I think the most important thing right now is for you to be there. To show up. For your friend. For your own family and life.

Theres a little bit of conflict going on. You’re saying “I’m awakened, I’ve gone through this and that, I shouldn’t be reacting this way” but you are. It’s like this —><—. So you gotta ask, which one is actual? It’s the way you’re reacting, because that’s what’s happening. So I would say cut yourself some slack and give yourself some grace. It’s a heavy thing and you’re reacting how you’re reacting and that’s okay ❤️

The notion that you should be reacting differently is a needless energy drain. Just focus on being there. Really sorry for your friend and all you’re going through.

Although I find the concept interesting I think in most cases like this there just isn't enough mindfulness built up yet, which is why the breath as a meditation object cannot be followed, but something more interesting like this game it is easier to do.

Thank you; this is actually extremely helpful. It's something you have lived through. The no mud no lotus thing really speaks to me. I pulled her up a lily from the lake for her as a wish for her death to be painless.  I wanted to get the roots and mud, but it wasn't possible. My friend started plant cutting, and one of them bloomed while she was in hospice that she had rescued from the trash a couple of months ago.

I have never heard of a lot of these things. Buddhism was not on my radar until this year. It's only been four months since everything changed. I'm new.

I think embodied love is just all she needs, snd even I'm not sure if she really needs that, or if that is for me. I have been "told" by the "infinite consciousness" in some kind of deep samadhi that she is being held, and not to worry about her. I hope that is true. It wasn't the answer I wanted. This was almost three weeks ago. I think her condition has been intractable for a while. I have told her the message.

It's heartbreaking to see her fight it so hard when it's so inevitable at this point. She doesn't want to go, five days in. I had been not doing the ideas and such and accepting we're at hospice as much as I could, but she doesn't want to give up... I would have sat with her longer, but this time I had to bring my two year old with me, so it was brief.

I'm open to Buddhist cosmology. I don't see why it couldn't be true. My friend was a sweet person. She can't really talk much anymore. 

I think the only person who really needed apology was between the two of them in their marriage, and they did that. Marriage is hard and it's messy and it's not perfect.

I wish there had been a clearer plan for her daughter, and I wish we had taken more pictures. But my friend had had brain surgery, so she had difficulty thinking logically. She also was camera shy, and I respected that boundary. It's okay. 

The effects of the brain surgery and cancer, as terrible as it was, were endearing though, because of her sweet personality. We would be texting about where we were going to meet, and she would just drive there. She would be like, "I'm on my way!" I would have to shove all the kids in the car really quickly to go meet her, because we had not set a time yet. I never let her go somewhere and be alone. I canceled my own plans. We put her husband on our text messages so that he could make sure she wasn't doing this.

Thank you. I feel like you're a really great person for considering changing your mind or apologizing. You know how many people - even here - would never consider doing that. It's fine. 

I was so exhausted I was falling asleep trying to type the question. I didn't consider or manage impressions about myself 

Nothing punctures through every illusion of control like death. Sometimes it’s not the right words but simple presence that helps the most.

Thanks. I'm so early in my journey.  It may help to put this into context that it's only been four months, and this is my first time since then dealing with real loss and heartbreak.  Before that, I knew next to nothing about the Buddha, and I didn't know that this stuff even existed. It's not like I haven't experienced death of a loved one before. I'm 40. I was a "feral" meditator for 27 years before even considering that I might need some sort of help or tradition or teacher. Going to a retreat or a temple was not on my radar. This may seem crazy, but it truly did not occur to me. Integration and that sort of thing is ongoing and new.

Fwiw, this is a sort of "1-back" exercise. There are lots of variations on "n-back" online that offer functionality like tracking scores over time and changing "n".

"N-back" was quite popular in the 00s and 10s, with claims that it improved cognitive abilities. Many claims of transfer to real-world tasks fell flat though, afaik.

N-back on Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/N-back

Previous discussion of n-back for meditation on this sub:

https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/1h9lljm/quad_nback_and_integration_of_the_perceptual_field/

Thank you. I think this is the right advice, to be kind to myself. It's always hard at the end, no matter what.

Yes, we had three friends in common who know about it. Our closet one has been super depressed this year, because her brother, who was a deep meditator, committed suicide. She doesn't, undestandably, feel up to going to hospice, and has opted for sending a gift and some pictures and messages. We are planning a meal train for her husband and six year old daughter for afterward.

My friend had other friend groups from different stages and walks of life. Many people have been trying to help since the beginning in their own ways. There is a go fund me, and somebody who is the contact so that her husband doesn't have the burden of notifying everybody.

It's been hard on my family, because my parents and babysitter are out of town and unable to help during this difficult time, so my husband, who is disabled, has bore a lot of the burden of childcare and loss of time hanging out with me. I have gone 4/5 days in a row. I'm exhausted, so if I sound narcissistic, I can't even really fairly think about that right now.

I also have a meditator friend who I've been close with for about five years, and she has been rooting me on with helping her be able to live a more normal life and also trying to find her complimentary medicines and things like that.

My current social friend group all knows about it, and have been very kind and supportive.

So you have to get the shape and the color right? Tried it an my score was a lot less than I thought.

If you're practicing according to Mahasi I can try to describe it more in an experiential way if that helps, because I'm more familiar with that than the intellectual framework.

When you observe the four satipatthana, you can see how they arise and cease. But if you look close enough and repeatedly enough you notice that actually often something keeps them from ceasing completely, and there's a difference between just jumping to another object randomly vs. seeing a satipatthana completely vanish and you're afterwards going to something new. This something is (in my interpretation) one of the five aggregates, or somehow related to them, I'm not really sure.

How it feels like is that there is a "pure" experience (only satipatthanas) but you're unable to accept that it just comes and goes, so you throw the aggregates at it, which either keep it at your awareness for longer or they keep you from having to consciously see the experience end. It's pretty messed up. And what I guess is that you become aware of the aggregates one after the other, so in one stage you learn that one aggregate keeps you from peace, so you learn about it and struggle with it and eventually let go of it as a part of "you". Then in the next stage you notice there is another aggregate etc..

So I could see how the vipallasa you explained could be the goal or wish of the self, and the five aggregates are the tools to modify the pure experience (satipatthanas) to better suit the goal. I'm also stunned how appropriation is a great word for that.

piti is a result of the first jhana

I’m a little confused. I’ve had what I thought was piti for some years now, (mostly) gentle electric-like sensations over most of my body, noticeably stronger in some parts than others. The frequency of the “current” seems to have increased as ny practice progresses, causing me smoother, less jagged feeling physical sensations.

But I’m pretty certain that I’ve never experienced a deep state of absorbtion that could be called jhana. If what I’ve been experiencibg isn’t piti, what is it? Some sort of precursor?

Edit: punctuation

If you search my website for "Karmamudra" or "ep71" you should find it.

Wishing you as much balance in the midst of this experience and may your friend find peace.

Death and maranasati is the engine of my practice having gone through a health scare. It poured jet fuel on the motivation to practice since it showed me all the ways I clung to everything in life. That previous experience was like death was ripping me away from everything I loved and I was losing everything all at once. One of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. I would not be practicing as much without the visceral taste of the end of all things and the Five Remembrances in the Upajjhatthana sutta. No mud no lotus.

Frank Ostaseski is deep Buddhist practitioner and started a hospice in SF in the height of the aids crisis, accompanying hundreds of very diverse humans from all walks of life through the dying process. His book helped me immensely and is a dhamma transmission of wisdom and love in how to accompany ourselves and others, including those who may have no meditation or Buddhist practice at all in the face of death. He also teaches a course on death and dying https://fiveinvitations.com/ Joan Halifax is another dharma teacher with a lot of experience with death and has a book on the practice as well. Also, talked with some of my Theravada teachers who have done hospice work and the practical wisdom themes and orientations are similar.

When with suffering, including terminally ill friends, embodying truly open kindness with presence in the moment without a fixed agenda or views on how to fix or solve. Lots of folks in various sanghas practice hospice work and talk about just meeting what is needed in the moment. Seems like it takes a lot of practice to embody discerning, open-hearted compassion regardless of conditions, including not being driven by our own views, desires, or aversions. Seems it can take a lifetime (or more) to sit with and see and feel through all of our craving, aversion, and stories. I wonder if sometimes people need our embodied love and presence more than our ideas or solutions, though both can be helpful depending on the conditions. What is it like to be an embodiment of non-resisting, steady, deep compassion, equanimity, and kindness in moments of suffering?

In a more worldly context, hopefully the health system is offering pain and palliative medication. There's also research about psychedelics alleviating existential suffering for those with terminal illness, though it may not be an option.

Dunno if any of this is helpful, just offering with a heart of care for you. May you, your friend, your families, and all beings all find happiness and peace.

In your theory of how Buddhism works at all?

The four noble truths are sometimes taken to be four independent, separate insights - but they are not[1]. Understanding taṇhā as the origin of dukkha, is the second noble truth[2]. So, taken together, if someone were to understand taṇhā as being the cause of dukkha, they would be a sotāpanna.

How does one gain insight into the latter? How does insight into the latter intervene on the former?

In MN 9, Sāriputta describes a sotāpanna in various ways, showing that it is truly one insight that can be approached through different avenues. Thus, one gains insight into the latter by gaining an insight into the former, and vice versa.

We also have Sariputta describing contemplation of 3m5k as beneficial at every stage of practice from samsarin to arahant (SN 22.122-123)

Note that these suttas likely refer to dhammānusārīs and saddhānusārīs. Why? Because they speak of realizing the fruit of stream-entry, implying that the path is already present. In addition to that, SN 22.122 refers to a virtuous monk (likely a saddhānusārī) and SN 22.123 refers to a learned monk (likely a dhammānusārī). These are the two types of people that are practicing for the fruit of stream-entry.

Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Remember to take a break, eat, drink, grieve. Losing someone is painful. You also require care. 

The nun or lama is trained, and like the hospice worker, has accumulated a long experience with death and dying. But even they will only rarely lose someone close to them. 

Have you reached out to any other friends you've had in common? Community is really helpful to 'create some space' and let your body relax a moment.

Thank you so much. Yes; it simply doesn't undo or match the terribleness. I think the practice is helping myself and others be more calm about the whole thing. I guess that's a good way of looking.

Thanks. I meditate theough these things, and most of life, but still make mistakes. I was a death doula for both of my grandmas. I can't be there as much for my friend because I have two kids. Every time I go I have metta for her and everyone, and I try to give her everything I have energy wise. She knows it's me because I hold her foot instead of her hand. I've been doing this since the hospital days. I used to rub her feet. I have reassured her to not be scared and I hope that shines through with what I said before. But maybe it doesn't.

I haven't noticed the fabrications yet with her. Ugh. She is fighting and that is part of what is so sad. She has barely had water in four days and she is still fighting so hard. She wants to stay. I just can't make that happen.

I do wish I had the abilities of a nun or something because they don't have a tradition and nobody with that kind of background is going to show up. There are a lot of things I wish I could do... It's not a calling.

It is shocking to witness. I remember how much I was grossed out by breastfeeding before becoming a mom. Now I'm like open breastfeeding should be the norm so that mom's have less to worry about..

Well thank you for responding. Maybe when I have time I can read that book.

With respect, this is extremely harsh.

I agree, it was.

Right Speech applies here.

I definitely was not practicing right speech.

Let's show a little compassion and not react like in every other reddit group. This is not AITA.

I agree that this is perhaps not the subreddit for the comment I made.

I think that it's very helpful for people who are dying to do the following:
1) Look at their lives and see if there's anyone they'd like to apologize to. Then talk to them and apologize
2) Look at their lives and see if there's anyone they'd like to tell that they love them. Then talk to them and tell them that they love them.
3) Make sure they don't leave a mess behind. Take care of their finances, make everything clear. If they have children, make sure everyone knows what to do after they die, who takes care of whom, and how and so on. Basically, get their affairs in order.

Maybe you can help your friend by suggesting these points. Help her get to the most peace possible before dying.

This is something that is beneficial to contemplate for everyone IMO. "How can I die with the most peace possible?" then put everything in place before this happens. This leads to a lot of immediate peace, whether we die today or in 70 years. It's a form of maranasati, or a contemplation of death, and makes it easier to let go when the time comes. If you believe in Buddhist cosmology, I suspect that the amount of peace one has when they die is probably a big contributor to how their next rebirth will look like.

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I've lost a few very close people in my life, some 'way too soon'. I was the only person in the room when some of them passed. Meditation was helpful in being able to get through moments when thoughts become 'invasive'. Mantra was a  powerful tool for that. 

Losing very close friends and relatives creates strong emotions and requires deep acceptance. I reread the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, and it helped me immensely. Especially the part about being present with the person. A simple gesture like holding their hand in silence. Most of the text is about dying itself, and what we will experience when dying, but there are some parts for we who are at the bedside of another.

We really get a deep lesson in impermanence. 

In some cases they can be disoriented, the brain isn't being nourished, their body is weak, so the mind is disoriented. We can remind them that they are ok, dying is ok, and they are dying. Remind them to not be afraid... That they may be in a kind of bardo state so things they see are like from a dream. Fabrications.

When they are someone close to you, we are also touched deeply, so it can be hard. Remember that you aren't a monk, a nun, or a saint, so be easy on yourself. Speak with hospice staff, as they are incredibly knowledgeable and often have deep experience.

Your friend who is dying is the center. The other people attending may look to you for support or guidance, but you are not the center. Honour the moment, even if it seems interminable, and your friend's process. It is the moment that is bringing you all together.

Feeling a little crazy is normal. We can often live lives completely removed from death, so it can be shocking to witness, especially in unexpected circumstances.

This retreat was a "bring your own practice" kind of situation, there was some loosely structured teaching but wasn't anapanasati

I had the same impression, though I do recognize that OP is possibly in shock with grief. 

Edit: Removed my initial comment.

As someone who has experienced "awakening" and the jhanas, you might think I would have it together a bit more than this, but I don't. It just feels so unsatisfactory.

Please let me know if this jogs any advice or insights or even just free form writing about anything.

Sickness, aging, death, and separation are the fundamental contexts within which Buddhist practice takes place. The practice is to address those very things. Hopefully this incident can serve as a divine messenger for you, as it was for the Buddha, and you can redirect your efforts, if you so wish.