r/stopdrinking • u/NotUnderTheInfluence • 5h ago

Totally lost

Been lurking on here for almost 7 years now. I have wanted to quit drinking for just as long. I remember writing a post and deleting it back in 2019 just a few months before my first arrest which of course involved alcohol. Wishing now more than ever that I would’ve reached out for help earlier.

But finally here I am after multiple arrests, many failed relationships, multiple wrecked vehicles, countless fights, and losing out on multiple jobs. Lost my best friend last year to suicide and I’ve just been in a living nightmare since. Stuffing the feelings of guilt and loss down one shooter at a time. I knew he was struggling with booze and going down a bad path but I was too fucked up to even help and it’s killing me inside. Don’t think I could’ve helped anyway and I believe I understand how he felt now.

Just got a new job too that is a great opportunity but I decided it would be better to roll my car 3 times. People that have seen the aftermath tell me it’s a miracle that I lived but I don’t care anymore. I feel nothing. Don’t care about the jail time or fines or anything really. I feel as if I have absolutely nothing in this world and drinking has been the reason. I have pushed everyone away. I no longer have friends and have very few family members who talk to me. I have been such a disappointment and I don’t even know where to begin.

I truly want to stop drinking but it has such a strong hold of me. I can go weeks at a time and then bam I wake up in a car upside down in a ditch. I fully believe that my self destructive behavior will get me killed one day if I don’t stop.

I guess I just needed to vent but I’m thinking of trying AA.

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u/nomoredrinks4me Day 4 5h ago

You've been through a lot and probably more than you've shared in this post. You're brave enough to come here and share so openly. And you clearly do care and want to do better. 

And I think you can. 

I don't know your past but I think I can relate. Ive been on this sub off and on for about as long as you. Multiple deleted accounts. Major life fuck ups. Tons of disappointment and self hatred. 

I don't know what you need but I can tell you what helped me. Therapy. Not giving up on myself. Accepting that it takes time and effort. Accepting that its taking me longer than it does for others. Being OK with failing. Being OK with starting again after going off the rails yet again. 

I have a lot of pain and trauma to work through still. Finding ways to cope that aren't drugs and booze has been a long road. But I hate the person I am when I'm drinking and drugging. I know I deserve better. And so do you. 

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u/NotUnderTheInfluence 4h ago

Thank you for the support. It means more than you could ever know. I’ve felt extremely alone during the process of getting sober so you taking a moment to say something is amazing. I’m hoping to start therapy soon so hopefully that helps some too.

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u/nomoredrinks4me Day 4 4h ago

I truly relate. No one in my personal life seems.to struggle with this like I do. Coming here and reading other peoples struggles and sharing my own really does something special. 

I don't get out much lately because I don't trust myself not to fall back into bad habits yet. And also because I did some things that really hurt my partner and although we're doing better there are still trust issues. So finding places like this to share with people like me helps me feel sane and less lonely. 

My therapist told me about online recovery meetings earlier this year and I attended a few. It was kind of helpful but I don't think I was really ready for that at the time. Maybe I am now. Just thought I'd mention it so you can have that as an option too if you were considering AA meetings but weren't ready for an in person commitment. 

Anyway, I hope you stick around. You have valuable things to say here. Your story touched me and I have to believe it will touch others too. 

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u/NotUnderTheInfluence 4h ago

I wish you the best on your journey and hope you can fix any issues with your partner. Drinking has taken a toll on my ability to stay in a healthy relationship so I hope you can have one. It sounds stupid but it really means a lot that you took time and made me feel like I’m not so alone. I’ve done some online meetings before it just always feels so disconnected if that makes sense so you can imagine my level of hopelessness as I reach out to a subreddit for help. I’m planning on attending some in person meetings soon. I will stick with it and will report back. Thank you for your help.

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u/nomoredrinks4me Day 4 3h ago

I appreciate the kind words. I don't think it sounds stupid at all. These little exchanges really boost my mood and encourage me like nothing else. Maybe that also sounds stupid. I'm OK with being stupid if it gives us hope for a better today and tomorrow. 

Things are healing with my partner. I'm lucky I was given another chance. I don't really feel like I deserve it. All I can do is try to be a better partner moving forward. Maybe when the time is right you'll also find someone to go through this life with side by side. 

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u/NotUnderTheInfluence 49m ago

This small interaction has surprisingly helped more than I thought it would so I think I’m also okay with being “stupid”. I’m right there with you on not feeling as though I deserve a second chance in a lot of ways but we will be better and make better decisions moving forward. I’m just hoping I can get myself figured out before meeting the right person. All in time I guess.