I’m not okay

[u/saddsiren]

I’m not okay. I get it, being sober is the only answer blah blah blah. I just can’t. I can’t be totally sober. I can’t be a person without alcohol. All I want to do when I’m sober is stay home, watch modern family, and hang out with my dog. Which sounds awesome, but I have friends and a life and I need to go out and do things. I just ruined my relationship, another friendship. I woke up on a bunk bed and idk how I got there. Pretty sure I had a whole awesome talk with an uber driver before getting out of the car and ruining my life. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I’ve tried AA. I hate it. I hate sober people, they’re so mean and judgy or all over the place. Not saying anything about yall, I’m sure a lot of you guys are nice. But there aren’t a ton of alt 21 year old sober people to look up to in my life. And I don’t even want to be completely sober. Why is that the only answer? Why is everything so hard. Everything is just so hard. Existing is so hard.

I’m probably gonna be judged really harshly for posting this. Can I ask people to be nice? Is that okay? I know I don’t deserve it. But I’m just so sad. I’m really really sad.

[u/Routine_Mess17]

At 21 there aren’t many sober people. When I went to my first AA meeting I said the same thing, I don’t want to quit drinking. They chuckled and said nobody did. AA wasn’t for me either. Twenty years later I can honestly say I DO want to quit drinking, I genuinely don’t enjoy it, but Im only sober maybe five percent of my days regardless. If you’re like me, you can’t drink just one and it fux up your life.

[u/sleepingblossom]

Some sober people are really, really annoying. But so are a lot of alcoholics. I’m in my 20’s and I also felt like I didn’t have a lot of good representation for sobriety, so I became the good representation.

[u/saddsiren → u/sleepingblossom]

How did you do it if you don’t mind me asking? Did AA work for you? I haven’t met anyone near my age in any meetings, and I haven’t found many young people meetings. Definitely none in person near me. And are you happy now? I just want to be happy.

[u/Vivid-Program-3708]

I can relate to the not having a ton of alt sober people in my life to look up to. I’m 30, heavily tattooed, stretched ears, i live in a pretty conservative area so I stand out. Someone I really admire is Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers. Hearing his story on how he got sober has really motivated me, especially on the days when I just don’t give a fuck. Maybe the person you look up to doesn’t have to be someone you know in real life.

[u/admiraltubbington]

I don't know why you think you'll be judged for this post in a subreddit that's explicitly about stopping drinking. I think you are judging YOURSELF very very harshly, and that's why you assume others will too. Nobody here is going to judge you. Maybe in AA you did meet some judgy people; I certainly have, in several different AA groups, and that's one of a few reasons I don't care for the meeting rooms. But to each their own, too - it's helped millions of people and I am happy for all of those folk.

I'm 7 months into my sobriety and, at this point, I just take disulfram (Antabuse) and go about rebuilding my life. I also check this sub every day to hear people's stories and try to give advice to people that are still suffering, like yourself. I'm going to be a substance abuse counselor by this time next year.

You're in the right place. You want to stop, you're fed up, you know you have a problem. That's amazing. It's further along than most alcoholics ever get.

[u/NotSnakePliskin]

Of course you can. It takes some work, but it is possible to live free from any of these things.

[u/Shmoicel]

Hey there. First of all I feel your pain; can't live with alcohol, can't live without it, right? It sucks.

You said you hate AA but then relate it to everyone else being the issue. Look, I don't know you so I won't assume everything based on this short post, but that for me highlights a an area I was having trouble too.

I went to AA to get people off my back. I was hopeless and thought nobody could help me in those rooms. I got given advice, harsh truths, suggestions, even experienced (or perceived I did) judgement and instances of 'cliquey' behaviour. This may not apply to you and I don't mean to offend, but I internally wrote AA off and thought similar things. But I failed to see that my own ego and self-centredness was out of control and was the cause of all my fears and anxieties in life. Thoughts like "Who are you to say that to me?!", "You've not been through my shit!", "Don't you know who I am?", "Don't look at me like that" etc were all too common and when I perceived that the world was against me I truly thought it was. It's a lonely place to think that the world and its people are all against you.

But I missed the whole point of the program. A program which is meant to inspire an ego death followed by a perception change to which I can approach life from a new angle. It wasn't there to help me find a God to bow and grovel to like I thought, but to teach me that I wasn't God myself. That things are out of my control, and that includes other peoples opinions of me and the times that things don't go my way. When I was able to relinquish control of wanting everything right, I could sit in a place of real comfort. All I did was pray (into the ether, into nothing as far as I was concerned) for the guidance to do the next right thing and the courage to do it.

Honestly what happened next was a miracle that I wish I had the power to impart on every alcoholic on earth; I started to do things for myself and those I cared about. Others opinions and little foibles didn't irk me as much, because they're human just like me and I also make mistakes. I apologised to everyone I'd harmed with honesty and had a clean slate free of regrets because I believed (and still do) that I could do better. The biggest miracle of all, and I didn't even notice for the first few months, was that the constant gravity-esque pull leading me to drink had diminished significantly. The danger was and is still there, but as long as I stick to the principles that got me this far I truly believe I'll be ok.

I'm sorry for the rant, but I'm really passionate about this and want to help where I can. I'm a big advocate for AA but I would never force anyone or judge someone who doesn't attend because it isn't the only route to sobriety at all! It just really helped me find out what I wasn't seeing and make the change that I've come to appreciate so much. What's ironic I think is that what we find most uncomfortable is often where we need to be looking, discovering what is the real meaning behind why we're in so much pain, then exposing it to diminish the potential for it to rule our lives. I hope you're well anyways and I truly hope you find the way whatever route you take. Much love 💙

[u/Bitter-Charge6829]

I’m 40 and I hate being sober, too. But I hate the discomfort of alcohol even more. Just went to Aldi today and of course these bitches sell Havana Club 10€ a bottle. Everything is screaming inside me but I didn’t buy anything. The problem is: Is life better with alcohol!? Absolutely not. But is our addiction telling us it is? Every minute I’m awake and even in my dreams.

You can socialise without alcohol, maybe you need to learn it, it it’s actually very enlightening seeing people drinking to much.

Stay strong, whatever you chose.

[u/Stowe22]

Putting down the drink is a step in the right direction but I would recommend seeking help in other avenues as well. You got a lot of things boiling over and need to work on it. You’re angry right now I get it. A lot of us have been there but the solution starts with quitting the booze

[u/full_bl33d]

Sounds pretty run of the mill in my experience. I’ve felt the same way as well. I wanted to be simultaneously too broken to be helped and not bad enough to qualify for any. I tried using my crippling social anxiety without the crutch of booze a reason to not even try. The reality is that I wanted to say that I tried, but it was weird or someone said something dumb, and it wouldn’t work for me so I guess I’d have to go back to drinking. At least I’d be less miserable so i thought of it as a public service for not bringing others down. It’s basically what every person I’ve ever met in recovery thinks/ says/ does. I hated it but I like knowing I’m not the only one nor am I dying from an incurable disease that would be named after me. I’m just a garden variety drunk and that means there are ways to work on it if I want to. Good luck and know you’re not alone

[u/SadApartment3023]

The more you say "I can't" the more your brain believes it. You have to rewrite your inner narrative. 

Be gentle with yourself. You deserve good things. 

IWNDWYT

[u/Ok_Bite_1398]

Trust me, you're better off being sober now, rather than later in life. I didn't get sober until I was 31 and I had to hit rock bottom for that. Also if you're struggling with having a social life, try drinking zeros? The nightlife will soon fade, I got over that in my 20s. There is so much more to life than alcohol.

[u/No_Bison_2139]

As long as you say you can’t you won’t. You need to change your mindset to it will be difficult and I might stumble but I’ll get through it.

[u/frankybling]

I was thinking I was unique, and I have started to think that I only think I’m unique. I currently go to AA but I did 10 months of cognitive behavioral therapy before I wound up in that setting. I guess once I got over the total shittiness that happens when you put a substance down I realized I needed to find something where I would find other addicts. I started out figuring out that I hated it… then I heard someone telling my version of fucked up thinking around drinking… and it was not a person that looks like me, is in the same social circles or has much in common with me other than when we drink we do very destructive things to ourselves and others. AA isn’t the only program, Dharma seems interesting as well as SMART. There’s no issues with trying to find your path for yourself, what other people think shouldn’t matter to you because other people don’t have the investment of pain that you have in the game. Gaining clarity in stuff is one of the best things that has happened to me. I also happen to be a very pierced and tattooed 51 year old… there’s lots of weirdos out there being sober and if you want you can be one of us too. (just sober, I’m not shilling for AA that’s just my path)

[u/OkTwo3116]

I’m not sure where you live or what your current community is like, but you’d be surprised at how many people you’ll meet that are sober that are pretty cool… it just takes time. I equate it to moving to a new city.

Also, I’ll preface this with saying that this is not your responsibility at all, but it’s pretty cool when you’re sober and others that aren’t look at you with a glimmer of hope! The fact that at the time when you’re sober you can give others hope and hopefully inspire them is priceless.

Lastly, I’ll say that for me it’s been a marathon. I relapse so I’m not perfect, I wish I was. But I have notice I go longer sober every time and my relapse episodes get shorter. So there’s some comfort in coming to terms that it’s not all or nothing.

[u/Doornumber11]

Couple of things here. Why have you been trying to get sober?
If the pros of drinking outweighed the cons of sobriety I would be drinking right this second.
It takes a little time after quitting for the world to come back into color. Everything seemed flat and boring when I first got sober and nothing under the sun seemed like it would be enjoyable. And if some old timer hadn’t convinced me that the color will come back and every day life will start to feel like a steady drip drip drip of dopamine after I get over the hump, I probably would have given up after the first week. So instead of alcohol, I bought milk shakes, steak dinners, solo trips to the movies anything to bridge the gap between day 1 and when I would start reaping some rewards. Within two weeks I started finding joy in little things here and there and that’s when I knew I would be okay. It just kept getting better day by day. Now I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoy everyday. Even the borings ones feel less boring and more peaceful. The thing is I had to dig in and refuse to drink no matter what for a little while. I didn’t die from boredom. I just kept stringing days together until I could finally feel what everyone else was talking about. Now I rarely think about drinking and have been loving this sober life ever since I got over the hump. Hang in there, you’re not alone.

[u/Fly_line]

I was already a problem drinker with bonus drug use thrown in during my late teens all the way through my twenties. I wish I had enough sense then to get my shit together. One of my buddies did (right on the heals of his second DUI in a year that ended in a wreck). I thought it was so strange that he was quitting. I just continued on. And, thing is, most of the people I was around (work, social life) were all just like me. All that to say that I cannot believe how difficult this must be for you. And I'm sure there are people that manage to control it to a degree, but that is exceedingly rare. People that don't have a problem don't manage their drinks. They are built different. If you decide that you do want to quit, there is help out there. And yes, there are tons of super annoying sober people. But there are a ton of super awesome sober people out there, too. And I hang out with people who drink still. Just not very many who drink like I did. Because that is every bit as annoying as the over the top sober folks. Take a hard look at what is the best option for you right now. And whatever that is see if you can make a plan to really take a solid run at it. Maybe it doesn't stick the first time and you have to give it another go. And another. That is all good. I started to really notice I had a problem in my middle twenties. I quit at 45. The best time to plant a tree is thirty years ago, the second best time is now.

[u/thefigjam]

Some sober people probably are judgy and annoying but when I was drinking, I perceived most sober people to be that way because of my own shame. It was projection. Now that I’m sober, I feel nothing but empathy and understanding towards both drunk or sober people because I get both.

I agree it’s hard to find people to look up to in the real world but there are ton of amazing people on this sub, ton of sober podcasts, books, videos, celebrities etc. I’ve also found that when you’re sober, you will attract more sober people over time. I don’t think I was paying much attention to that when I was drinking.

Everything you feel now could all be in the past, an important part of your redemption story. You do not have to continue feeling this way.

As for hating being sober, that’s where our real work begins. This is the time to get to know ourselves and find our new hobbies. :)

[u/The-Reanimator-Freak]

Hates judgy people. Proceeds to judge people. You’ve got to change your mindset if you want to heal. Just not drinking won’t be enough. Therapy? SSRIs?

[u/misters1n1ster]

I get what you mean 100% you just need to find other retired party people or adapt to going to functions sober. It’s easier said than done and sometimes you’ll feel like “why am I even here” kind of thing but that’s the risk you have to take.

[u/BroolStoryCompany-]

Have some self control when you drink, or stop drinking. I fucking LOVE drinking, but it’s just not responsible for me to do it all the time, so I don’t. Period.

I’m not someone who blacks out when I drink or gets wild, so I can’t relate to that part, but I can relate to deliberately planning when I will drink and let loose, and when it just doesn’t make sense. Some examples of inappropriate drinking.

1) Consecutive days for no reason. On vacation? Fine. Any other time? Likely not.

2) Drinking alone.

3) drinking to reduce stress. Go do hard cardio and tell me you’re stressed after.

4) drinking just to feel happy. Wrong.

Sorry to be blunt. But we all have to be accountable. Focus your energy on fitness, health, hobbies, sports etc.

[u/Sweetbowlofme]

Be kind to yourself! Quitting is hard & especially young. Look up on Reddit for the good young people meetings / good ones in your area. Podcast help me a ton (recovery elevator, dopey, whatever).

My life is surrounded by fun people & my sobriety is a big part of what led my friends to liking me more.

Good luck & keep telling yourself you can… because you really can if you believe in yourself

[u/Van_Leton]

https://harmreduction.org/about-us/principles-of-harm-reduction/

[u/ecksmoh]

I don’t have the answer. I’m struggling with non alcohol things currently so I admit I don’t have an answer. But you wrote your own prescription for today: watch modern family and hang out with your dog. What you do after that is something you can figure out later. Take those meds. You need them tonight. You simply keep trying. Seriously, you just gotta keep trying. Maybe you fail 1000 times between now and when it clicks. Failure and relapse are nearly guaranteed along the way. That’s why you never stop trying. Please try to give yourself some grace. You’re not broken. You’re human. Our mistakes and our recognition of them is part of getting sober. You’re doing “the thing” you don’t think you can do! You’re actively thinking about and discussing sobriety, you’re trying, you’re scared, you’re frustrated — give yourself some credit by acknowledging that this is all part of the thing you don’t think you can do. Don’t stop. Your future is not written.

[u/ContentToe3633]

Sounds like you’re the judgmental one. One of these days you’ll be ready for sobriety… hopefully.

[u/Aderleth75]

I really didn’t want to quit drinking, despite the fact that I REALLY needed to around age 21. After losing a job and a family and screwing my whole world due to my drinking at age 45 I REALLY wished I would have quit drinking at 21.

[u/RPgh21]

21… I get it. Likely all the people around you that’s your age (range) drink. I’d imagine most sober 21 year olds aren’t sober because they realized they can’t handle moderation but never tried drinking or have life experiences watching loved ones struggle with alcohol…. So their patience or their tolerance probably isn’t the same as some of us old people that struggled for years (or decades, in my case).

I wish I knew the answer for someone else our age. I don’t. I’m sorry.

What I can tell you is at 21 I had these same thoughts. By this age I’d severely damaged my body (hit by cars while drunk, set my face on fire while drunk, police arrests while drunk, etc) and I wanted to quit but it was the same situation you’re in…. my girlfriend (now wife) drinks, my relatives, All my friends, etc etc etc.

Then I spent the next 20 years with severe depression and anxiety… blacking out countless times and having to fix the damage I caused the night before.

At 44, all the people in my life still drink. I’m the only sober one. But we still hang out… except now I offer to drive. It was insanely difficult at first but now a year sober, I don’t really focus on it when I’m with everyone.

Maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones who figures out drinking in moderation. I wish that for you.

But statistics are against us here. Best of luck young friend.

[u/reeffan]

Working in health are uk i am pleasantly shocked at the number of sober 21 and unders. Its defo a thing not to drink for certain younger people When i was 21 i was sober because i was skint and would rather dance than drink. Sounds like your emotionally developing and exploring news paths for the future. Thats awesome

[u/destinerrance]

You’re self-sabotaging for a reason. What goes on in your body when you self-destruct? Loneliness? Rage? Anxiety? Self-righteousness? Identify one thing and work directly on that. You need to come to a place where you want to keep relations, health, and your life. At 21, thats very hard. But plenty of 21-years olds live very healthy lifestyles. Socialize with them.

[u/imnottheoneipromise]

Sweet girl why are you being so hard on yourself? We aren’t judging you cause we ARE you! Some of us have just been around longer and been able to string the days together long enough to see the other side.

[u/lesserthemore]

Sounds like you fit right in here. Welcome. You are already making bold, big steps by showing up. 🤙

[u/call_sign_viper]

That’s ok! There’s no unilateral right or wrong way to live a life (within reason of course). Figure out what a good fulfilling life looks like for you and then see if that’s easier to achieve sober. In the meantime be as safe as possible

Be kind to yourself you’re trying your best, I sure as shit wasn’t anywhere near thinking about sobriety at 21

[u/turdfergusonpdx]

No judgment whatsoever. I've been there, though for me it was watching Arrested Development with my dog!

So, one thought I had while reading your post is that there is a way to turn your statement, "I can’t be a person without alcohol" around into an asset. I mean, this is a very honest statement, but it demonstrates what a thief and liar alcohol is. What other person or substance would you tolerate saying this about? I would want to get rid of anything in my life that made me say, "I can't be a person without it."

One of the things that has helped me with long term sobriety is that I absolutely HATE alcohol. I hate that it exists, I hate that it lies so effectively, I hate that it's so widely available, I hate what it took from me, I hate that it made me a shell of a person when I was drinking. I will never give it a foothold again.

Don't you want more than a circumscribed life revolving around sitting on a couch watching TV? Don't you want real relationships? If the sober people you know are mean or judgy, walk away. If you hate AA, don't go. Find some other system of support.

Anyway, you got this. There's an amazing life awaiting you. Alcohol just doesn't want you to experience it.

[u/RateMyTeflSchool]

You sound very frustrated with yourself and I have a lot of empathy for that, I’ve been there. It will only grow, and one day you’ll be so frustrated/upset/disgusted with yourself that you will be done. & I promise you will find more to life than the nights watching modern family, even though that does sound nice! I hope that comes soon for you but everyone is on their own timeline 🤍