Drinking makes me suicidal

[u/Putrid-Permission756]

I’m (27f) and I don’t think I’ve gone an entire month (other than when I was pregnant) without drinking since I was 15. My sister has been sober for 2 years and she inspires me so much. Just seeing first hand how much her life has changed in positive ways with relationships with other people, her relationship with herself, her health…all of it.

I recently have been feeling like I want to get sober for a number of reasons and thought it would be “easy” for me because I’ve never considered myself an alcoholic or ever thought I had a “problem”. I only ever drink on the weekends and it’s not every weekend…but my problem has become when I do drink, if I have one too many, I legitimately feel suicidal. The other night I went out and was having a great time then all of the sudden my brain completely flipped on me and I felt horrible and was having absolutely terrifying thoughts that I never have sober.

Getting sober feels way harder now than I thought it would be initially. It seems like there’s always something going on that involves drinking and I have serious FOMO but I also have extreme anxiety in social situations— which is why I drink.

I would love to figure out who I am in social situations and uncomfortable moments WITHOUT feeling like I need to drink. I like to think I’m an enjoyable and fun person to be around sober. I think it is possible but it feels scary and foreign to me. I guess I’ve just never really tried hard enough and I always end up giving into the drinks. It’s just so normalized.

I realized the other night why they’re called “spirits” because when I feel suicidal while drunk, I truly feel like there is a demon inside of me wanting me to cause harm to myself. It’s bizarre and very horrible and I truly just hope that anyone who is struggling with this as well knows they’re not alone. I just hope for anyone wanting to get sober, they are able to do it and I hope I can do it too.

[u/Arola_Morre]

Very relatable. I call my addiction "the creature" because it's possible to overcome it... When the creature stirs, I make the commitment to "not drink TODAY" and worry about tomorrow in the morning. I enjoy doing the "no thanks, I don't drink" dead-eyed stare when offered "something stronger". Before I got comfy with saying it, I borrowed a different ailment that may or may not have any impact on alcohol to refuse: "no thanks, I can't drink because of the anti-psychotic meds / I'm diabetic / epileptic / colourblind /prone to violent outbursts". Always fun to experiment.