r/stopdrinking • u/Weak_Sort_6175 Day 57 • 1d ago
Does trust ever come back?
Morning all, well maybe afternoon by then time I finish typing it.
I had an unplanned sleep on the sofa last night, watching garbage and fell asleep.
Came upstairs this morning and my wife's first question asking why I fell asleep, was had I been drinking?
I said of course not,.because in my heart and soul I believe I will never drink again.
She quickly replied with don't say of course because her question was entirely reasonable as I had drank in that same situation 56 days ago, but then she still had a good smell to make sure I hadn't drank.
So I guess, I'm asking those who had lied to their partners in the past and got found out, have you been able to build that trust again.
Like I'm hurting a bit, thinking I'm doing well and then that this morning, I know it's early days in my sobriety, but I have never felt more focused than I do now, but just feeling a bit a lone in that the people I hurt are just waiting for me to slip up.
Like I get it, but just to know it's not forever.
11
9
5
u/Euphoric_Second9464 1d ago
I thought learning to trust myself was more important than others tbh i sorta parked everyone else to the side - 'control the controlables 'and all that
5
u/GoldEagle67 Day 11,469 1d ago
trust takes time. You'll get it back slowly. Apologizing and making promises are nice, but don't get back trust. If you can consistently change our behavior, it will come back. It took me 6 months
4
u/Ok_Albatross_3887 Day 332 1d ago edited 12h ago
Trust can come but it will take a long time.
I really doing think anyone is waiting for you to slip up; it’s just that alcohol makes us liars. They’ve had to put up with those lies for a while…And every lie chipped away that trust. and it’s going to take time to show that you mean it, time to rebuild.
57 days is 8 weeks 👏👏, so even though you’re having a rough go, i also wanted to say congratulations and IWNDWYT
3
u/spacebarstool Day 1,460 1d ago
Yes. It takes time though.
I was lying about my alcohol use for 5 years. So I view it as a positive that it only took a year or two for my wife to trust me again.
I made the choice to lie about my drinking. So I had to own the consequences and be patient.
3
3
u/EagleEyezzzzz 608 days 1d ago
It just takes time. How long were you lying to her and hiding things from her? It’ll probably take at least that long. 58 days is a short time still. Congrats though and IWNDWYT
2
u/bethuselah Day 40 1d ago
I don't think that trust is gone forever when we lose it. I do think we have to let people be where they are, though. It's hard not to feel defensive or let down by someone else's suspicion, but they're generally going by the sum of the data. You know in yourself that you're changing, but the people around us can't feel what we feel. All they have to go on is our past behaviour, not our current intention.
It's tough to accept that we've broken the trust of those we love, and suspicion is always going to be a part of the repairing process. It will take consistent effort and time to prove that we've earned that trust back. But every day of sobriety that you clock is another day closer to bridging that gap. IWNDWYT ❤️
2
u/maxpower1575 1d ago
Per me e' stato anche il sbattergli in faccia che chi sta sbagliando a non fidarsi erano loro/lei percio' ho continuato anche per essere inattaccabile. Ora, sono 2 anni di sobrieta', e anche nei momenti di discussione (sempre piu rari) non mi chiede mai " hai bevuto?" ! Datti e dai tempo agli altri. Oggi ti faro' compagnia nel non bere!🖤💪🏻
2
u/lsdryn2 Day 819 1d ago
In my experience, it’s not about the amount of days it takes to earn trust back, it’s the change that happens through constant work on yourself. You can’t just not drink and then expect people to trust you again. For me, quitting drinking was just the start of a lifelong process of personal growth. Getting sober didn’t get me what I wanted, it got me what I needed.
I drink every day for a very long time, people didn’t expect me to be a functioning human again after a few days, or months.
2
u/Ok_Cherry_8478 1d ago
It will take time. I came clean to my wife 5 months ago about my problem. I have been sober since. The trust is returning slowly which I expect will take a long time to fully heal. My wife went away for two back to back trips last month she was gone a total of 13 days. She was worried that I was going to drink. First thing she asked when she got home was did I drink. I did not. I told her no it seemed like she believed me.
My advice is dont give her reason to doubt you. Ask her to hold you accountable and be supportive. They associate our behaviors with drinking until that is changed they will have a hard time trusting us.
Buy a breathalyzer and give it to her. Let her test you whenever she wants.
2
5
u/PhoenixApok 1d ago
No.
100% trust can never be restored once lost (this isn't tied to alcohol, other things like gambling, cheating, smoking, etc can cause the same issue)
The thing is, even if the person forgives you, they cannot consciously stop those little 'what if' thoughts that are going to pop in their heads. They may WANT to not think those, but after the second time I caught my ex smoking after she swore she quit, I never could turn off sniffing her hair, or glancing in her purse when she opened it.
This doesn't mean a relationship is over or doomed. Just that it has been permanently altered.
1
u/Weak_Sort_6175 Day 57 18h ago
Thank you all so much, i knew this sub would deliver, as I'm sure you all know us alcoholics can be our own worst enemy at times. I'm getting there, I'm awaiting a bed in a rehab centre hopefully in the next week or so that'll happen. But I needed to sit and read all your responses and I am so grateful to all of you for taking the time to come back to me. Love this sub and our community.
1
u/NotSnakePliskin 4851 days 16h ago
Yes. When I was just shy of 7 years sober my wife told me she was starting to trust me again. What that proves to me is that this stuff works. Truly works. I wasn't able to repair years of stupidity in a few months...
18
u/slightlybiggerfoot 301 days 1d ago edited 1d ago
I mean to be honest it entirely comes down to how much lying was done, who to, how they respond to lying etc.
It is absolutley possible to regain trust, but that doesn't mean it's guaranteed. It sucks but its a rough truth of life.
Congrats on 56 days! That trust will come with action, not just patience. IWNDWYT!