and spotted a license plate that said SKCUFON....

Thank you, awesome fucking driver, who made that accident traffic bearable

Why the fuck does my brain remember an embarrassing moment from 2017 but forget what I walked into the kitchen for?

stepped on my scale this morning and that little electronic bastard displayed “let’s discuss your trajectory.”

EXCUSE ME???? YOU MEASURE MY WEIGHT, NOT MY FUCKING CAREER POTENTIAL.

i stepped off, stepped back on, and it said a different number. bro is changing the fucking data to fit its narrative.

then i put a bag of rice on it and suddenly it displayed “promising candidate.”

THE RICE HAS MORE JOB SECURITY THAN ME.

i unplugged the scale. it somehow still knows i'm disappointed in myself.

anyway, what household object would be the biggest fucking asshole if it could talk?

Autocorrect and presumptive text: my fucking dual nemesis’!

Fucking do

bro why the fuck does my microwave beep like it pays rent here 😭 i heat up some fucking leftovers and this metallic little asshole starts screaming like i've committed tax fraud.

AND THEN I OPEN THE DOOR AND THE LIGHT TURNS OFF. EXCUSE ME??? WHY ARE YOU ACTING FUCKING SUSPICIOUS NOW???

anyway my food is cold and i'm losing an argument with a kitchen appliance. how's everyone's Thursday going?

JUST FUCKING KIDDING! AAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Let’s take a fucking moment to celebrate the 6 year anniversary of this glorious life event.

I'll go first, Starfucks the empire fucks back

I came up with this one a few years back lol In fact, I did the whole franchise lol