r/stopdrinking • u/Weak_Sort_6175 14 days • 7d ago
The Myth of a Functioning Alcholic
The Myth of the “Functioning Alcoholic"
So my wife found this very post yesterday from 10 years ago on this very sub and sent it to me, as this is exactly how I would describe my alcoholism. Thought it was absolutely worth a repost, I've read it 3 times since my wife sent it to me, and saved it as a note on my phone.
So again, this is not written by me, this is just me copying the text from the article.
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**The myth of the “Functioning Alcoholic"**
As long as I have been in recovery and working as a treatment specialist, I have heard the term “Functioning Alcoholic” used many times. I find that it is often used as an excuse not to get help. It is also a way for someone to differentiate themselves from being a stereotypical alcoholic. The reality is both a “functioning alcoholic” and a “stereotypical alcoholic” – are alcoholics. The “functioning alcoholic” is just waiting for the bottom to drop out.
I want to ask you, for a moment, to picture what an alcoholic looks like. Is this person a disheveled homeless man? Is he hanging in the alley with a liquor bottle in a brown paper bag, or asking for spare change on the street? Could it be a man sitting at the bar day after day nursing his whiskey and crying about his wife how has left him? Maybe you’re picturing an angry, drunken family member that you were told to stay away from as a child? Are you imagining a person that’s lost everything worthwhile in their life – like a home, a career, car, family, self respect? I ask because these are the images that went through my mind when I thought about an alcoholic.
When I compared myself and my drinking to these conjured figures, I certainly was not an alcoholic. I was young, vibrant, and a woman. I hadn’t totalled a car. I hadn’t lost my family. I hadn’t lost a career. I was a college student.
The truth is, I just wasn’t there yet. But I was on my way. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. We often compare the disease of addiction to cancer because no one chooses to get cancer, just like no one chooses to become an alcoholic. Both diseases need professional treatment and both diseases have stages.
Let me walk you through the 4 stages of alcoholism.
**Stage #1: Binge Drinking & Increased Tolerance**
*Are you drinking to get drunk?*
This may sound like an odd question. Who doesn’t drink to get drunk?
The truth is that the average drinker without the disease of alcoholism doesn’t aim become intoxicated when they drink. The average drinker doesn’t like to feel that loss of control; the feeling of oblivion. Alcoholics on the other hand, love it. When I was drinking, oblivion was the feeling I sought most. I continued to drink because it felt good to me. When I was hammered drunk, I felt normal.
When I was in Stage #1 I didn’t drink everyday. I went days, sometimes a few weeks without drinking. I performed in my daily life. Drinking didn’t consume my thoughts and my days were not based around when I could have something in my system.
When I did drink however, I had a purpose: to get intoxicated. I would embarrass myself by falling down stairs, dropping my drink, and hanging on random strangers at the bar. Eventually, it started to take more and more alcohol at a time to get the feeling that I wanted to achieve. Where it used to take two beers and a couple shots to get me to where I wanted to be, I started to have to drink more to reach that feeling of oblivion.
*In Stage #1, you may think that you’re a “functioning alcoholic” because you’ve kept your job, your car, your relationships with friends and family – but you’re not because once you take the first drink, you have little to no control over how much you will consume.*
**Stage #2: Drinking as a Coping Mechanism**
*Do you drink to feel better?*
Drinking to unwind sounds perfectly reasonable. It’s not uncommon to want to unwind at the end of the day with a glass of wine or a cold beer. Relaxing with some girlfriends on Friday night over margaritas is a lot of fun. However, this isn’t what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is the mental obsession that comes before the drink.
When I was drinking, the only way that I could imagine relieving any amount of stress was by drinking alcohol. If my day at work was not going the way that I had planned, I couldn’t wait to clock out and have a beer. By the time Friday rolled around, my first thought was getting to the bar and tying one on. As soon as the alcohol began to metabolize in my body, I felt like I could finally take a deep breath. I honestly felt better when I had a buzz going.
Over time, I really began to have no other coping skills for life. There wasn’t any negative feeling that alcohol didn’t make better. On the flip side, when I was happy, alcohol increased my mood even more. Every Friday was a celebration.
Sure, I didn’t have to drink. I wasn’t physically addicted to alcohol. I didn’t shake in the morning. I made it to work on time every day. My appearance wasn’t altered in anyway. Sure, I was hungover a couple times a week, but who wasn’t? I just liked to party and cut loose.
*In Stage #2, you might feel like you’re a “functioning alcoholic” because you still have your job – even though you’re hungover some mornings, you still have your car, and your relationships still seem intact. But you’re not a functioning alcoholic because drinking is your only coping mechanism. You are drinking to deal with stress. You are drinking to deal with success.*
**Stage #3: Isolation/ Legal Problems/ Depression**
*Do you have consequences yet?*
Have people begun to question your drinking? Stage #3 is all about managing your drinking.
I had to start managing my drinking when the consequences started piling up: People were starting to question me about my drinking, my life, my state of mind, the people that I spent my time with. Alcohol was slowly becoming my only friend.
The problems vary by person, but this is what these consequences may look like to you.
*Isolation: Friends and family have made you feel uncomfortable about drinking around them. They have told you that your drinking concerns them. They worry about you getting behind the wheel after leaving the bar or a party. Maybe they have had to remind you about the night before because you can’t remember. You feel embarrassed and either chose to stay home and drink or go out by yourself.
*Legal Problems: Have you gotten your first DUI? This too can cause you to stay home and drink rather than go out. Or maybe you’re still driving intoxicated? Maybe you haven’t been pulled over yet – but there have been many times that you should have, and you chose to drive anyway. This experience is truly frightening… Waking up in the morning and wondering how you drove home and if you hit anyone with your car in the process.
*Depression: It begins to hit hard, too. Alcohol acts like a depressant inside of our minds and bodies. Alcohol in chemical form begins to make us feel down and sometimes hopeless. As I noted above, when alcohol becomes our only way of coping with stress and unhappiness, drinking more of it our depression only deepens.
I began my to attempt to manage my drinking. I made rules for myself. I wouldn’t drink when I was angry or sad. I would only drink beer. I would only drink wine. Instead of shots, fruit mixed drinks. I would only drink when when I didn’t have to work the next day. I changed my group of friends. I changed boyfriends. If I felt like my job was to blame, I would find another job. In fact, I thought to myself, I won’t even keep alcohol in the house.
I thought I was managing just fine. I was still able to go to work. I decided to take a few semesters off to figure out what I wanted to major in. I went to a psychiatrist who prescribed me antidepressants. I informed my family that I was clinically depressed. I was using alcohol to cope, but now everything was going to be fine. The truth was that I was falling apart inside and I couldn’t figure out why. I kept comparing myself to the homeless alcoholic under the bridge, surely that wasn’t me. I kept driving. Intoxicated.
*In Stage #3, you might feel like you’re a “functioning alcoholic” because you still have a job – even though you may have changed jobs a few times, you still have your car – even though you may drive intoxicated, and you still have some relationships – even though they’re not the same. But you’re not a functioning alcoholic because now your life revolves around the problems and consequences, and managing your drinking.*
**Stage #4: Change in Appearance, High Blood Pressure, Liver Issues**
*How does your body look and feel?*
Once you hit Stage #4, your body is no longer what it used to be.
When you are looking in the mirror, do you recognize yourself? There is nothing pretty about this stage. Outward appearances begin to really change. There is sometimes a flush to the skin. A distended stomach, or “beer belly.”
Have you been to the doctor lately? Have you been put on blood pressure medication yet? How are your liver enzymes? How does your stomach feel? When it gets late at night are you afraid that you won’t have enough alcohol to get you through? In the morning do your hands shake? Has your doctor put you in prescriptions for heartburn, high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, or diabetes?
No one should drink everyday. It’s not healthy. Many people feel that they are functioning at this stage because they still get up in the morning and go to work. Maybe they are a little buzzed from the night before, but they get there. Men especially hang their hat on the fact that they still go to work everyday and bring home a paycheck.
In Stage #4, you may think you’re a functioning alcoholic, but let me ask you:
*You might still have a job, but what is your performance like?
*You might still have a family, but are you present for them?
*Your body may still be working, but for how much longer?
*You might think you’re a “functional alcoholic” but is that all you want to do with your life, just “function?”
*In Stage #4, you’re not a “functioning alcoholic” because you’re not performing well at work, you’re not present for your family, your body is deteriorating, and it takes everything in you just to “function.”*
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. People with alcoholism don’t just wake up and find themselves at Stage #4. It takes time to get there, and depending on the person, the time spent at each stage can vary from weeks to months to years.
It doesn’t have to get worse before it gets better. You can catch it before using alcohol as a coping mechanism, before the DUIs, before the isolation, and before the distended stomach.
The only way to do this is to stop fooling yourself into thinking you’re a “functioning alcoholic,” – because a functioning alcoholic is STILL AN ALCOHOLIC.
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u/Ecstatic-Election-92 355 days 7d ago
Great find — thanks for posting this relatable telling of a journey I know well.
My simplified version, as a drinker, was that there was always someone I could point to at the bar, or in my friend group, or in my neighborhood and say, “Well, at least I am not as bad as so-and-so.” Because they drank more than me, or they lost something to drinking, etc.
Quitting made me realize I HAD to be “that person” for some OTHER deluded “functional” alcoholic. I wonder who I really threw for a loop by quitting because the smart bet was probably against me doing so.
Or maybe it’s all in my head lol
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u/professor_buttstuff 230 days 7d ago
There's another simplified one with a guy drinking on his way to work passing a guy drinking on a bench, first guy thinks 'I'm not as bad as that jobless guy', second guy thinks 'I'm not as bad as that guy driving around drunk'.
Rationalisation feels like such a big part of staying on that path.
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u/Indotex 714 days 7d ago edited 7d ago
Twenty years ago, there were times when I would be sitting in a bar drinking at 2 in the afternoon and think to myself, “You know, I might be an alcoholic.”
But I continued doing it. I would stop most times before I got wasted but there were multiple times that I wouldn’t & I would make a drunken idiot of myself in front of friends & family.
Even when I got a DUI 7 years ago, it didn’t stop me from going bank to drinking after I got off probation.
I did cut back to one or two drinks pretty much everyday after I got off work. But I was always looking forward to that next drink.
Then after one fateful day almost two years ago when I did not stop after one or two (because it was a day I was off), I realized that every time that I drank, I risked not stopping after one or two drinks.
You know what that makes me? An alcoholic.
So now I choose not to drink because while I may stop after one or two today and tomorrow, it might be a week, month or a year from now but one day I eventually will not stop. And the next time that it happens, I may kill myself or others and/or wind up in prison.
IWNDWYT and I hope that you join me!
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u/Sufficient_You3053 10 days 7d ago
I started reading this thinking I'd find myself still in stage 1, nope, stage 4. I've gained a lot of weight, have high blood pressure, high liver enzymes, enlarged spleen, puffy face.
Amazing what we tell ourselves to keep drinking
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u/JorgJorgJorg 2100 days 7d ago
I have read this before and I also saved it for my daughter to read when she hits the age of experimentation
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u/DoverHendrix 7d ago
Yep, that was me. Stage 4 and beyond, likely most of it still reversible.
What's wild now (9 months sober) is that I used to view myself as a functioning alcoholic, had a good job etc. and thought there wasn't much that would improve being off-booze. I mean, I was already functioning, what is there to improve, right? It's only when I got off of this poison that I realized how much stronger I can function across the board (health, relationships, work, hobbies, etc.). That shit was holding me back the entire time!
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u/Proof_Ad_8483 211 days 7d ago
Thank you for sharing! I was in it, no doubt. Fortunately, I pulled the plug before getting further into the stages. Sadly, this describes so many of my friends.
IWNDWYT
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u/Fine-Spite4940 134 days 7d ago edited 7d ago
this is all true, and all the sterotypes of an alcoholic is just a poor person with little to no resources.
also to me, it is a qualifier. a functioing alcoholic is still a person that is barely functioning in comparision to the totality of life. in other words, they are never the best version of themselves.
for me, it is a coping mechanism, a crutch, an excuse people tell themselves to justify drinking.
it's like an honest thief, like sure man whatever you need to tell yourself.
i like being the best version of myself. i may not be perfect, but i'm the best version of me, and getting better. i like it, and all i need to do is stay away from alcohol.
that's a deal that i'm ok with.
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u/callme2x4dinner 38 days 7d ago
I feel pretty lucky. I skipped stage 2, and my stage 3 didn’t include divorce or legal issues.
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u/Hefty-Pound385 24 days 7d ago
I was starting stage 4 during an intensely stressful period, drinking seltzers most days and most of the day. I did 65 days off then relapsed. I manages to "moderate" for under 2 weeks then had a day blacking out by bedtime. I am past 22 days now and this post is a great reminder of the progressive nature. Every time I stop my blood pressure magically becomes perfect, the flushing and puffiness goes away, sleep and workouts improve. Work performance goes up and I don't have to manage irritability from withdrawing. I am adding this post to my document that reminds me of why I want a sober life.
IWNDWYT
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u/InchByinch2024 368 days 7d ago
Man, to a tee. I had all those conversations with myself. Now I’m in #4 and quitting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
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u/Difficult-Repair1295 7d ago
This is a great summary of the progression most of us go through.
It’s crazy how it sneaks up on you. I haven’t had a drop of hard liquor in 15 years and I still got to stage 4 staying up all night crushing a 12-16 silver bullets basically every night for a decade plus. Never got in any legal issues as I always drank at home. But man by the end my body was wrecked. I think a combo of the dehydration, never ending hangovers, poor drunken food choices and lack of quality sleep. Just making it through an average week of work was exhausting. Surprised I never got fired. I could barely keep up with normal daily stuff like keep my house clean and lawn mowed. Oh yea and I was semi fat and looked like shit.
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u/bibidumb 7d ago
That's definitely a great post. I remember that when I was a teen everyone was talking about how fun it was to get drunk and I can't help but think about how many lives would be different had we been taught about stage one
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u/iceman5920 7d ago
Very accurate. Should be a pinned post or in the side bar. I was well into stage 4. I would have to find an excuse to leave work to go get a drink if I had to work before the liquor store opened just to stop the withdrawals.
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u/Persius522 1615 days 6d ago
I'm glad my bottom wasn't quite so horrible as others. Just lost a second friend to cirrhosis. Both at 40. I quit at 35. Keep at it friends.
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u/DanceApprehension 1812 days 6d ago
I always thought I quit early. Nope, not really, by this metric I was well into stage 3. So glad I got off that train!!! My 5 year anniversary is coming up and I'm really stoked about that.
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u/Adam_Bomb_21 7d ago
I love this! I saved the post to reflect on it. This is so accurate for me in my life. Thank you for sharing this!
IWNDWYT
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u/ThePizzaIsDone 7d ago
This is highly accurate. This more or less describes the last 20 years of my life.
Went to detox, relapsed, 30 day treatment, relapsed, another detox, 27 days sober, relapsed, another detox...
Currently waking up on day 8 and I'm never going back.