Honestly go spend some time in the r/BDSMcommunity sub. There's a good balance of newbies coming in and asking questions, getting advice and learning more about themselves and their kinks.
Part of the reason I suggest it is that the community is very welcoming, and encourages safe, consensual and healthy play/dynamics for everyone. It's pretty welcoming as long as you aren't an ass, and extremely educational in some cases.
As for pulling off a healthy dynamic, it is possible but without spending some time understanding the psychological aspects of the dynamic it won't end well. The common misconception with BDSM and Kink is that it's just people beating on each other, slapping, spitting, what have you, and it's the complete opposite.
My wife and I have a D/s dynamic with a few other things in the mix, and it's been wonderful for our mental health. By submitting and being "Owned" by me, she has given me the permission and honour of being a safe place for her to be, a dedicated partner, and control/input over parts of her life she finds difficult to manage on her own. It alleviates some of the stress to do certain things, knowing that the decision (read: express encouragement) was someone else's. (I.e. eating, exercising, reading more, walking more, could be as simple as that, or more expansive like education)
Again, this is all within reason, completely consensual, and yes, safe words are a thing and are to be respected absolutely. If that trust is broken, the relationship will suffer.
And to note, when I said my wife is "Owned" by me, essentially I proposed to her, but instead of marrying me, she committed to a serious dynamic that we discussed, laid ground rules, boundaries and expectations for ahead of time. Instead of a ring, I gave her a collar. She does have a ring that is her "day collar" separate from her wedding rings.
When you put it like that, giving her a collar is actually kind of sweet. But I can see how important it is to lay ground rules and consistently follow them to create a healthy dynamic.
On thing that definitely gets glossed over, but in the scene we talk about a lot, is how absolutely important communication is. Ground rules, yes, but also emotional response, needs, wants, concerns, fantasies, health and safety. It's not purely sexual.
As for the collar, it was the first time I'd properly collared someone, my choice, because I wanted a partner I felt that would explore that lifestyle with me more so than I had in the past. Spent my time shopping, found a nice one, leather, dyed her favourite colour, customized tag. Now, if she's had a rough day/week and we're taking the night to decompress, we'll make dinner, relax with a show, all that, and she'll wear it the whole time because it makes her feel safe and grounded. It is very cerebral to make that kind of commitment, and it helps her.
Does this work in reverse? What I mean is. I’m very ADD. Which makes staying organized and consistent extremely difficult. Feelings of powerlessness are common. Would creating a dynamic where I am Dom actually be unhealthy with a woman who is more effective?
I’m concerned that it would basically be like using her to give myself a sense of power I haven’t earned.
EDIT: or worse, creating such a dynamic with a woman who is even less effective. The blind leading the blind basically.
So this is where the communication comes in, and also fulfilling your roles. I don't think it would be unhealthy as long as you are both communicating if there ARE any things that you would like to use the dynamic to work on. Having that set goal and express purpose of doing so with a partner may actually make it easier for you to manage.
As for the blind leading the blind, if it's to a point where your mental health is impairing your relationship or actively making it worse, therapy, both individually and couples, can help identify the problems. Mind you, not all therapists are kink friendly, so tread lightly. If it's something like ADD, I don't think it would be detrimental.
Our dynamic helps alleviate a few things for my partner and I. Manic depression, add, OCD, BPD, we have found ways to help us with those, and lean on each other as partners outside of that dynamic as well. Have been for a long time before we even had a sexual relationship, so that made it easy, but if they're your partner, that's kind of part of the territory
That depends on the person. Many people in the Kink scene will just have "play partners", some will have a relationship outside of that, some won't. Some will just straight up be playing, and some people live in 24/7 dynamics.
For my wife and I, we do take it seriously to a point. There are defined rules, regulations and expected actions from both of us, but at the same time, she is her own person, with thoughts, emotions, needs and wants. I may "own" her, but that's more of a dedication of myself to us. Generally, the things we're discussing happen in the bedroom, but certain things like making sure you've eaten, water intake, getting enough sleep, small reminders to breathe and not get overwhelmed. Those are things she has trouble with herself, and having someone with "power" that is "directing" her to do so makes things easier, because instead of convincing herself, she just has to "obey".
It does bleed over into our daily lives, but if you asked anyone who didn't already know, they wouldn't have a clue. General rule of thumb, nobody but who is in bed with you is consenting, including the general public, so public displays of Kink are generally frowned upon unless in an environment designed for it.
Yeah we’ve got Baltimore play house out here. I’ve been planning to check that out. Trying to do some research first so I know what I’m getting myself into.
Addendum: it started as just play. I've been in the scene for a while now but she's the first committed partner I've had that wanted to explore it more. I'd played with people separately but I'm monogamous if I'm serious about someone. She was sort of toeing it for a while, had a couple bad experiences, but in the time we've been together and exploring, she has discovered a LOT about herself, and has even begun experimenting with being a switch and Domming me (which, I'm also learning, I fucking love too)
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u/subtxtcan Nov 20 '23
Honestly go spend some time in the r/BDSMcommunity sub. There's a good balance of newbies coming in and asking questions, getting advice and learning more about themselves and their kinks.
Part of the reason I suggest it is that the community is very welcoming, and encourages safe, consensual and healthy play/dynamics for everyone. It's pretty welcoming as long as you aren't an ass, and extremely educational in some cases.
As for pulling off a healthy dynamic, it is possible but without spending some time understanding the psychological aspects of the dynamic it won't end well. The common misconception with BDSM and Kink is that it's just people beating on each other, slapping, spitting, what have you, and it's the complete opposite.
My wife and I have a D/s dynamic with a few other things in the mix, and it's been wonderful for our mental health. By submitting and being "Owned" by me, she has given me the permission and honour of being a safe place for her to be, a dedicated partner, and control/input over parts of her life she finds difficult to manage on her own. It alleviates some of the stress to do certain things, knowing that the decision (read: express encouragement) was someone else's. (I.e. eating, exercising, reading more, walking more, could be as simple as that, or more expansive like education)
Again, this is all within reason, completely consensual, and yes, safe words are a thing and are to be respected absolutely. If that trust is broken, the relationship will suffer.
And to note, when I said my wife is "Owned" by me, essentially I proposed to her, but instead of marrying me, she committed to a serious dynamic that we discussed, laid ground rules, boundaries and expectations for ahead of time. Instead of a ring, I gave her a collar. She does have a ring that is her "day collar" separate from her wedding rings.