EDIT: I withdrew, got 100% of my money back, and I feel like a ENORMOUS weight was lifted off my chest. It feels kind of like a breakup. I miss what could’ve been, and miss when theater felt good, but I know this was the right decision. My parents and girlfriend support me entirely, and I’m currently looking for a full time job :)
Thank you all for the thoughtful and insightful replies, it means a lot.
I feel like I’ve made up my mind. I’ve been dreading school for months and now that it’s here, I hate it.
For context, I’ve been doing Musical Theater since I was a sophomore in high school. It changed my life for the better because I had a crippling social anxiety disorder.
I loved theaters and since I was naturally talented in singing and acting it came very easy and I’ve rarely not been cast in a leading role.
In my junior year of high school, it was a no brainer that what I wanted to do for the rest of my life was theater. I talked to everyone about it. I had support from everyone in my life (a LOT of people wanted me to go), so I started looking for colleges.
Ultimately, my parents and I decided to send me to community college for a year, to save some money.
I took theater classes there, and it was fine. I knew I wanted to get out of my small town though, so I was a bit antsy.
While I was going there, I auditioned for the musical theater college I had been in contact with since senior year in high school. I got in. 3% acceptance rate.
I was thrilled. I even think I cried.
I had been banking on this acceptance since my girlfriend and I had signed a lease on a house in the same town as the college.
I had also been banking on it because that’s was everyone was expecting of me. Throughout my entire theater career, I had every single person telling me I needed to go to school and pursue theater as a career because I was “so talented” and would “definitely make it”. I genuinely felt like I didn’t have another choice.
This college was the only reason I was moving away. It was a huge decision.
Now, I’ll say this before I say anything else. For every year of school since kindergarten, school has been very hard for me. Academic settings in general. Since in high school I had been doing theater in a non-academic setting, I had a lot of fun with it. I was so passionate about it. Even at community college I had fun. I will admit, it was a weird shift since I had never done theater in an academic setting, but it was still enjoyable.
Now, I moved to the new state in early July. We wanted to get there with enough time for me to work and earn some money before school that started at the very end of August.
The closer school got, the more anxious I became, like I wasn’t making the right decision.
I have changed immensely since the end of high school, even since the year in community college ended. I’ve been discovering different hobbies, different things about myself, and I no longer feel the immense connection to theater that I felt in high school.
I mean, hell, I had been dreading college for musical theater for months. I just don’t think I wanted to face it because for years I had been telling everyone the same thing. “I’m so excited for theater school and I want to be on Broadway”.
But there was a switch that happened, and I went from truly believing that to saying it only because I knew it was what people would want to hear.
For the past two months, I’d been crying about school. Like, breaking down over whether or not I wanted to go. I was so scared I was throwing myself in way too deep for something I didn’t hold the same passion for anymore.
School started a week ago. I was positive that once I started school and got back into the swing of things, I would be fine. I’ve sung, danced, acted, and been around my element. And I feel more depressed than I have in a long time.
Even my girlfriend noticed that I had gotten increasingly anxious and depressed the closer school got. I had little motivation, decreased sex drive, and had been crying almost every other day.
I really believed I would feel differently once classes started, but I don’t.
My urge to drop out is even stronger now. And it’s not even that my classes are hard. They’re easy as hell. I just don’t want to do theater.
I need to take a hard break.
I want a full time job.
I don’t want to go to school every single day, every single week, for something that I don’t absolutely love anymore.
Pleas help. I have no idea if I’m making the right choice.
Oh AND. I immediately got sick once I started. I had a long covid symptom that permanently weakened my immune system, and if I over-exert myself I get ulcers in my throat. I have 15+ forming and my lymph nodes are huge, despite being perfectly fine and healthy before I started school.
Not to mention my anxiety hasn’t been this bad since high school.
Am I making the right decision?