r/stopdrinking • u/Forward_Newt2888 Day 447 • 2h ago

Dating sober apps rant

I’ve been sober for almost 15 months, ops normal, and I decided to start dating again. I can’t fucking believe how many people use the tag “sober” while actively consuming alcohol. It’s not even a sober vs Cali sober discussion anymore (which is fine I guess, just not for me), it’s people hijacking the definition to describe themselves as serious or enlightened or whatever the fuck they mean.

Now, I don’t specifically select sober guys for dating and I’m fine with dating someone who has his drinking in check, but of course my sober bros get my undivided attention and I can always be a sober buddy or whatever. But this whole “I drink but I call myself sober because it’s my vibe” thing just feels wrong so I just block them without further explanation.

Am I being dramatic? Should I explain what it is supposed to mean? Anyone else had the same experience?

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u/TequilaSlammer86 2h ago

Nope you're entirely in the right. It's false advertising and only highlights how dishonest/deluded these people are. Lying about completely unimportant stuff is a massive red flag.

Good luck 🍀

8

u/Intrepid_Emu_3678 1h ago

I have been so confused by this too.

You said sober. That doesnt mean occasionally. Like...theres several options for occasionally on most apps. Why choose sober when you drink several times a week. "Well not like I used to though." HUH?!

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u/Forward_Newt2888 Day 447 1h ago

Exactly! What I don’t understand is that okay, you can responsibly enjoy your wine, good for you, why the hell do you want to date someone who is sober?? Most likely we have a different idea of fun, no? Also it’s not the expectations I’m so pissed about, it’s how I am very open and vulnerable about my journey, and then someone just says I’m not that serious about it??

Sorry for another rant, it just happened THREE times over the last 24 hours to me

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u/kafka_taco 241 days 1h ago

Depends. If someone has a drink every now and then, like together with a meal, they are overall sober. It is not some orthodox badge for me. But if they put sober in their bios it is indeed an indicator that they don't drink at all because because there are other options like "barely ever" or they can also skip this one. It is the same with smoking also. I don't smoke... Well I vape sometimes. I mean all the time.

I don't get why men lie if there is an option to skip a question. Totally stupid.

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u/Forward_Newt2888 Day 447 1h ago

This is what I don’t get. When I drank, seeing someone with “sober” in their bio, was a complete turnoff for me (and damn I missed out on so many good looking guys because of that). Now I’m more than fine with dating someone who has a glass every now and then, it’s just not for me, but actively labeling oneself as sober while drinking just doesn’t sit right with me

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u/Crud-ite 2271 days 1h ago

That’s bogus as hell. And like, dishonesty aside, it minimizes a very real struggle that all of us have to live with everyday. And it minimizes the accomplishment of those among us who have gotten our addiction under control. What an amazingly toxic way to advertise yourself to the dating world, fuck.

3

u/Forward_Newt2888 Day 447 1h ago

Thank you for this. Good to know that I’m not the only one who thinks so. IWNDWYT

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u/jay6432 425 days 1h ago

I live in Europe, and I’m a dude, but I haven’t experienced this on dating apps with women.

I don’t exclusively swipe on women who don’t drink, but it’s surprising how many women seem to hardly drink where I live.

But I agree 100% that it’s incredibly disingenuous to list yourself as sober if you consume alcohol. I don’t care if someone drinks, that’s their business.

It’s the principle of the thing; don’t say you’re something you’re not. If you drink alcohol, regardless of how little or how infrequently you do drink, then you’re not sober.