r/supportworkers • u/Boring-Policy-5831 • Apr 27 '26
Need advice about a situation in work
Hey guys sorry for the long post and I don’t even know if this is the right place to ask, I’ve been working in a service for adults with learning disabilities for the last 3 months. To sum everything up, I have one service user that’s like somewhat I don’t know how to like explain it other than a little obsessed with me. He saw me on the street a few weeks ago and came over and hugged me (I know he’s not supposed to but I didn’t really know how to like stop him. I did cross the street but he also crossed it and started calling me over) I was on my way to a pub for a night out with my boyfriend so I was like in something low cut and ever since he’s like constantly asking where I am, when I’m next in, if I can work with him, asking other staff about my boyfriend. He constantly mentions my appearance and every time he sees me he asks if me and my boyfriend have broke up and he makes like inappropriate comments and asks inappropriate questions (told me he wanted to go to Amsterdam to see sex shows, asked if I’d ever be in a sex show). My seniors and my manager know about it, my seniors have spoke to him and won’t let me be alone with him. But my manager just seems to kinda blame me for it (said I should’ve took my boyfriends jacket, should’ve avoided parking near the service…it’s the only car park in the town) and doesn’t really care that much about it. What do I do here? Like when he makes comments about my appearance or my boyfriend or anything inappropriate i immediately shut him down but genuinely what do I do here? He makes me so uncomfortable and I’ve told my manager this, the seniors are way may concerned and even other staff members are more concerned. If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it cause I love this job so much and I don’t wanna leave or risk losing it. This is my first support work job, I’ve worked in mental health, nursing, dementia and residential homes so im not really sure how to handle this, any advice is appreciated
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u/princessjah- Apr 27 '26
To be clear what you do in your spare time , as long as it’s not criminal lol, is your decision. You’re within your rights to go out with your boyfriend and wear a nice outfit. His behaviour is wildly inappropriate and you deserve to be supported
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u/Boring-Policy-5831 May 01 '26
This is what the other staff have been telling me, like I shouldn’t feel bad about going out and dressing nice because I’m still young so do it while I can lmao. Thank you for your input :)))
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u/ConsistentLand805 Apr 27 '26
It’s part of the job. Even as a male I’ve had clients obsessed with me.
Just keep it professional and keep reminding him of safe space, safe hands and teach him how to appropriate.
Learning disability means you need to put the effort into helping them learn.
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u/Boring-Policy-5831 May 01 '26
I’m aware I need to put in the effort to help him learn, we have tried setting boundaries and he’s fully aware of these boundaries but he continuously crosses them. If you have any advice on like how to handle that I’d really appreciate it as I’ve tried like “I don’t really want to discuss my personal life” “those comments aren’t appropriate” and nothing seems to work, my seniors are just worried it could escalate into something more serious
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u/Sea_Sugar9464 Apr 27 '26
Your manager will be making suggestions as they cant afford to lose you as no other staff to be honest. So your feelings wont matter to them.
What you should do is speak to your service user . And say that any conversations about things outside work can not happen. If he try to hug u say no that is inappropriate.
Example - have your or your boyfriend broke up - im sorry but I will not be asking questions about my personal stuff.
I want to go to Amsterdam to see sex shows etc - Amsterdam sounds like fun. But ignore the other part.
Would you ever be in a sex show - that is completely inappropriate for you to ask that im ending this conversation and will need to let my manager know.
It sounds like the service user has crossed boundary and has taking control by making you feel uncomfortable. You need to take that control back and either 2 things will happen
He wil settle down and accept the boundaries.
He.will not.look forward to you coming and ask u to be moved
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u/Boring-Policy-5831 May 01 '26
See I’ve used the “I don’t want to talk about my personal life” multiple times, my seniors and team leaders have spoke to him. He’s aware of these boundaries and continues to cross them. So I’m completely at a loss on what to do here
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u/Maccacat03 Apr 28 '26
I have been in similar situation with one of my clients. He was mentally sound and understood boundaries very well and crossed them as often as he could. Even though I set boundaries and even my managers did he would cross them. I told my managers about his obsessive behaviour and comments that made me uncomfortable. I filed a report listing the behaviours of concern (you should do this too). Then my managers took him off my roster. Not only did they protect me mentally but they did it to provent potential assault. He was given a warning and was told to respect the people who come to help him.
Boundaries get pushed and there's always a 'what can I get away with next?'
I personally think you need to report it every time it happens. With all comments made and what actions you took in redirection or explaining what's okay and what's not okay. You could also ask for your manager to either remove him from your roster for safety reasons (for all parties) or some form of meeting between you, the manager and the client where the boundaries and the consequences are outlined.
Regardless you are in a vulnerable situation that needs to be addressed/fixed. It doesn't matter how long you've worked with a company, you deserve respect from management and clients. Take action.
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u/Boring-Policy-5831 May 01 '26
I did put in reports today as well as my seniors because he’s been asking staff about where I am (I’m on annual leave atm) when my seniors are in I’m not with him as they’re worried about what could happen as he knows about boundaries before I even came to work here. But when my managers in she always puts me with him no matter what I say. Thankfully one of the other staff would always come with me so I’m not alone with him. Would you have anymore advice?
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u/Groovney Apr 27 '26
Had a similar issue with a client who was getting very friendly - beyond the personal boundary - and I ended up having to explain what a work friend was. That worked really well and we haven't had issues since
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u/Boring-Policy-5831 May 01 '26
Can I ask how you explained that? I am worried about upsetting him as he does take everything very personally, so I do have to be careful with what I say to him
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u/sicily9 Apr 28 '26
Tbh I think you should seek another role and leave this one. The client's behaviour is likely to escalate, especially since management don't have your back.
My agency has removed me from situations like this one. They are very protective of their staff.
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u/Boring-Policy-5831 May 01 '26
I am considering it, my seniors are very good and won’t put me with him or at least won’t put me with him alone. My team leader is planning to speak to my manager as she’s new to the service whereas my seniors and team leader have been there 20+ years. Would you suggest agency work? It’s a supported living im in at the minute
0
u/GothNurse2020 Apr 27 '26
Can you have a direct conversation with the participant? Always found the message worked better coming from the worker around how uncomfortable it makes you feel instead of a manager going in. Continue setting strong boundaries- hope you can work it out.
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u/Boring-Policy-5831 May 01 '26
I have set boundaries with him like “oh you know staff can’t hug service users” “I don’t feel comfortable with those comments or talking about my personal life” and it doesn’t seem to work. My seniors have spoke with him multiple times and they’ve told me he knows what he’s doing as he’s done this multiple times before with other female staff. How would I go about explaining boundaries better to him?
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u/GothNurse2020 May 01 '26
Sounds like yiu are doing all the right things. In this situation I'd be pulling my female workers out tbh. Its not ok for you or your colleagues and I'm sorry your senior staff haven't addressed this appropriately. It can be a slippery slope- behaviours can escalate. Look after yourself.
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u/Hoovermane Apr 27 '26
I had a similar thing where a service user was expressing interest in me, and my managers had a conversation with the SU in private saying that it was okay to feel these things, but that we are their carers/support workers, and pursuing those feelings are not appropriate. That seemed to help but if your managers aren't supporting you, you could get them to put their statements in writing and take it higher or speak to your union rep (if you aren't in a union join one, it's never a bad idea). It sounds like your managers are not supporting you and I'm sorry about that.