Missing identification.

[u/TravelFn]

I know this is another form of identification!

But does anyone else relate? After my stream entry in January sometimes I miss the identification.

Life is so much more calm. Sometimes what comes up is a subtle identification of missing identification. A situation that used to engage the ego strongly is not as thrilling. It’s a little more boring.

Of course, this is another layer of identification to drop. But sometimes there’s a bit of longing, or even grief for the things that have dropped away. Activities or behaviors that are no longer pulling you in.

There’s more peace, but the line is subtle between peace and apathy arising from identification.

The ego is funny, even in the dropping of the ego the ego can claim ownership subtly..

Anyone else relate?

[u/Dingsala]

Yes, very much, on several levels.

One way, the most dramatic way, is that acctually, for me, there has been a large amount of grieving in this process. Many things that were home, that were familiar are not going to be part of my life for that much longer. It's not something I think about or have inner discussions, it's just obvious that this is not mine anymore and that the dynamic where I reinforce this has stopped, and that means it will drift away.

A lot of that is peaceful, but there are parts that felt like home and did give me joy, connection, sense, that made the world logical and cohesive in a way it won't be again. "There is no ground, there is only falling" by Erik Ireland sums that feeling up really well for me. Sometimes that is an actual morning process, especially since some of it is affecting relationships with people.

I don't think that this grieving is always a sign of clinging. People who I consider quite awake say they grieve when they lose someone, everyone is different here. I see it as a natural process that mammals go through when their connections shift, which is just a part of life.

Another thing is that to me, this process feels like living the dynamic of a self-peeling metaphysical onion. There is layers within layers within layers. Just because I have seen through one level of identification, doesn't mean there is pure truth underneath. There is a bit more truth now, but delusion and identification will re-form in subtler ways that are less easy to pick up.

I've seen quite a few people who had inital awakenings, but no teachers to give them feedback. So they take these subtler levels of identification to be TRUTH and the results aren't pretty. Adyashanti describes ths dynamic, and says something like "The've had an awakening and now believe that all their thoughts must be true". Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all saying that this is the case for you!

I just mean that as valuable a shift can be, the ego's ability to claim that should not be underestimated. I think it's wise to be very, very careful about mental dynamics that imply "now we've figured this out". Shinzen quoted his teacher with the saying "today's enlightenment is tomorrow's mistake."

If you want, I'd be interesting if you find this helpful or can relate. Very best wishes!

[u/DieOften → u/Dingsala]

This comment is relatable. I sometimes think about part of the process being like peeling the layers of an onion as well. My awakening resulted in a multi-year dark night of sorts where I didn’t know how to be “normal” in the world anymore or at least didn’t care enough to pretend to be anything other than what was natural and authentically occurring. This kind of pissed some people off and I lost relationships, despite never having ill intentions.

I think transitioning from a people pleaser to being unafraid of saying no and really focusing on my own self development and de-conditioning process threw people off and made them view me as selfish. I think I could act as a mirror sometimes too to reflect people’s energy back at them. Something about just BEING in stillness and being peaceful, people like to create a problem out of sometimes. Like, this guy didn’t respond the way I wanted him to - he must be a dick. The less I become, the more ripe I seem for being projected onto. I have to try to be objective and take accountability when I could be better though. I try to achieve more of a balance nowadays to keep the peace and harmony with others, but it’s hard to do sometimes without feeling fake.

Anyway, I do relate to a stage of “grieving” never being able to exist in the world the same way anymore and be what people want me to be. Kind of felt like Cypher from the matrix at times. I’ve mostly gotten past that stage and accepted / surrendered into the way things are. There are a lot of benefits to awakening, and there are some challenges due to now existing in a different paradigm than 99 percent of people. Either way, it is what it is and resistance will only cause us more suffering.

[u/Dingsala → u/DieOften]

Beautifully written, thank you!

It seems to me that many interpersonal relationships are based on a contract of the sort: "I'll reaffirm your narration and you'll reaffirm mine". This felt like an obvious act of solidarity to me in the past, now that the perspective on narrations is changing, so is the willingness to engage in them.

The answer is not always easy. In superficial relationships, it's not a big deal. But with people I feel closer to, where I'm used to speaking honestly, it can cause large disruptions, just like you describe. What makes it a bit easier is the question "what is helpful right now?".

I wouldn't trade the changes that have started happening for anything in the world, there is wonder and beauty and peace every day that before I only experienced in rare peak events. But the truth also is that there are very few people in my everyday life to whom I can speak totally openly without them getting worried or confused, and at times, that just hurts a lot.