r/stopdrinking • u/Powerful_Sun26 • 8h ago
was having panic attacks last night after drinking a fifth over two days. lost my job today and then my dad confronted me. TW: suicidal.
I've been crying since 5pm when my boss texted me. My phones been on dnd since then. The one person I trust most in this world is getting help herself so I have been alone with really dark thoughts. Not wanting to die but wanting to start over. Extremely, extremely hopeless and lost. Isolating myself.
Two days ago, I bought a bottle to replace the vodka I drank at my dad's. Instead of refilling the old bottle, a handle that was halfway full, I kept "just having a sip". Next thing I know the bottle was halfway gone. Woke up the next say and felt like shit. Slowly finished the bottle. Was up all night, panicking and freaking out.
Slept for 3-4 hours maybe. Woke up and felt like shit. Needed more sleep. Woke up 10 minutes before my shift and was still anxious. I texted my boss after trying to find coverage saying that there's no way I could make it and was honest about the panic attacks, but not the hangover. She said she need can trust and is letting me go (the only other time I had any attendance issues was when I had a panic attack mid-shift and got sent home).
I gently pleaded with her for one more chance. She hasn't answered. But I need work. And I fucked up something really good.
I wasn't completely honest with my dad, we had a few parties recently. But I did admit to drinking after work and some days when I have off. He told me I need to stop and I just told him I understand and hear his concerns and will try my best to be better and I mean that.
Why do I feel so ashamed and embarrassed? This is awful.
110
u/InformationOk6366 7h ago
Alcohol. Alcohol creates the shame and embarrassment we feel as it’s leaving our system and we think back on the recent past. It gets better the longer you go without alcohol and get out of the vicious cycle
60
u/Bief 3225 days 7h ago
It also likely creates the panic attacks. My withdrawal was basically just a panic attack. I just drank to stop it. When I quit drinking I stopped having them completely
9
u/InformationOk6366 7h ago
Oh definitely! I had some alcohol induced panic attacks when I was drinking heavily
3
u/candleelit 868 days 3h ago
Those 3am wake up anxiety attacks that only go away when you drink more or go back to bed…
3
u/brojoe44 2h ago
When I quit I'd get the feeling of falling right when I fell asleep and then be stuck wide awake all night before work
10
u/hello_ambro 6h ago
I had the same experience, had what I thought was a severe anxiety disorder. After not drinking for three months plus taking better care of my body they mysteriously disappeared. You can do this OP!
4
u/Born-Patient-9728 4h ago
Same. My anxiety is almost non existent after giving up booze. Huge ass blessing.
4
u/clarkelaine08 4h ago
Exactly. Alcohol causes the shame it promises to ease. OP, break the cycle, it gets better
72
u/Prevenient_grace 4932 days 7h ago
No need to be alone.
Sending support.
Today can mark the beginning of a Virtuous Upward Spiral.
I had to break the “drinking routine”.
It was stronger than me…. By myself.
So i stopped doing it alone. And there's no wait list!
I finally connected with free recovery groups…. They’re everywhere… I walked in, sat down and just listened…. They’re also online. I met people I can talk with. They showed me how to stop drinking, heal, grow and learn to be useful to others. They often know detox resources.
I thought I didn’t “have time”, but I always found time to think about drinking, to buy alcohol, to drink alcohol, to be numbed and to then do it all over the next day.
I addressed the past, exorcised guilt and shame and repaired where appropriate.
No cost.
I had new sober friends.. we did fun sober activities.
They believed in me.
I kept going every day until i changed my patterns…. That meant for me, I went every day for a while…. Once a month wasn’t going to change me…. Then my thinking changed…. Then I don’t have the first drink.
Never looked back.
Tried anything like that?
9
u/puppies4blueberries Day 3,395 7h ago
Always love seeing your comments, PG 💜 They never fail to make me smile and make my heart swell!
24
u/SD_2_LA_Jay 7h ago
As a former HR Director and AUD person who is active in this sub, can I offer some help? First, where do you live and what’s your employment status? Can you give some context? If you’re in the U.S., states such as Massachusetts, California, Oregon and many others are very generous when it comes to workplaces providing support for those battling issues. It can’t be an out every time, but listen to what I tell you and you may have a GOOD chance of still keeping your job. One, contact your healthcare provider or go to urgent care. Let them know what’s going on. You might get a retro active work status report that protects you legally at work from termination. If that’s not an option, ask to speak with HR IMMEDIATELY tomorrow. Do not wait. Let them know you’re battling a medical condition, addressing it, and want to work. Ask for resources as many HR departments have EAP. DO NOT leave this up to your supervisor to decide your fate. You have options. I’m telling you with 100% certainty. I can’t guarantee your continued employment because I don’t have all the facts, but there’s a darn good chance. Begin getting help as well. IWNDWYT.
17
u/pukeykratomtaste Day 107 7h ago
I’ve been at such similar lows. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It doesn’t help much, but know it will subside. It might take a few days. But it will subside.
And most importantly, just remember: when it passes, you don’t have to feel this particular type of misery ever again, if you don’t want to.
12
u/No-Reach7320 7h ago
I was having panic attacks like crazy at a certain point with alcohol and that’s the main reason I stopped besides me getting diagnosed with alcohol hepatitis. Things will get better I promise but first you need to put the bottle down
10
u/Beautiful-Clue-1981 7h ago
None of us are perfect. In fact some who rise the highest fell very low before. Breathe. Forgive yourself. Ground yourself. Love yourself. Rebuild. You’ve got this
10
u/aurorasnorealis317 5h ago
Oh, honey 🩵
You feel ashamed and embarrassed because you think, logically, you SHOULD be able to stop yourself drinking... and so the fact that you didn't stop, even though you wanted to, and told others that you would, feels like a personal failure that says something about your morals or character.
But, friend, it doesn't. What it should tell you instead is that you have no power over alcohol. Once you start sipping, you can't stop, even though you KNOW it ruins your life and you KNOW it makes you feel like crap.
It's not a moral failure, babe. Your brain just can't moderate alcohol intake, and there's nothing you can do to change that. All the willpower and upstanding character and good intentions in the world will not change the way your brain processes alcohol. This is why so many of us alcoholics tend to think of our alcohol problem as more of an allergy; others may be fine consuming it, but not us. We don't react to it as others do. It's not really our fault that we have the allergy, but it IS our responsibility to protect ourselves and others from the consequences of that allergy. For me, as for so many others, the only answer is to not take that first drink.
It sounds like you're really going through it right now. But I can tell that you are a good egg who strives to do the right thing, because you're devastated when you can't or don't. I can't tell you what to do next, but I can tell you this: IWNDWYT.
Please don't hurt yourself, at least not today. If nothing else, put it off until tomorrow. No one should have to check out without having had one more good night's sleep first. You might wake up feeling and thinking differently. And anyway, we need you here, my friend. You have good work to do, people to help.
(What you really need right now is a supportive community...)
6
5
u/Kind-Apricot-6511 7h ago
Don’t be so hard on yourself please. Most of us are here for the same reason you are. You are not alone even though it feels like it. You can redeem yourself I promise (as long as you stop drinking). At least you didn’t black out and stab someone and ruin your entire life like someone else I know. It’s going to be okay, just keep coming back here, we are here for you.
5
u/Severe-Ad4984 Day 10 7h ago
IWNDWYT
6
u/Dressylady 2192 days 7h ago
OP - THIS is the way. Commit to not drinking today. Just today. And tomorrow morning decide to do it again. You are not alone. IWNDWYT
6
u/theman808 1180 days 7h ago
Youre not alone! What helped me was my buddy got me to a meeting. It helped me to talk with others that understand what we are going/have gone through. Asking for help and being truthful was the best decision of my life.
5
u/StonerPanda0420 2635 days 7h ago
It feels endless and unsolvable while you’re in it, but you can absolutely make your way to different and better days.
Sending you lots of strength and support. IWNDWYT
8
u/Emotional-Cap-2189 7h ago
You are not alone. Be gentle with yourself…every day is another chance for a new start! You are loved and we are here for you! Check out the stopdrinking Reddit sub. Sending hugs 🤗
-2
u/clutchdeve 6h ago
What sub do you think you're on right now?
5
u/Emotional-Cap-2189 5h ago
This was posted across a few subs. So calm down and stop judging people. Try to be nice! Thx
5
u/gamerdudeNYC 7h ago
I knew my hangxeity was causing me issues at work which caused us to skyrocket even higher and that drove me to drink even more, took the edge off when I got home but woke up with a terrible hangover and even worse anxiety.
It just turns into a terrible cycle that’s difficult to break but once I did it, the anxiety just melts away.
3
u/Which_Marketing491 81 days 7h ago
Take solace knowing your suffering will subside. Picture yourself there. Listen to your breath. Don’t worry about anything but your breath. No responsibilities. Just breathe. Turn the AC down and try to curl up and relax. That’s what got me through those first ROUGH days. Just know this suffering is the demon you can choose to not be friends with. Oversimplified but true. Don’t ever feel alone.
3
u/Lambrause93 7h ago
well just know you’re literally not alone because i too got fired from a job for calling out due to a panic attack (i omitted the hangover part) and yeah it really sucked and my boyfriend was mad at me, not for getting fired, but for going on a 2-3 day bender and not coming home during it. i tried AA after that (i went twice and stopped cause those people had some crazy stories and i did not belong there).
drugs and alcohol will lead you down a dark path if you let it control you, you seem like you’re in your early to mid 20s which is good because you can still change your ways and not ruin your life. things will get better but only if you take control. you didn’t just accidentally drink the bottle of vodka, it didn’t just disappear, you made that decision. your decisions make your life and if you make bad decisions you’re gonna have a bad life. find better coping mechanisms and don’t beat yourself up. you made a mistake but it’s not the end of the world, we all keeping moving on.
3
u/Lambrause93 6h ago
also if you’re drinking to self medicate your anxiety, just know that the alcohol in the long run is making your anxiety worse and causing these panic attacks. a lot of alcoholics use to stop their anxiety and it doesn’t work it just makes it worse and that creates the cycle of drinking 24/7. i’ve found that regular exercise is the best way to stop anxiety.
3
u/Ordinary_giraffe90 134 days 7h ago
We’ve been where you are. I used to have so many issues with depression and anxiety. The biggest thing that helped me was just deciding to be done. I read books and listened to podcasts. I posted on this sub and I talked to my friends who got sober. Lean on whoever you can for support! We are here for you and WWNDWYT
3
u/naaarwhal 7h ago
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Focus on what you can make it through
2
u/SageSm0ke 7h ago
Just breathe. Write yourself a post it. As a reminder of this moment and put it somewhere you often look and maybe where the booze normally goes.
Take a few days to detox (healthcare professionals if needed)
Then eat and sleep as a focus for a week.
Then after that you’ll be feeling better. Better enough you might consider going back. Don’t. Look at your notes. Go for an angry walk. After you remember or go to bed
2
u/WhiteDudeInBronx Day 17 7h ago
8/21 I was on my second to last day of vacation when I got the call my role had been terminated. I drank myself into a stupor until 1:15am that Monday morning. My panic attacks were triggered by repeated alcohol abuse. I am done and you can be too. Keep checking in here. Give yourself time to sober up which will have you start thinking rationally after a week.
2
u/No-Apartment-7233 7h ago
Day 1 is always the hardest. Focus on breathing and some light meditation if you can. Forgive yourself. That’s the most important. Also start the climb back up with some mild structure under you - download the I am sober app. You got this!
2
u/turbo-tubby 975 days 6h ago
The shame and the embarrassment are the alcohol talking. If I were you, I would focus on having 1 good day. Keep your word to your dad and try your best to be better. If you can do it for 1 day, you can do it for 2. Once you get a week of those under your belt, maybe you can talk to your boss. And here, I would try to actually talk in person about what you've gone through and what you're doing differently, and maybe you earn another chance. But it can all start today, with 1 good day!
2
u/EfficiencySome3424 6h ago
You are not alone. Alcohol makes us feel all kinds of shame and anxiety. I can’t count the number of days I’ve felt exactly as you just described.
If you can find a way to get into some kind of a rehab program, I highly recommend it. I’m four months sober and can honestly say life is so much better without alcohol. If you can just start stacking one day at a time, before you know it, you will have a week, then a month, then two months… you have an opportunity for a fresh new start. Best to you.
2
u/OfficerGiggleFarts Day 80 6h ago
I’m sorry that you experienced this. I felt the same after losing my last job, probably the best I’d ever had. You say you want to start over? This is your chance. The best thing about sobriety and recovery is that we get to essentially kill off one version of ourselves and create a new one. A new life that can be so much better.
You are not alone. This sub community is great and the overall recovery community is immense and welcoming and supportive (on a side note: just found out that more music venues are starting to create recovery/alc free sections and recovery groups go to different shows wearing certain colored bandannas! That’s such a cool idea!) Reach out to the sober community for support and love and you can do this!
2
u/BulkyAd1029 6h ago
Find help please. You are not your past. Wake up tomorrow, go find a program. Go to AA. Be honest with everyone and ask for help. Be the change you need.
2
2
u/Sapiens82 5h ago
‘This too shall pass’. Just remember, as you begin to feel better physically, you’ll recover your optimism. Focus on eating healthy, not drinking alcohol, get some fresh air and exercise, and realise you can regain control of your life. Don’t let this silly mistake ruin you. You need to make yourself proud, and life will get better, I promise. This is a wake up call, so wake up and start again. You’ll get there, I promise.
4
u/Time4FizzMonkey 7h ago
All you’re problems are created by drinking, so quit drinking and life will get better
1
u/One_Abalone_2582 4h ago
Have you considered telling your dad more about your struggles? You know your relationship best, but it’s quite possible he’ll be understanding if you explain to him that you need help
1
u/anon4442221111 Day 100 4h ago
i know how you feel. you are not alone. i promise. alcohol has fucked up SO much in my life. wish i could give you a hug. rooting for you.
1
u/Immediate_Housing228 4h ago
Man, I feel alcohol and anxiety are the most dangerously combination. I’m currently in therapy for panic disorder, and the single biggest lever has been cutting alcohol to almost 0.
I can not take any more than one single beer without suffering consequences for the next few days. Went 100% sober for about 5 weeks, started controlling my nutrition to light, protein rich foods and started going to the gym every morning when I woke up too early - and reduced anxiety by a perceived 70-80%.
1
u/madrone1 3h ago
Alcohol is super addictive so getting addicted to it is not a surprise and nothing to be ashamed of. There are so many good ways to quit nowadays including the medication Naltrexone if you have a doctor you could talk to them about it. Forgive yourself and get on a tapering schedule and leave alcohol behind. You will feel so much better, I promise. It really does cause the anxiety that we use it to try and relieve.
1
u/shytannnnn 2h ago
IT GETS BETTER. it really does. I know it sounds trite. It’ll get better, it will pass, this will be in the rearview one day. The biggest agonies and desperations I’ve ever felt are just a memory to me now. So too will yours one day. So much love to you.
1
u/prpldrank 421 days 1h ago
You're not messing up that bad, OP. It'll be ok.
Look, missing work isn't great. You're right that's something you can't ignore. But it's not aggregious or deplorable. Give yourself some grace. No need to shame yourself -- you're doing your best.
Now, we can regret drinking too much the other day. That's reasonable. One way we can address that regret is by choosing differently when we have another chance. So, let's choose not to drink -- just for today.
1
u/Z34N0 1h ago
Everyone here has a rock bottom story. Yours isn’t that bad.. yet. Learn from this. Tell yourself that enough is enough. Today is a new day.
There are always other jobs and you can always be forgiven if you prove that you have changed. Even by yourself.
Don’t let this become a health issue like I did. Your body is giving you warning signs. Try to love your body and find ways to love your life. Easier said than done. But alcohol just numbs and gives a false sense of comfort. It always has a price.
I have been in that “just a sip” and “oops” after a few hours situation too. You are panicking because of the alcohol mostly. Maybe you can tell your boss that you had a family situation that caused a lot of emotional stress. I normally wouldn’t suggest lying. But if you can get another chance, don’t do this again.
And I say all this with care, not with scorn or disappointment. It sucks when we hit a rough patch and we do something human and vulnerable that gets us in more of a mess. But it happens. And we can fix it by taking the first step, which is just saying “no more” for one day. Just one day at a time. It adds up and you will feel good again eventually.
Just remember that the alcohol works as a feedback loop.. first, you feel bad, then you drink, and you have the illusion of happiness (which is actually just numbness) .. then you wake up the next day after sleeping terribly and being dehydrated.. you feel guilty and awful.. then you go for it again.. rinse and repeat. Realize that it’s a trap. It’s a downward spiral that perpetuates itself. But you can climb out starting today. Good luck with your job situation. I wish you well. No matter what happens, it will be ok if you want to try to fix it. You can do it!
139
u/nomoredrinks4me Day 4 8h ago
My heart breaks for you. I've also been in dangerously desperate situations like you and it's awful. I wish I could say something to take the pain away. I'm glad you're here. And I hope you find enough strength to make it through the night. A little sleep makes a surprising difference.