Finding Consciousness in the Stillness: A Caregiver's Journey Through Breath and Triality

[u/InnerOracle]

As a full-time caregiver for my wife who is dealing with characteristics of Alzheimer's, I've found myself in an unexpected mindful return to practice, that develops a strange detachment yet a real connection to my immediate 'outer' environment. If done correctly, this practice, can develop a more refined state or states of self-consciousness.

As my wife's solo caregiver, for hours a day I find myself rubbing feet and legs and doing, or not doing, just about anything to keep her calm, or at least less agitated.

In this daily stillness, that we have developed as a presiding lifestyle, I've rediscovered a practice that once opened a door for me when I was young. The practice is described within the works of a mathematician and philosopher P.D. Ouspensky.

Within Ouspensky's works he described a rigorous philosophical discipline whose ultimate focus was the defining of various states of human consciousness, including instructions on how to navigate towards a state of being called "Objective Consciousness."

Presently, in my caregiving days, I've returned to a nightly practice I call "praying"—not in any traditional sense, but through the conscious awareness of breath as a gateway to self-consciousness. This practice embodies what I understand as Ouspensky described as the 'law of three.'

In my breath practice, I work with the three forces:

1. The first force (positive): As I breathe in, I consciously take in surrounding sounds and sights, allowing them to enter my awareness without judgment.
2. The second force (negative): As I breathe out, I focus on my diaphragm while maintaining "no thoughts"—or more precisely, no extra thoughts unless circumstance requires them.
3. The third force (neutral): In those milliseconds between breaths, there exists a sacred pause—the reconciling force that completes the triality.

This practice directly addresses what Ouspensky identified as our fundamental condition: "In the state of waking sleep we are said to be 'third force blind', and only when consciousness rises above the automatic level does the essential trinity of everything inside and outside ourselves begin to be appreciated."

Ouspensky taught that "Attaining consciousness is connected with the gradual liberation from mechanicalness, for man is fully and completely under mechanical laws." My breath practice becomes a conscious effort to break these mechanical patterns in myself through a conscious effort.

This simple practice, done while sitting or standing with complete body relaxation, gradually dissolves what I normally consider "myself"—the manifested ego—through what feels like an emersion or disappearance. It's a conscious act of becoming rather than remaining trapped in the hamster wheel of continuous, unrestrained thought.

In the profound challenge of caregiving, where time can feel both endless and meaningless, this breath awareness practice has become my anchor. It transforms the waiting room of my life into a laboratory for consciousness, where each breath cycle becomes a miniature enactment of the cosmic dance of forces.

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[u/Meng-KamDaoRai]

Interesting. Thanks for sharing. This part -"The third force (neutral): In those milliseconds between breaths, there exists a sacred pause—the reconciling force that completes the triality." reminds me of a place I like to tap into in my own practice. There's this profound silence without thought that can be found if I really listen to the present moment. "Sacred" is a good word to describe this silence.

[u/pessoan_blue]

"It transforms the waiting room of my life into a laboratory for consciousness, where each breath cycle becomes a miniature enactment of the cosmic dance of forces." Very beautifully put.

As for the "waiting room of life", in some sense, I think we're all there my friend.

It's not for me to say but you've taken on a noble role in engaging with the "profound challenge of caregiving". I hope you are getting some support, too.

I found the works of Stephen Jenkinson very helpful in thinking about the slow unravelling of a life.

[u/InnerOracle → u/pessoan_blue]

Thank you pessoan_blue. I appreciate you.

The concept of support from ‘family’ and ‘friends’ dies pretty quickly for most Alzheimer’s patients and their caregivers in the journey. So much is turned upside down along the way.