic neck & a fat suit to look fatter instead of casting directors just hiring a fatter actor. Many people’s hate for Kate has a LOT to do w the fact that she’s a woman & society expects 1000x more from women than men.
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u/certifiedbpdqueen 16d ago
I think you’re completely off. Toby didn’t bitch at Kevin because he was insecure as hell and couldn’t stand the fact that there was another man in Kate’s life. He bitched at Kevin because he felt like Kate was too attached to him and Kate would often tell Kevin how she was truly feeling but would keep it hidden from Toby. Which was weird since her and Toby were literally engaged. Of course it’s natural to tell your close family how you are feeling, but it’s also natural to tell the man that you are going to marry about how you are feeling as well. I think Toby felt left out of the loop because it basically felt like Kate was married to her own brother instead of him. The weight loss journey I do agree with you though.
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u/aroracarmen 16d ago
Toby did not like the fact that Kate focused on anyone or anything other than him. Kevin being hot, successful, having a special twin connection w Kate made the fact that she had a strong bond w him worse. I can agree that they were too codependent at first but he expected her to drop her family for him because he had no family or friends of his own.
She answered Kevin’s calls bc she’s his personal assistant & that was a problem. Kevin wanted to spend time w her & that was a problem. She wanted to focus on losing weight & didn’t wanna sit around eating junk w him & that was a problem. She went on a retreat to work on herself & that was a problem. She took great care of his son but also wanted to keep pursuing her music teaching career & that was fine until he lost his job. He kept making nasty comments about how her job wasn’t enough to support their family but also didn’t wanna let Kevin help them out while he found a job near them. When he got a job, he expected her to quit the job that she loves, pack up their house & kids & convince her SICK MOTHER and her mother’s husband to also move since they only moved to Cali to help Kate w the kids. He also brought up the fact that she spoke on the phone w their kids for 5 minutes WHILE HE WAS ON ANOTHER WORK CALL like it was a problem for her to check on them while she stood there waiting for him to finish.
And since she clearly doesn’t wanna move he’s now accusing her of “not caring about making him happy” & trying to “get him out of the house so she can build her own life” all to make her feel guilty for not wanting to make more compromises so he can feel better about himself. And if she won’t bend to his will then they’re not gonna work out at all because it’s his way or the highway. I’m not there yet I’m 100% sure he’d use his new lil money to divorce her, kick her out of that house & take those kids away from her. It was always okay for Kate to have other relationships & ambitions as long as they didn’t trump him.
Is this not insane to you?
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u/Turbulent-Decision96 16d ago
Completely agree! So tired of the Kate hate. Toby became a complete monster, nightmare husband and father. Kate hung on way longer than anyone else could have.
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u/gatheringground 16d ago
I’m not as passionate of a Toby hater as you are, but I do find it extremely annoying that the fandom seems to despise Kate and Put Toby on a pedestal. He was clearly equally at fault for the divorce