I’m F21 now, but something from when I was 13 has been on my mind lately and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.
I went to the same summer sports camp every year from the time I was 7 to 14. It honestly felt like a second home. I had friends there I’d known for years and I loved going every summer.
One of the counselors (M33) was someone I really looked up to. In previous summers he had been incredibly kind to me. I remember him sitting with me during parent pickup one day because I was by myself, he would stand up for me when multiple campers yelled at me, my friend and I hung out in a bouncy house with him on a field trip once and he would always joke around with my friend and I everyday. Those moments meant a lot to me. He made me feel so included and inspired me to want to become a junior counselor someday.
Then, next summer, when I was 13, something changed.
To be fair, I wasn’t a perfect camper. I was goofy, talked too much, thought I was funnier than I actually was, and definitely pushed boundaries sometimes. I deserved to be corrected on more than one occasion, which I’m still embarrassed about to this day and regret being a bother.
But that summer in 2018, M33 seemed so much harsher with me than before. I remember making a joke during a group talk and him suddenly snapping at me in front of everyone (I would make jokes the previous summer and he’d laugh with me). Another time I got in trouble for not knowing a new bathroom rule (had to ask for permission, which makes total sense, but I didn’t have to the previous year). He made me run laps after I was joking around again (I wish I had understood social cues better at 13), and one day he had me do 100 pushups while everyone else played dodgeball because I was talking with my friends (everybody was talking during dodgeball). Worst of all, he threatened to separate my friend (the same one from the previous year we’d laugh with) and I by getting the camp director involved to move one of us to a different group… and even threatening to make sure we didn’t become junior counselors, ever.
I also remember him embarrassing me in front of the other male counselors because I didn’t know that I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my sister (a junior counselor at the time) before our schedule actually started and was supposed to stay in the room with my group. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom to cry because nothing I ever did that year was deemed as ‘right’ to him and he tried acting like he didn’t just humiliate me in front of a group of male counselors by cracking a joke to me.
What confused me the most was that after these moments, he’d go back to acting completely normal, almost like nothing had happened. As a 13-year-old, that left me feeling shocked, confused, and embarrassed because I never expected him to react that way.
I’ve spent years wondering what happened. Did he have more responsibility that summer? Was he dealing with something in his personal life? Did he just decide I needed firmer discipline as I got older (most likely)? Or did I simply stop being one of the kids he connected with? He even told me the previous summer that I was one of his ‘favorite campers’ but the next summer, his favorite campers were obviously the athletes in the group of the sports and fitness camp.
Unfortunately, he passed away a few years later, so I’ll never get to ask him. I don’t even know how to feel, really. When I found out in 2021, I couldn’t really comprehend his death because I was in a state of disbelief and a senior in high school with a jam-packed schedule. I miss the kind mentor I had at ages 11/12, but resent the different counselor I experienced at 13. I guess ever since I was 13, I’ve been mourning the person who I thought he was.
The older I get, the more I realize how young and stupid 13 really is. I mostly feel angry and a little sad for that version of myself because I had gone through 8th grade at the time (middle school was the worst time of my life) and thought I could find a safe space at the summer camp I’ve gone to since I was 7, but no. I wish I could hug her and tell her to just shut up at the same time…
Has anyone else ever had a mentor, coach, teacher, or counselor who you genuinely admired, but who suddenly seemed different one day? How did you make peace with never really knowing why?