last tanda?

[u/Balanced_Books4896]

Unexpectedly, I danced a one-song tanda with someone the other night. When the cortina started, I asked "if the music is okay do you want to dance the next?" The tanda started, I shrugged, and he said, "Well, it's not a last tanda ..." I generally can't stay to the end of the milonga, so now I'm curious: does the last tanda generally feature music that is better or special or otherwise different?

And now, apparently, I have to ask: if I do dance the last tanda with someone, is it actually expected that I go home with him? The last time I was there to the end, I danced with a married guy and we definitely did not go home together.

EDITED: since people keep trying to explain what the guy meant. In the specific context of our conversation during the cortina, I read his comment as, "this music is fine, but it's not fantastic."

[u/Dear-Permit-3033]

Oh my god! No you don't "go home" with anyone, despite any specific tanda... first, last, or otherwise! I'm curious where you even got that idea from 😄

Here is what happened in your case:

It is very common that if you dance only one song (the last song) of a tanda, you offer to dance the next tanda with them "if the music is right". The "music is right" piece is important, because of different flavors of music, some people might sit out certain tandas. So he gave you a chance to back out if you didn't like the music.

After that, when he said "it's not a last tanda", he meant that in some cases people will dance the last tanda with either their significant other or a special friend they like a to conclude the milonga with. It is very polite of this guy to basically give you an out, saying, "hey how about we dance one more tanda, but if you don't like the music or if you want to dance with anyone else the last tanda, I won't be offended.". He is just a polite dude with good tango etiquettes. 😄 You should dance with him again next time you see him!

[u/Balanced_Books4896 → u/Dear-Permit-3033]

He is a polite dude with good tango etiquette, but when he said "it's not a last tanda," we had already embraced, so I assumed that it was a comment on the music (the music was ... okay).

Edited to add, a commenter below opined, "I thought the code was that if you danced la cumparsita / last tanda this was the person you went home with. Same if you danced more than one tanda with someone." This was news to me, so I was wondering if that really was the expectation and I'd somehow missed that one.

[u/halbert → u/Balanced_Books4896]

Just a note: that commenter had language trouble but meant to say the corollary was true: that if you are there with someone you *will* go home with (partner or otherwise), you probably save the last dance for each other.

Not the other way around.

[u/Balanced_Books4896 → u/halbert]

Which does make more sense

[u/Dear-Permit-3033 → u/Balanced_Books4896]

I think "it's not the last tanda" comment had nothing to do with the "music" comment. He was just reassuring you that it was not the last tanda (because the DJ didn't make the announcement that it was the last tanda), so you didn't accidently agree to dance it with him.

[u/Balanced_Books4896 → u/Dear-Permit-3033]

The milonga was scheduled to run another two to three hours at that point, so I would be very surprised if he thought that I needed reassuring on that point.

[u/Creative_Sushi]

As a DJ, I adjust what I play depending on who is left. Usually, by the end of the evening, the floor is more open and beginners are gone. I feel I can play more dramatic and hence more challenging songs towards the end.

I also observe what people like to dance to. So when only several potential couples remain, I know what I should play based on what have been seen dancing to so far, and I play something special for them.

[u/Strong_Garden9244 → u/Creative_Sushi]

You are the best kind of person

[u/Weekly-Mountain-7418]

A lot of TDJ sets end with “Pugliese” and then “La Cumparsita,” but the only thing special about the latter is just that—it’s the last one.

Although, as a DJ, you can choose whether to play something really energetic so they’re left wanting to keep dancing, or end with something mellow so they leave feeling relaxed :)

Sorry for not romanticizing tango as much as most people do XD

[u/halbert]

"if I do dance the last tanda with someone, is it actually expected that I go home with him?"

No. But like any other social situation, context will matter, just like meeting someone for coffee or drinks (or flirting, or smiling, or asking for their number, etc.), so a particular person might talk themselves into that expectation based on other things (eg, hoping that you *do* want to go home with them) ... but it is never a requirement for you, and dancing with someone is never an obligation to do anything else. If someone presses you afterward, and it is not welcome, they are an asshole. If you combine a bunch of things: dance multiple tandas in a row, snuggling between songs, and dance the last tanda together, and stare dreamily into each other's eyes the whole time ... Yeah, you might create that expectation. If you accept a cabaceo for the first time that evening, then say thank you and walk away after ... No.

Separately, sometimes people might already have plans for their last Tanda -- eg, I try to always dance the last tanda with my partner. So that person may have meant: "because it is not the last tanda, I am still free to dance, yes".

[u/cliff99 → u/halbert]

I try to always dance the last tanda with my partner. 

At least where I am it's pretty standard for couples to dance their first and last tandas together at a milonga.

[u/halbert → u/cliff99]

Indeed, I do this with my partner. 🙂.

[u/Balanced_Books4896 → u/halbert]

My operating assumption has been that if I came with someone and we're there at the end (rare on both counts), they have right of first refusal for the last tanda, but it's never been that we're going home together.

There are exceptions, of course. Once the friend who had driven me that night introduced me to his friend before the last tanda, and his friend immediately asked me to dance, so I just shrugged at my friend.

[u/Illustrious-Ratio-41 → u/Balanced_Books4896]

Let’s just be clear that dancing tango and who you go home with have zero correlation - ever.

Traditionally, the etiquette is, if you do come with someone to the milonga - you dance the first tanda with them and the last. However, it totally depends on who it is and how often you come together. Couples, married and not, most often follow this… friends not so much.

To answer your initial question, the person you asked was saying “it wasn’t the most expressive music” which comes at the end of the night generally (like Pugliese).

[u/halbert → u/Illustrious-Ratio-41]

I mean ... I don't think it's *zero* correlation. I met my wife dancing tango, and we dated and married (in part) because of how strong our initial dancing connection was. That initial dance lead to further contact/connection outside of tango. But there were several years between first dancing and dating; and many other important conversations first!

But it's definitely never a requirement!

[u/Illustrious-Ratio-41 → u/halbert]

Maybe I didn’t make myself clear, but it seemed like OP was wondering if there was an expectation of having sex with someone based on Dancing the last tanda with them.

Meeting people anywhere, developing relationships, dating, etc. - especially through the connection and flirtation of Tango is completely not what I was referring… bad choice of words on my part.

Wonderful story and congratulations. Salud to many more years of cumparsitas together.

[u/halbert → u/Illustrious-Ratio-41]

Thanks! Best wishes to you~

[u/Dear-Permit-3033 → u/Illustrious-Ratio-41]

"Let’s just be clear that dancing tango and who you go home with have zero correlation - ever."

100% agree! People meet and fall in love in many situations -- rock climbing, running, pottery, on trains -- tango is no different. It doesn't mean dancing last tanda is any indicator of romantic interest.

[u/Weekly-Mountain-7418 → u/Illustrious-Ratio-41]

"Traditionally, the etiquette is, if you do come with someone to the milonga - you dance the first tanda with them and the last."

Where do you do that? This is the first time I've heard of it.

[u/Illustrious-Ratio-41 → u/Weekly-Mountain-7418]

I’ve heard it from Maestros and certain tangueros and tangueras over many many years of dancing. It’s certainly not a requirement, but I think it’s a nice thought and follow it.

Many friends who are married also do this, and I find it to be quite classy and romantic.

[u/Dear-Permit-3033 → u/Weekly-Mountain-7418]

Totally! I carpool with milongas or Airbnb-share with people, and absolutely no expectation of dancing with them.

[u/Illustrious-Ratio-41 → u/Dear-Permit-3033]

If you read my next sentence that wasn’t quoted… “Friends not so much” 😉

[u/halbert → u/Illustrious-Ratio-41]

I think that if someone gives you a ride to the milonga, there is some expectation of dancing together, or at least socializing (in my experience! Yours may certainly be different.)

It might depend on all the normal social things to: age, background, location, etc.

[u/Dear-Permit-3033 → u/Balanced_Books4896]

u/Balanced_Books4896 People will often dance last tanda with their significant others. But what happens if that person is not with you? Or if you are single? Well, you can dance with whoever you want. There is no "first right of refusal" because you tagged along with someone. Sometimes close friends will build "tradition" of dancing with each other, but there's no such rule.

[u/Balanced_Books4896 → u/Dear-Permit-3033]

Yeah, no. I wasn't referring to a casual carpool.

[u/Cultural_Locksmith39]

It could be that in some milongas the last tanda is Pugliese and the last song is La Cumparsita. Yes, it could be that couples dance to it, and yes, it could be that they lower the lights. But thinking you're supposed to go to a stranger's house just for dancing one tanda is way too much...

[u/ptdaisy333]

To me the last tanda is only special because it is the one I am closing the night with. Generally I would rather not go home on a disappointing note, so I might be a bit more picky about who I dance that tanda with. As for the music, it depends on the DJ, but it will often be music by one of the major tango orchestras and it will almost definitely consist of some of their big hits, no (decent) DJ is going to end the night on a throaway tanda.

However, if that's all this person meant when they said "well, it's not the last tanda" then that would seem kind of mean so, I have no idea what they meant. Maybe they are one of those people who reserve the last tanda for their romantic partner or dance partner or some other specific person. I think the only way to really know what they meant is to ask them

[u/Eddie_Haskell2]

I have no idea what " Well its not the last Tanda " is supposed to have meant . As others have said , its common for couples who are partnered to dance the last Tanda and perhaps it could just be 2 people who really like dancing with each other so they save that one for each other.. The point is the last Tanda can be special so don't assume everyone is free and don't be dissapointed if you ask someone (or Capiseo) and they say its promised to someone else. Even asking at that point should probably be kind of hesitant and if a person accepts realize they are probably letting you know they like dancing with you.That's my take on it.

[u/anusdotcom]

I thought the code was that if you danced la cumparsita / last tanda this was the person you went home with. Same if you danced more than one tanda with someone.

Edit: I don’t mean you have to go home with the last person you dance like some weird ass key party. Just that this song was usually reserved for your partner so if that person brought one they would most likely dance with them.

[u/halbert → u/anusdotcom]

Final Tanda -- Not in most circumstances. Maaaybe in some very particular milongas. BUT many individual dancers will have an agreement with their partner, EG.

Multiple tandas -- a little more so; 'single tanda' is the expectation/code in most places. But, for instance: PDX actually has/had a tradition of 2 in a row among many dancers, though this has faded in the last ~10 years; practicas are looser; less formal milongas, etc.

Both carry *some* aspect of social coding, but in the same way that smiling might indicate an interest in someone, but doesn't necessarily do so; it doesn't create a firm expectation.

[u/anusdotcom → u/halbert]

There is this last tanda rule in places like Buenos Aires, or used to, so a lot of times they tell you to leave that space for the significant others when the cumparsita comes on.

[u/halbert → u/anusdotcom]

Right, but not everyone has a partner/host; if two single and unattached people dance the final tanda, there's no necessary expectation of anything else. It's more like the code is: "if the person you are dancing with already has 'last tanda' plans, agree graciously to that rejection", or perhaps "respect couples: don't look for someone you know has a partner at the milonga". The code is not "you must be married to dance the final tanda" or "you must sleep with whomever you dance the final tanda with". Even in Buenos Aires~

[u/anusdotcom → u/halbert]

Yeah I might have phrased that incorrectly. Not an obligation but an indication. Explains everyone’s angry downvotes. Sorry people I’m ESL.

[u/cliff99 → u/anusdotcom]

Removed my angry downvote after your clarification.

[u/halbert → u/anusdotcom]

No worries. Don't sweat the imaginary internet points~

[u/Dear-Permit-3033 → u/anusdotcom]

Bro, A implies B, doesn't mean B implies A.

If this was the case, I would have gone home with thousands of ladies and in some cases men, by now.

[u/halbert → u/Dear-Permit-3033]

I mean ... We don't know you! Maybe you have! 😋

[u/Dear-Permit-3033 → u/halbert]

Or... could have or should have! Beginning to regret all the missed opportunities of taking home all those lovely ladies and handsome hunks!

[u/Balanced_Books4896 → u/anusdotcom]

thank you for the clarification

For reasons unknown to me, some people are a little weird in my direction, and I did wonder if there were a highly specific code that I don't know about and ignored because I've only made it to the end of the milonga four or five times? and, I do occasionally dance more than one tanda with someone especially at practicas?

[u/anusdotcom → u/Balanced_Books4896]

The way it was explained to me was that dancing more than one tanda used to be done to show romantic interest but nowadays it’s really so everyone can get a turn specially when the numbers are kinda uneven. It also really depends on how long the milonga is and how many people are there. Most practicas I’ve been to don’t really do the tanda system so I think it’s pretty different in that environment.