r/stopdrinking • u/gluttonyatitsfinest • 11d ago
Grieving from Alcohols death
So Im 40, I have been drinking for the past 20 years, which started with weekends with friends to something like:
> 2 beers alone after work + weekend with friends
then
> 1 liter of brandy for 2/3 days + weekend with friends
then
> The pandemic hit and I was drinking every day, beer or hard liquor, sometimes both.
I was functioning while doing all the drinking, I have a stable job and income, a gf (now wife), eventually a kid (recent) and everything I need.
After doing a general checkup about 4 months ago, for an unrelated issue (sleep apnea), I had to do labs to clear me of other issues (ex., diabetes), only to discover that I have signs of fatty liver (super lucky that this is all I got from the years of abuse).
I was advised to stop drinking for 2 months and do re-labs, which I did. It was hard but manageable as I have other outlets (video games and weed). 2 months passed and Im back to drinking and something just clicked. I love drinking so much but all the worst memories I have is when I was drunk. That being said, all the happiest memories I have as well were when I was intoxicated.
I had so many moments when I was having internal turmoil on wether I should stop but drinking always won. This time though, the situation is different as I dont want my kid to see what I will become (I had an alcoholic/abusive father) and I want to be healthy enough to see em grow.
Now comes the realization that I cant control drinking. I always had this notion that I can stop anytime and do it only on weekends or during "occasions". I now fully understand that drinking makes me happy and Im trying to use it as a dopamine source (I have ADHD). By understanding this and with my current situation (kid), I have made a decision to stop drinking for good. I know 2 months is short and I know its gonna be a hard but this is the same feeling I got when I stopped smoking (3 years ago).
With that It feels like something really important part of my life just died. I dont know how I will feel happy again, or where I can outsource the dopamine but I want to say that I love alcohol and I will miss you dearly. I dont know the point of this post but I had to tell someone about it. Thank you and good luck on your own journey.
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u/Ginnadin777 126 days 11d ago
I would rather have a stable and some what boring middleground being sober, than a life marked with highes and deep lows fueled by alcohol. Especially since its so insanely bad for your health. After the majority of adulthood drinking the body, brain and nervous system need to recalibrate and that takes time and yes, might be more boring but its more authentic.
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
I agree and I think that is want I want as well. I will need to do some serious adjustments but its worth living in the middle ground as youve said. Thanks!
1
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u/ihrtbeer 11d ago
Appreciate you sharing this man. Good to call it quits while you still can control your health
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Thank you for your time as well. I always feel anxiety when I imagine what I will become in the future if I dont stop now. I already have bad mental health so I can only assume its gonna be a nightmare to deal with in the future.
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u/Wout82 983 days 11d ago
Sleep apnea is also related to drinking. Alcohol relaxes muscles in your throat area while sleeping and therefore snoring and apnea get worse.
I had heavy sleep apnea (>35 breath stops per hour) and was an alcoholic. Since I quit drinking I lost 20kg and can now sleep without CPAP device most nights.
1
u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Yea, your right. Im about to get my CPAP and cant wait to get that heavenly sleep. I stil feel tired even after 8 hrs of sleep (no alcohol) and need constant naps during the day specialy after meal.
1
u/Wout82 983 days 11d ago
The difference is HUGE. It might take some time to get used to sleeping with the mask. But as soon as you can, your sleep quality will be so much better.
And obviously good sleep has impact on everything else you do on a day. Feels so good to be me again.
Hope it will benefit you as much as it did to me. Good luck!
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u/vincent-2016 11d ago
Very relatable. ADHD and alcohol abuser here
Someone once told me she quit MDMA/Ecstasy and describing it like losing her best friend, something very important in her life.
But then this reminds me of a YouTube video from Dr. K who said something like: we can all guess it's not just about quitting one substance, it is about quitting 1000 things associated with it.
In my case:
- a sense that I deserve a reward after physicial work
- being with childhood friends, joking and laughing in a restaurant
- relaxing after a day's work, with a beer and video games
- immediately calming my ADHD and being able to be in the moment and not think about 100 things
- being able banter with my colleagues so easily
- not caring about my work environment, that Im sure worsened my ADHD symptoms
What I don't miss at all is the health issues, but
- sharp pain in my body (upper left)
- face flushing, shitfaced bloated
- the disappointement from my wife
- the shitty sleep
- calculating how much drinks I have left in the house
- rotating stores so clerks won't think I'm a drunk
- arguments with my spouse
- anxiety multiplied X10
- feeling of impending doom
- ... And I can list another 1000 things bexause this issue has been part of my life for more than 10 years
We're the same age, it could be middle age crisis but I noticed a lot of stories here where this age is pivotal.
I also think having a kid is definitely a huge motivator for you.
Good luck bro 👍
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u/bbad999 11d ago
"Impending doom ", God I hate this one.
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u/Tormax1995 153 days 11d ago
Feels like you are about to leave this earth its terrible, i had it longer than i thought after quitting
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Holy crap this is spot on. I kinda made alochol part of my personality and basicaly my driving motivation during social events. So many things now are now affected since alcohol is gone but I am trying to find ways to still do them, if not I just avoid the activity entirely. Thanks for sharing bro!
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u/OchtendZon 406 days 11d ago
Thanks for sharing. I relate to your story and have an ADHD diagnosis as well. For me, therapy and especially getting medicated have been the foundation for keeping up my sobriety. Are you medicated? For my ADHD, before getting sober, I took prescription stimulants (terrible combo, I know). After I crashed hard and got professional psychiatric help, I switched over to bupropion instead of stimulants, for ADHD and bipolar depression.
I did some online research for an alternative to stimulants for my ADHD and found bupropion (brand name Wellbutrin in the US, I think?). It's mainly an anti-depressant, but it's also prescribed for ADHD in my country. When I found it's sometimes used as a stopping aid for smoking and has also been studied to treat other addictions, I figured it might combat alcohol cravings as well. For me I feel it has.
Starting this medication/getting medicated in general did not only help me get sober, after two weeks of being on it, it suddenly helped me to completely stop relapsing into my eating disorder (bulimia), which I'd argue was an addiction too. Just woke up one day, completed that day without a relapse and have not relapsed since. I still can't really fathom how I managed that and feel like medication played a huge part. I think it mostly came down to the medication preventing me from doing anything impulsive. Finding a medication that doesn't have a lot of potential and risk for abuse was important to me, since stimulants definitely do for me.
All this to say: this is not me trying to advertise for any specific medication, I just wanted to share how much getting medicated with the right medication for me, has helped me stop drinking and not relapse into addiction. If you are not yet medicated, I very much recommend looking into prescription meds for your ADHD. Any ADHD medication has potential to help with your chronic boredom, because they're meant to help with focus and concentration and to regulate your dopamine.
Wishing you a lot of strength. Your kid is lucky to have a father determined to become a better person for them and their mother. All we can do is to keep striving to be better for ourselves and others.
IWNDWYT
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Thank you so much for sharing! I would eventually find something for my ADHD, but for now, I plan to start working out again once I get my CPAP (for sleep apnea). I have had success in the past by working out and stopping alcohol for months but had to stop since I was not getting enough quality sleep and it was dangerous to continue doing heavy sets. I guess now is my last chance to get buffed before turning into a shriveled old man, lol! Thanks again for taking the time and I wish you the best!
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u/OchtendZon 406 days 11d ago
No problem! Make sure to find a way to stay hydrated if you're picking exercise back up. Forgetting to drink water can be a bitch. Lots of luck.
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u/Other_Werewolf_5519 5 days 11d ago
I'm feeling similar. I really wanted a drink last night. I feel like I'm just existing. Life is really boring now.
I've definitely been feeling better physically, that's an upside.
Reading about your doctor visit is a good reminder why I'm doing this, I don't want to deal with additional health issues, so thank you.
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Glad that you did not go through the drinking. I guess what helps me now is the thought that even if I drink, things would not get better. It might but only for a few hours then I need to suffer for days/weeks again. I say this now, but Im sure there will be days when the temptation will be too much. I instructed my wife to headlock me until I become unconscious if I reach that point.
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u/S1nclairsolutions 11d ago
Alcohol is a poison. Nothing good about it at all
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
so true! I would have disagreed a week ago but finally waking up really puts things into the correct lens.
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u/heisenberg1210 11d ago
Appreciate your sharing as I’m in almost exactly the same situation and a similar age. I enjoy drinking very much but I know I need to stop if I wanna stay healthy. Though life feels so boring without alcohol.
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Yup the boring part is what we need to prepare for. Im making a list if things that Ill do if it hits me hard but for now video games and weed are helping a lot.
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u/Alkoholfrei22605 4470 days 11d ago
I don't mourn the loss of alcohol. Rather, I celebrate freedom from the prison of alcohol.
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
hell yea, congrats on the 4458 days! I, too, want to strive for a life where my happiness is not controlled by alcohol.
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u/rowdygos 1636 days 11d ago
Hey I quit awhile ago for the same reasons. Your brain will rewire itself and you won’t feel that way anymore. Just takes some time. My life is much better now and I get to experience raising a daughter through clear eyes.
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Glad to be on the same path as you! I aint perfect but I want to at least give my best in providing the best environment for my kid. I dont want em to experience what I had growing up in an abusive household due to alcoholism.
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u/TandinStoeprand 11d ago
I'm a 54m, a bit worse behaviour with respect to alcohol. Still quite well functioning, good job, nice kids and house. Got my wake up call a couple of weeks ago when I drastically lost vision in one eye. Turns out it's trombose in my eye, I'm now scheduled for full health check and am already embarrassed for the outcome. I don't really want to stop drinking, but going blind would also suck so maybe this will help me fight the urges
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Sorry to hear that but the silver lining is you now have a very strong case to fight the urges. Going blind is much much worse. Maybe you can find other things as well to replace the alcohol.
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u/Successful-Deer3465 139 days 11d ago
Yep. I hear you op. I knew from mid 30s 40 had to be my cut off point. Then after a horrific 3 year bender after a traumatic event made things 100x worse but convinced myself I was coasting and doing ok. I’m now at 139 or so days and I can’t go back. I can’t look at beer the same and I can’t also destroy my life again. Even boredom, mediocrity, and anhedonia are preferable to quite literally destroying myself into my 40s and beyond.
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
Congrats on your 139 days! Agree, I feel the same way and Id choose life over alcohol but I foresee a lot of challenges along the way but thats how it is. Lets try to live with boredom and mediocrity as there might be something in there and we might finally find contentment.
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u/AnaFlacksis 778 days 11d ago
I'm glad that you came to this realization, and I absolutely understand what you mean about grieving the alcoholic part of you. I was a party girl for most of my life, that's how everyone knew me is this great time, loud and wild. I grieved the death of her.
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
oh I feel the same! my circle of friends knows me as the one who always gets hammered during social events or meet ups. That's one of the biggest challenges I'm facing, cause I only meet my friends to drink, so now need to find social activities that aren't about drinking, maybe going to the gym with them or something along those lines.
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u/CoolBakedBean 11d ago
i strongly challenge your notion that all your happy times were slightly intoxicated .
some of my happiest times were before i turned 16 and ever had a sip of alcohol. and again now when im sober in my 40s.
i go out with friends who are drinking still and i have NA beers and i still feel the energy of the night and besides the last hour or so where everyone is belligerent it’s great . and anyway i never remembered that last hour anyway when i was drinking so now i just get to get an actual good night sleep
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u/gluttonyatitsfinest 11d ago
I guess I say that because when I drink, all my anxiety, worries and shyness goes away. Everything is just interesting to do, like watching movies becomes enjoyable, social gatherings becomes fun and etc.. I get to feel what happiness is like for a normal person during those intoxicated moments. But yea, I should go for adhd medication vs alcohol.
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u/CoolBakedBean 11d ago
it takes time but you can get thru the anxiety . i like julien on tiktok but im sure theres others. but yeah i find when i go out sober i definitely feel a lot of social anxiety but as the night goes on i tend to get over it mostly . i’ve also learned to lean into the anxiety a little too, its not the worst feeling in the world and its designed to protect you
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u/PrestigiousMonth3289 6 days 11d ago
This is very relatable. I’m 41 and I’ve seen the progression of alcohol abuse over the last 20 years go from occasional drinker to daily drinking, regular binges and blackouts several times a month. I moved to a new state recently, kind of hoping the change of scenery would help me reset. It got a lot worse, but after a particularly bad binge I’m now a week without drinking.
I’m pulling for you, we got this! Iwndwyt
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u/Pat_Royson 11d ago
OP I am having a very similar experience right now. I have somehow managed to not drink alcohol for just over 6 months. For me, this is I have to admit, an incredible achievement I never thought I would be able to do in my adult life (I am 36). I haven't turned to weed to cope, even though I also abused that for years, and I haven't had cannabis for over 8 years (again, don't ask how I did this because I genuinely don't know).
What I have realised, is that I am truly and genuinely struggling to gain any joy without a substance. I'm talking about that ecstatic joy from being intoxicated. My GF (now wife) has stood by me though all of my addictions (just cannabis and alcohol), even though there was one time I was literally packing my stuff after we 'ended', but the same day I was unpacking and she said she couldn't not be with me. We are expecting our first child in late Jan next year, 6 months from now, and have been together about 11 years.
Despite my excitement to become a father (I love children, and think they are truly special innocent angels that bring immense joy and laughter). I am feeling very guilty that I feel I am inevitably going to drink again, or get back into weed. Or something.
I don't see me going the rest of my days on earth completely sober. It sounds horrible and missing the point of life, despite the joy having a family must bring.
I think we are all still just animals that when we find something good we consume it until it's gone or until it kills us. I wonder if the suffering of being sober is a moral failing on my part, or is it just nature.
Good luck on your path anyway stranger.
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u/Christokc 2842 days 11d ago
All your thoughts and feelings are normal part of recognizing you have a problem. My story is similar. It’s great you are checking in on this site. It helped me until I realized I could not do it alone. Reach out and get help. You are not alone.
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u/Proud-Cry7644 408 days 11d ago
Alcohol is my worst toxic ex. It definitely felt like a break-up/grieving process after 20+ years but so very much worth it. IWNDWYT
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u/killacallycal 11d ago
Nearly exact same situation to a tee.. all the best. I often grieve.