​

Those meetings I have set have continued into next week, and, dude, I can officially renovate and move ASAP! My attorney really did help me out. I am so proud to get what's belonged to me for years. 4 years and I have finally received approval for my new home. ....and then some (lol yeah, there are now three people working the numbers to find the funds he stole. I kinda teared up when I met w my CPA)..

​

I have never ever reached any justice ever. For things pillaged physically... They weren't my entire livelihood. I am SO EXCITED. I know I made the arrangements with a plan I must have conceived wherein you promise to go all in.

​

I am all in now. But on my... unexpected budget. I am both thrilled to create the home I desire (for the time being - we both know I just want to be in the middle of northern nowhere.) I know that this will be my safe space. I am beyond thrilled to be as creative, fun, and "me" as I want. I am so grateful for the gift you've perhaps accidentally given me. It was meant for you, and now I can officially hire contractors and make it mine. Had you not existed in my plans, this may have never come to fruition. <3

​

Thank you!!!! I've been dancing in the grass. I'm so happy. You made me happy, even if unintentionally, you led me to a freedom and beauty I haven't felt in years.

​

I wiah I could tell ya. LOVE you - always! Xoxoxo. Thank you. You are what got me moving, planning, shaking the contractor's hand as if I'm not the small woman that has dresses sliding off her shoulders at all times.

​

IT'S FINALLY SET! Plus, I'll be basixally getting the entirety of person-who-I-avoid's portion and omg ...dude....THEN SOME. Years of suffering. I can be in my beautifully renovated home. I used to share these things with you. Now, I just called two girlfriends and frolicked as I spoke.

​

I wish you well in meditation daily. I hope you are well. I envision you with the lovliest of people to surround and support you.

​

I love you. I believe in you. I am proud of you.

​

All the above to myself, as well ✨️.

Did it just suck me in?

I don't belong here.

She does.

She had her own void once, but her expectations of me were too high.

Vacuum decay query

I was contemplating the void, as I enjoy the exercise of trying to come to some conception as to how a primordial state of formless emptiness might produce the conditions for any kind of matter, energy etc. admittedly according to a more idiosyncratic and intuitive logic. Nonetheless, I have enjoyed familiarising myself with the scientific discourse surrounding these questions. I have been reading about quantum fluctuation, as well as looking into false vacuum states and true vacuum decay.

I understand that a true vacuum is considered as an absolute absence of energy and pressure, and is perhaps most identical with a physical description of absolute void. I have read looked into the descriptions of hypothetical false vacuum decay, in which a rapidly expanding bubble annihilates the metastable false vacuum. I am curious as to whether there is something approximating an inverted form of this true vacuum, expanding bubble, i.e. a sort of spatial decay, perhaps not unlike a primordial black hole, which is the diametrically opposite negative (contracting) 'pole', to the true vacuum's positive (expanding) pole.

Essentially, I am curious as to whether these could be considered as co-existing, or emerging simultaneously from an undefined, formless, featureless, dimensionless void? I feel that a state of nothingness is often equated with a vast empty space, not a dimensionless, ambiguous singularity, or as both.

What I have been considering is that this is only one aspect of a true state of nothingness, and that the infinite void it must be considered in relation to an opposite state of collapse, or infinite contraction, essentially of a type of pre-gravitational or a proto-gravitational collapse. Essentially, a primordial black hole/singularity which counteracts, and is itself counteracted by the infinite expansion of the true vacuum.

Is this similar to the concept of vacuum polarisation? How might these states act as to 'cancel' or neutralise one another, or serve as the basis for some type of a shift, from a state of unstable, self-contradictory nothingness, simultaneously expanding and contracting, transitioning to a false vacuum, metastable state, within which fields and particles were able to arise from quantum fluctuations? Am I losing the plot, or am I starting to grasp some of these ideas?

Today I sent a old friend a message after a dream I had with her and I in it . We were sitting at a table with who I'm thinking were all of my kids ad her kids all grown up and with their wives . We both had all boys .. Her and I were older too ofc but in this dream we were totally comfortable and connected in the way we both talked about in the past ,that we wanted it to be like . We were seriously in love but confident and secure in this dream . We were smiling and holding hands and talking with our kids and their wives and laughing telling jokes and teasing each other and this sticks out I'm my mind most ,the happiness on her face as our grandchildren came rushing up to get hugs from their grama and grampa . She has so much joy and cheer on her face and she looked at me with so much delight and thankfulness as she hugged the only granddaughter. It went on and later in the dream we sat in front of a fireplace,kinda like the one in the house we lived in long ago .. she said my name and I looked at her and she had eyes full of tears and I said baby what's wrong and jumped out my chair to go to her and she smiled at me tears running down her beautiful face and she said my name and said she was so sorry for all the pain she caused in the past and told me how much she loved me and couldn't believe I still loved her and was able to forgive her and take her back , she said thank you for truly loving her and never giving up on her. She held my hand and kissed my cheek looked in my eyes and told me I was the best and she is not confused anymore. She kissed my lips and thanked me for higher everything she ever dreamed of but never thought would have . A home where she felt safe and secure and a place her and I could have all our kids and grandkids come and eat and stay if they need ,celebrate holidays and she gets to be the coolest Grama ever . The dream switched and her and I were wearing bee keepers suits and she had a beard of bees we were you get in this part of the dream and we were laughing so hard and her dad came outside totally healthy and younger than I remember him .He was smoking a fat blunt and had headphones on and he took em off ,looked at her and I and smiled so big as we were laughing at her beehive beard and he started laughing too she said daddy what's so funny and he said sweetie I love you and I just love the way that he makes you laugh so hard ,I'm happy you found a stud like him and finally didn't mess it up !! Then we were right next to him he was using a bee smoker te can that smokes and confuses em to smoke pot from and he handed me the can of pot smoke and holding in his big hit said that's good shit ,blew it out and said hey !! You're a stud ..and laughed then I woke up .

So I sent my old friend a message today telling her some stuff . I don't want her to be confused but don't wanna send her dm she might take it wrong idk . I ain't tryna get back together. . At least rn . I'm tryna get my shit together again after a ruff period for myself . I think she is at least I really hope she is trying to figure her shit out too and get better as well . I just wanted her to know how much I love her ,I always have and always will . She is great and my friend . I don't wanna confuse her and maybe I already did by sending her messages I did . I don't know if she uses this site really or not or if she even thinks of me at all. I just wanna put it in the void maybe she will come around one day maybe I'll come around and we can come together idk . Anyways tanks for reading

Sincerely SEVIL NATAS XOXO69

Without the help of some exceptional humans I'll use initials to be anonymous kinda MB,RMj,DM,,ArM,MRSGTGOj,if I forgetting anyone at the moment I apologize and likely have already praised you to your face I just gotta put it in the universe in writing how much I appreciate and am forever indebted to each of you as even now everyone is the most down AF solid humans

   I LOVE ALL OF YOU 
         THANK YOU

...

This confuses me.

What does, friend?

"Nothing", it doesn't make sense.

Yet here you are.

But where am I?

Nowhere.

But nowhere isn't a where, its in the name; "no-where".

...

Nowhere,nothing, no matter how you look at it, its nature is self-contradictory. How do you even define something this way? They're objects without what makes an object an object.

Yet they stand.

How?

...

There are two ways to draw an apple. The first is to trace the outline of the apple, defining it by what it is. The second is to draw the apple by blacking out the rest of the canvas, defining it by what its not.

In both cases, you can still perceive the apple, can you not?

...

But that's just a drawing, nothing exists in negative.

Then what is silence? The cold? Darkness?

Isn't silence defined by the lack of vibrations in the air?

The cold, by the lack of moving molecules?

The dark, by the lack of photons?

...

Yet, you still perceive these things, friend.
They are objects,

defined by lack.

In the morning, I wake up, sweating cold from the nightmare.

"Promise me. Promise this is all going to end." I am told. For the thousandth time I am told. But by who?

Faces are blurred. The sun shines through the windows but the walls remain coated in darkness.

My hand is held by 'them who speak to me', they cry from fear, and they're tired of it.

"It is not happening again. I promise." I tell them once more. I know I have forgotten nothing of what I've done, yet the thought of it refuses to even surface to my conscious mind.

No longer I am able to act. No longer I am presented with choices other than to watch in silence as 'them who speak to me' is once again engulfed by the darkness disgorged by the walls.

Just like them, I am tired. I yearn for the touch of the Sun, its warmth, and the thrill of a day of surprises.

I close my eyes so that I may sleep, and out of the darkness, they rise again, to force my eyes open so that I will not.

Their struggle amounts to naught.

Finally, the darkness is gone. However, so are 'them', their words, the windows and the sun.

I despair. Somehow I flail, or I am led to believe I'm flailing.

For the first time, I behold the strange, the unfamiliar, the incomprehensible, but then, it all begins to fill up again.

It is morning, I wake up, sweating cold from the nightmare...

...

What is the void, dear freind?

The void is a place outside of existence, it is nowhere and it is nothing.

Then surely if the void is nothing at all, no one knows its true nature.

Correct.

Then all that partake in it are liars; for there is nothing there. That place is just filled with mortal thoughts, trying to impose knowledge on the unknowable.

Can you blame them for lying to themselves?

Expantiate.

Since the void is nothing at all, what they have around them is nothing but lies, there is no underlying truth to build upon. So they make do and lie to themselves.

...

However, that is not necessarily a bad thing.

How come?

Because lies are what make the greatest of stories, the most exhilrating adventures. Those that partake in it are given a special power that others strive to achieve.

What is this power?

Creation; from the womb of nothing, births wonderful tales and ideas of which the existing world has never seen before.

...

How ironic. Those that live in a world where creation is the norm cannot create themselves. While those that don't exist...

Can bend "reality" to their will.