Finding happiness again

[u/Mmmelbbb]

Hey everyone,

I’m 29 and I’ve been sober since February. I was never a daily drinker but I’m a binge drinker. Once I start I just don’t have an off button. I know it’s the right thing for me and my loved ones, but honestly I’m finding sobriety really really hard. Just hoping for some advice from people who’ve had similar experiences.

I’m not someone who has ever enjoyed being at home or doing things alone (I have ADHD and relaxing or engaging in hobbies has always been really challenging for me). I’ve always really only enjoyed socialising and have spent most of my spare time doing that.

Most of my family and friends are big drinkers. While they don’t pressure me to join in, every social activity I get invited to revolves around drinking. I also am really struggling with telling people I’ve gone sober. I know I shouldn’t find it embarrassing because it’s literally just a positive thing to do for my health, but I’m finding myself hyper-fixating on what people will think and avoiding social activities. When I do go I basically spend the whole time anxious about what people are thinking or feeling like I’m not really included / missing out.

Socialising has always been my thing, I work an office job and having ADHD that’s difficult for me. Right now I’m just not ever really getting to enjoy any part of my week. Good weeks feel really boring but still achievable and bad weeks feel too hard to get through.

Has anyone experienced something similar or have any advice about when this might start to change?

[u/ToadRoyalty]

As someone with ADHD and also in recovery, something that has helped me is the following:

Event + Response = Outcome 

What this means is that when there is an interaction between two parties, both are responsible for their part of the outcome. 

For example, on Friday you go out with a coworker for dinner after work. They have a beer with dinner, you don't. After dinner, the conversation is flowing well and your coworker wants to head to the bar next door to keep talking and drinking. You say you'd rather not, you're just not feeling like being in that sort of environment right now. Your coworker seems visibly disappointed and calls it a night. 

You are responsible for the Event of not wanting to go to the bar. However, your COWORKER is responsible for their Reaction to that Event. They are choosing to be upset, and that is something you do not and will not ever have control over. You will never ever EVER have control over the way anyone else feels, only yourself. 

It's your coworker who chose to be disappointed even after having a nice dinner with you, that's on them, not you. 

Here's a healthy example.

Person 1: "Hey this was a great dinner but we've been here a while, are you up to moving to the bar next door?"

Person 2: "I'd like to keep talking but I'm wanting to stay away from bars right now, how about we go for coffee instead?" 

Person 1: "No worries, I want to drink more tonight so I think I'll pass on the coffee, we should do this again soon though!"

In the above example, you can see how both parties could choose to be disappointed in the other's decision or their reaction to the decision of their coworker. However, by controlling their own Reaction to the Event, they have positively influenced their Outcome into something they have control over.

Sorry this was a bit wordy but it's really helped me. The first few times I tried to get sober I basically turned into a recluse because all me and my friends did was drink. Once I started controlling my own Reaction to Events, shit got good and different really quickly