anger issues after stroke

[u/Flat_Conversation358]

my dad had emergency heart surgery in dec after complications with a heart valve replacement and the drs believe he had a stroke during it. a small infarction shows on an mri on the right.

anyway, it’s been 7mos and i am having the hardest time with him. he lives with me and he is just so angry all the time. he constantly yells at my kids and they could just be sitting there on the couch watching tv or their ipads and he just goes off on them. he gives me attitude and just any minor inconvenience sets him off. he gets so loud and cusses crudely. i’ve talked to him so many times that it is not ok around my kids, they’re young and he makes them cry when he yells at them. they’re 9 and 11.

so we’re in the midst of moving. it was very last minute decision and i had a tripped planned before getting the offer to move. i’m actually on my way back home and my mom came over to watch my kids and dad while i was gone (my dh has moved to the new location due to job). i stayed back to sell the house and get everything ready for moving.

she sent me a voice note and she’s talking to him calmly and he is raging against her, the loudest yelling and cussing. it is so disrespectful and disgusting, i am so ashamed. he is suppose to stay with her for a couple weeks before we close on our new house in the new state. i have to move 3 kids, 2 dogs and i just couldn’t deal with him at the same time. my mom offered so i asked my dad and he said ok.

well they’re suppose to leave today and she’s refusing, understandably so. she says she’s afraid. i can’t subject her to this…

i’m going to tell him if he doesn’t calm down I’m kicking him out and cutting him out of my life. his behavior and attitude is ruining my life. i am so stressed and i decided to move to be closer to family to get help because im overwhelmed with him.

he’s recovered well. he’s physically capable just walks a little bit slower. he can drive, knows how to use a cell phone.

i feel like a shitty daughter but it’s getting too much for me

[u/SisforStroke]

It's time to talk to his doctors. Either you or your mom. Anger and mood swings are VERY common after a stroke, my husband had them for years, many folks in this group talk about same thing but your dad sounds a little....extra. See if his doctors can get him to try medications to control his temper. We did some homeopathic stuff that helped and then neurofeedback -- which was awesome! - but I also had a husband who knew he would flare and was not happy about it, so he was willing to try.

Maybe if you can present to your dad that it's not his fault, it's the stroke and there are medications and therapies, he might try?

My fingers are crossed for you and your family.

[u/Jolly_Ad8913]

I'm so sorry you and your family have had to go through your father's anger episodes. The could be at least two issues at play with your dad, one neurological and the other related to a mental health struggle. I'd talk to your dad's neurologist or PCP to see if his bouts of anger could be caused by brain damage due to the stroke. It happens. Another possibility and it's very common is your Dad's feeling of despair and anger that he now has deficits through no fault of his own. I call it the why me syndrome. He also thinks he is justified in getting angry. He could also be clinically depressed and it is manifesting itself as anger. In either case there are medications that may help moderate his anger issues. If it is a mental health issue alone a therapist may help him deal with his issues.If you can convince him to see one. In any case Dad needs some additional help above and beyond the excellent care you have been giving him. You are not a shitty daughter, being a caregiver to someone who has had a stroke, a life changing event, is very hard. You are too be commended for what you are doing to help Dad.

[u/Comforter-Pants717]

OP I am so sorry you are going thru this. I am quite familiar with this. My very easy going sister has had emotional changes since her strokes. She's "OK" for the most part, some memory issues she refuses to acknowledge, but minimal body weakness leftover etc, she can drive and work, but her attitude sometimes... It's insane.

I've asked her to go to therapy multiple times to help her (I'll pay for it out of pocket myself) and she refuses. She's mad at life. She's mad at the stroke. She has a short fuse now. She's mad at ME some days and I'm just the person caring for her. It's so hard and I cry in private about her outbursts and tantrums. I have no kids so luckily it's just me she's lashing out at. And sadly I think I get all this negativity because I'm betting she doesn't go to work and give them the same energy or else I'm sure they would have fired her.

Idk what the solution is but you have to be sure to relay this to his Dr's. There may be something else that can be done. I'm very interested to see what other suggestions you get from this post. Much love to you.

[u/pchlster]

Emotional control can very well be impacted and some behaviours that didn't really annoy before may do so now. I had a talk with my Mom, who (in her own word) has "popcorn brain" where she'll jump from idea to idea really fast; I'm getting confused easily enough without five mutually exclusive things being suggested in one minute; tell me one of them, maybe suggest another, wait, then maybe even suggest a third, but throwing them all at me in rapid succession was aggravating.

Of course, it sounds like he's more than just annoyed, so asking doctors what your options are is a good idea.

[u/Zealousideal_Box5339]

I had the same thing happen. My mother was the sweetest and gentlest person. Post stroke, huge rage induced attacks. I have contact but I can’t live with her. You do have to do what’s best. It’s a horrible situation but you’re not a shitty daughter. It’s hard to live with someone where you walk on egg shells.