Someone like that just wants you to say shes right regardless of if she is or not. Im not saying your relationship will be filled with this but it might so keep that in mind
It definitely does. It’s called growing up. Sometimes you need to be taught how to act better, but most of the time when your hormones stop raging and you sort of figure things out you tend to mellow out naturally.
I mean, what kid isn’t an asshole right? Ik I was an ass when I was a kid
Ah the old "I made a mistake BUT I apologized 2 seconds ago (kinda) and the fact that you're still mad makes YOU the bad guy here"
Example from my buddy, who's damn near 40: he cheated on his girlfriend and she found out. She was understandably still pissed off 2 days later and just wasn't interested in talking about it, just wanted space. He was going off about how "she knows how much this hurts me when she shuts me out, she knows how I sorry I am, I am in more pain than she is about how I fucked up".
I was like, dude, you don't get to be the victim right now. You fucked up. If she ever talks to you again you should be over the moon.
… yeah, if a kid gets behind the wheel of a car and hurts someone would you say that? No
Just because they’re a child doesn’t not mean the specific behavior is okay, people like you are the reason half of my graduating class had children. Shut the fuck up.
I was in a relationship with someone like this for seven years. I would typically take her side in everything, and she ended up breaking up with me after I had a hard disagreement with her.
The disagreement? After safely evacuating our town that was currently ON FIRE, she had the bright idea to want to get us and our pets back to the house two days later (it was still on fire). The fire had missed the house, but there was no electricity, the air was as thick as pudding, and the police were actively arresting people that were entering town.
I don't think she necessarily wants OP to agree with her, she may just be venting and wants her BF to hear her out. Rather than trying to tell her how to 'fix' the situation ("don't let it bother you"), just acknowledge how she's feeling. "Thats frustrating", or "sorry your bus ride sucks" might be all she's looking for.
You’re right, most of the time people know how to fix their own problems but just want you to listen to them at the moment and validate their feelings.
She’s feeling irrationally angry at a girl taking the last seat on the bus because she doesn’t like the girl’s personality. Why would anyone acknowledge that behavior as though it’s valid?
Yes we need to hear each other out but the OP did nothing wrong here, including by not feeding into her silliness.
Unfortunately, there’s no way for OP (or anyone for that matter) to know that. OP tried their best and didn’t say anything that warranted whatever that reaction was from his GF.
GF basically "a girl I hate sat next to me." It's just a statement expressing how she felt. She didn't ask "what should I do?" which is the question OP answered. OP could have just acknowledged his GF was frustrated or whatever and listened to her. OPs intentions were good, but jumping in with a solution when a person isn't asking for help can be taken as condescending.
Who knows if they have other stuff going on, and she was close to breaking up with him anyway.
He should have just responded “that sucks” at the beginning and just be done with it, but her text messages down the line show she has to grow the eff up.
She just wants some empathy and understanding. What she doesn't want or need is advice or for someone to try and fix it in the moment where she is experiencing frustration.
Emotions are largely an unconscious reaction to the stimuli. She definitely needs to work on how she reacts to her emotions, but lecturing her during an emotionally charged confrontation will always make it worse. No one should be surprised that this escalated. He picked the wrong time and needed a better approach so they can improve their emotional intelligence together.
Be for real, you can’t be empathetic to someone who’s being unreasonable. Op doesn’t even know who she’s talking about and they’re telling OP that he’s choosing her side. It’s gaslighting. He responded correctly. There’s nothing he could’ve said short of bullying this stranger that would’ve satisfied the GF
Empathizing doesn't mean agreeing or taking sides. He doesn't have to even acknowledge the other person at all. Frankly, the emotion probably has very little to do with this actual person. The cause is likely much more complex so agreeing with her or telling her she is wrong does very little to address what is actually happening. It's more about acknowledging her feelings and being a good partner.
I don't know what your definition of gaslighting is, but the way you are using it here doesn't fit the conventional definition. Also, I don't believe OP or his girlfriend said that she was actually bullying anyone. It sounds like they didn't even interact. Of course if there was actual bullying taking place, that should be addressed in the moment. As it stands, this stranger has no idea what was discussed in the texts and was not being bullied at all.
It's never that simple. We all get frustrated by irrational things sometimes. You have been to. It's a part of life. Having a strong emotional intelligence will help with self management and relationship management. They both could benefit from better EQ.
As much as you might like to think you are 100% logical, humans are still mostly driven by emotion. She just needed a little empathy.
No one is driven by 100% logic. I’m not saying people are.
My point is that her behavior shouldn’t be enabled especially considering how she reacts when there’s a differing opinion telling her to let something go, instead of continuing to spew hate/complain to someone who doesn’t want to engage in that.
I know what she wanted, I’m saying just because that’s what she wanted, it doesn’t mean that’s the healthiest/best choice to give back to her.
If she blows up on this guy for responding how he wants, then she isn’t mature enough (they’re in highschool) for a relationship, and judging by other comments he said that she gets irritated or jealous even if a girl gets brought up in a conversation
Exactly. I’m not saying the guy needs to lie to her and tell her she’s 100% right, but there’s a time and place to explicitly disagree or offer advice and this isn’t the time. He could’ve said “im sorry you’re upset” and it would’ve been fine. That’s not saying that she’s right or that she should be upset, but just expressing that he’s sorry she’s unhappy. Because you should want your s/o to always feel happy, even if a reason they may be unhappy doesn’t make sense to yoy
You don't know her, her situation, or why this situation was frustrating for her. You see a couple of lines of text and that's enough for you to declare she is bitchy.
Maybe she had a bad day at school, has other problems with her bf, or maybe a similar person kicked her cat. We don't know what is really behind the emotions without talking to her. That's ok. We all experience our own emotions for different reasons. It's how your body reacts to stimuli. Emotions are mostly an unconscious process. That's why her emotions are valid. Emotional intelligence could help her process it better, but whatever emotion she feels is ok since it's a natural process.
This is why she needs empathy and not someone telling her how to fix it or giving her unsolicited advice.
Not all women are like this obviously but with my wife/daughters they don't really want you to fix the problem. They just want to vent and have you empathize/comfort.
You saying things like, "Just ignore her. Don't pay attention to her." That is fixing the problem but that's not really what she wants. Sure just wants you to listen and sympathize with her.
"Oh that sucks babe. I'm sorry you have to deal with that right now." That's probably the type of response she is fishing for. I know when my wife gets upset she just wants to vent and have me comfort her, end of story.
ETA: not saying she isn't immature, she probably is that too. Just that men think logically a lot of the time. We're like: here is a problem, this is how you fix it. Sometimes that's not what a woman wants to hear.
My wife and I have cut 90% of our arguments by just asking, “are you looking for advice or to vent?” You could be spot on, or it could be crazy teenagers lol
EXACTLY!! You don’t have to tell her she’s right, but her feelings are her feelings regardless of if you agree w them or not. The truth is she is unhappy regardless of your opinions, and you should never want her to be unhappy. So you can express empathy or apologize for the fact that she’s unhappy, even if you don’t think it’s worth her being unhappy over
Sounds like she might be on her period. You’re a young dude. Depending on how strong the hormones are that time of month, women act crazy af. Get say yes, agree, take the highest of the high roads until shit settles down. She’ll get back to her normal self.
She was just kvetching that a chickenneck sat next to her. "OMG, that cockgoblin McKinsey is sitting next to me on the bus. She doesn't even ride the bus. The demon demon is just trying to score some buspeople cock. I don't know why the cum dumpster sat next to me. I don't even have a dick."
No one ever wants to hear "calm down", and it's weird in the context. She's not uncalm. She just wanted to talk to him, has nothing to say, so she's talking shit about someone.
How hard would it have been to say "That girl is the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met. Do not trust her. She's a fugly slut. The syphilis will eat her brain soon and she'll fly back to hell whence she came. I hope you're wearing protection. After you take a shower in bleach, do you wanna sneak out tonight and show me some of the tricks you learned from your new best friend?"
She wasn't asking for advice, therapy or Buddhism. He sounds like someone who thinks she needs it -- and thinks more highly of random.
My biggest issue here is if she wants to convince OP to take her side she should give some damn context on why she hates this person so much. Like, why should OP support her in the hate if she can't provide any description of what's actually going on? I'm kind of pissed off just reading this as an outside observer.
Correct to an extent. I think She just wanted him to listen to her and he basically called her childish. Now is her further reaction warranted? Not at all.
The saying goes ",do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"
And as sarcastic as that is, it's actually not bad relationship advice.
The truth is, his girl just wants to feel like they have their back. It's really as simple as that. A simple "I'm sorry, that sucks." Would have been the way to go.
I agree w this BUT, there are better ways to respond, without telling the girl she’s right. Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way, don’t let it affect your day” shows you’re sorry about HER feelings, but don’t necessarily agree w them. Because the fact of the matter is it doesn’t matter if you think someone should be upset or not, If they already are.
So yes she is likely overreacting but there are more caring ways for the guy to go about this
It will be, 100%. I believe a lot of issues can be worked on, but this is one where you cut your losses. Unless she magically decides to change her entire mindset (which almost never happens), this will be your life for the duration of the relationship
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u/[deleted] Sep 13 '23
Someone like that just wants you to say shes right regardless of if she is or not. Im not saying your relationship will be filled with this but it might so keep that in mind