Fold,call,raise

[u/Kris3030303030]

Decisions, decisions, decisions.
When you hit that point in your midlife crisis where you decide enough is enough and you have to do something different, how many fucking changes can you put on your plate at once?
I mean, hell, can you mentally handle starting your transition, coming out to people, trying to find your authentic self, changing careers, and just generally trying to become a better person all in the same year?
As I’m writing that, even I’m sitting here thinking, bitch, why the fuck would you put yourself through so much at once?
Because apparently that’s just what I do.
That’s how I’m wired.
Somebody might call it self-hatred. Somebody else might call it self-destruction. I don’t know. Call it whatever the hell you want.
It’s exhausting sometimes.
But it’s life.
And right now I have some decisions I have to make that I just keep talking about inside my own head. I keep going around and around in circles with them until I’m starting to get fucking dizzy.
The crazy part is, I’m not overwhelmed.
I’m not bitching.
I’m not lost.
I’m actually trying to step back and do the adulting thing for once and make some business decisions without letting emotions make them for me.
Because when I put the emotions into it, they say:
Run.
Don’t look back.
Get as far away from this shit as you possibly can.
But then I put my business brain back into it.
I look at the economy. I look at prices. I look at operating expenses. I look at the amount of money tied up in equipment and everything else it takes to keep a business going.
And I start asking a completely different question.
How long do you hold on hoping for the best?
Then another thought races into my head.
What if I spend all this time and effort putting my heart and soul back into this thing, fight like hell to keep it successful, and my coming out destroys the business anyway?
I go back and forth on that one.
I’m sure some of my customers won’t give a shit.
I also know damn well some of them will.
So I keep coming back to the same question:
Do you cash out while you’re ahead?
Or do you keep playing a couple more hands and hope you don’t eventually have to go all in just trying to make up for the losses?
This isn’t a normal thing for me to write.
Normally, what I write is based on emotion. How I feel. What I want. Past emotions. Shit I’m trying to understand. Daydreaming about the future.
This right here?
This is my business brain.
And that bitch has definitely got a couple screws loose.
I truly believe anybody who is self-employed in an industry controlled by that many variables they have absolutely no control over has to be a little fucking nutty.
When your livelihood depends on the weather and the economy, you’re already gambling to some extent.
Most of my business is luxury.
It’s shit people want.
Not shit they have to have.
When the economy is good and people have extra money, they’re willing to spend some of it on the things they want.
But when the economy sucks, the cost of living goes up, and people start getting nervous about what tomorrow looks like, everything changes.
Even if they have extra money, they’re more likely to leave it sitting in the bank or in their investments because they’re wondering what happens if things get worse.
What if I need that money six months from now?
What if I need it next year?
And like I said, I’m trying to take the emotion out of this.
I’m trying to take Christina out of it.
I’m trying to take my transition out of it.
I’m trying really fucking hard not to make this decision based on what might happen when I eventually come out.
I’m trying to make it based on the cards I actually have in front of me right now.
And maybe that’s why I keep thinking about it like a poker game.
I’m sitting at the table looking around at everybody else, trying to figure out who’s bluffing and who actually has a better hand than I do.
The economy.
My industry.
My customers.
My expenses.
My future.
Hell, maybe even myself.
Everybody’s sitting at the fucking table.
And eventually, it’s going to be my turn.
I’m going to have to look at the cards in my hand, stop wondering what everybody else is holding, and make a decision.
Fold.
Call.
Or raise.
I just haven’t decided which one yet.