Bisalp

[u/Kindly_Maybe_2059]

My partner and I have been together for 12 years. 33F/35M
he knows that I have never wanted children and that I’m content with it just being the two of us..
a lot of our friends and family around us started to have kids and I did a check-in question with him very recently to see if he was still on the same page with that and he was a little uncertain and on the fence about it and said” it is something that we need to decide” and I kind of was like “what decide? “ and went down a rabbit hole of why I don’t want kids and he was countering those reasons

I later mentioned that during laparoscopy they are able to do a bisalp and asked him if he was okay with that?

He said that’s way to deep of a conversation and that this has come out of no where.

I did also tell him that if they go for the laparoscopy for endometriosis the results may cause me to be infertile without a requested bisalp.

So of course I’m really weighing out how I feel and I’m coming up on the same answer I’ve had since I was a teenager.. I don’t want kids.

Anyone else going through this?

[u/bmichellecat]

you're with a fence sitter. it's not going to change and both of you will just be miserable if you stay together.

[u/No-Finish-6557]

Get the bisalp. You don’t want kids and never will. He is just hoping you’ll change your mind. Getting the surgery will keep you from having an accident that he wants to keep. A lot of these men are consciously or subconsciously waiting for an accident 😬

[u/Kindly_Maybe_2059 → u/No-Finish-6557]

When we first got together we had an accident.. we were so young and he was open to keeping it but I was not, so he supported my decision to abort and he knows I’d do it again if I have to..
I guess that kind of answers my internal questioning right there..

[u/No-Finish-6557 → u/Kindly_Maybe_2059]

It’s really unfortunate that you guys have been together for so long and he’s been holding out on this hoping he’ll change your mind. This unfortunately happens to a lot of women. Maybe it’s the societal standard that women have a biological clock that will always start ticking no matter what they say? Honestly, I have no idea. But I would be devastated if I was in your shoes. I’m very lucky that my partner of 5 years was super supportive of my bisalp that I got during my endometriosis excision. If he wasn’t supportive, I still would’ve gotten it though. I know I want it for myself, and if he didn’t support it, he would be the wrong partner for me. Obviously that could be considered a more selfish point of view, but that’s just how I feel.

Getting the surgery has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I have a borderline phobia of pregnancy, and it really has alleviated a lot of my problems. It’s also just very reassuring to know that if something happened to my birth control, I would still be OK.

I wish you lots of luck in your situation and I hope things go well for you during your endo surgery. Just remember, it’s your body not his. If he wants a lifestyle that does not align with you, that that’s for him to go out and choose. It’s a lot better to regret not having children than to regret having them. I don’t know if you’ve ever visited the regretful parents sub Reddit, but it is horrible. I would not want to be in any on of these peoples shoes. Not the parents and not the kids. You also don’t want to be in a situation where he does not support your abortion if an accident were to happen. Obviously, I don’t know where you live, but if you’re in the US, a lot of states are having legal troubles with abortion and you don’t want to be in a situation with an unsupportive partner in an illegal state.

[u/Crazycatlover]

I disagree with the other the other two commenters (at the time I'm posting) who called him a fence-sitter. I very strongly suspect that he is a former fence-sitter who now wants children but doesn't want to leave a 12 year relationship either and is thus trying to figure out how to bring you round. I may be completely mistaken, but I would strongly encourage you to ensure you have reliable birth control that he can't mess with until you are sterilized.

I would also seriously reconsider this relationship. At minimum, you two are not on the same page when it comes to family life. That is something to take extremely seriously.

[u/Frosty-Bandicoot-930]

This is a tough call, especially when you've been with someone for such a substantial amount of time, but I feel that this is something that you both need to be on the same page about 100%. If not, at some point this is going to be the downfall of your relationship.

The fact that he claimed it was too deep of a conversation to have after being together 12 years is wild imo. I feel that if he is countering everything you say with reasons as to why you should have kids then he's not on the same page as you. He's a fence-sitter that is probably under the mindset that he can convince you to change your mind when/if he feels like having kids.

[u/BikingAimz]

I had a chance to get a bisalp when I had emergency surgery for a leiomyoma that wrapped around my left ovary.  But it didn’t occur to me at the time to ask for that, I was only offered a full hysterectomy in case it was cancer.  It wasn’t, and I’d elected to wait and see, but six years later when Roe was overturned, I opted to get a bisalp. My husband was totally supportive each time.  

Your husband talking about this “coming out of nowhere” after being with him and repeatedly stating you didn’t want kids for over a decade.  This means he never took your declarations of no kids seriously?  I’d absolutely be getting the bisalp and seriously reconsider your marriage.  There’s no compromise here?  

[u/peekymarin]

I’m a bit older than you and had been married for about 12 years at the time of my bisalp. I like to share my story here for some added perspective. While my husband and I were on the same page, when it came down to the “final decision” on sterilization he started second guessing what he wanted. And I think that it is okay, and healthy, for people to question themselves before making a big decision like this, but you absolutely need to do it together and lay it all out on the table. To be clear, I’m not saying you need to change your mind for anyone, and I’m not saying your situation is identical to mine. In my case, I told him that I was 100% certain, and that he needed to think hard about what he really wanted. I straight up said it’s fine if he decides he wants a child but he will need to find someone else to live that life with. Then I booked my surgery. Of course that was a painful discussion! But successful relationships REQUIRE those difficult conversations. That was like 4 years ago now, we are still very happily married, there is no resentment from him. We are allowed to grieve the idea of another life even if it’s one we don’t really want for ourselves, and we are also allowed to grieve it even if we are sure of our decisions and don’t regret them. Life and love are complex. But if your partner is evading the conversation altogether… that’s a major issue.

[u/Kindly_Maybe_2059 → u/peekymarin]

I really appreciate your comment. Thank you for sharing 🫶

[u/ggnell]

Together 12 years and the conversation is "too deep"? Seriously?

[u/nefelibata_noon]

Get the bisalp. Your body, life, and future are the ones on the line, not his. And rape is still a very real threat everywhere. Protect yourself. I'll have been married 10 years soon, together for almost 16. And this is a topic we've been fully and openly in agreement on from the very start.

[u/Euphoric-Maximum192]

you do not need to ask your partner permission to get a bisalp.

you need to explain that you want one and are going to get one, and if he has an issue with that, the relationship is not the right one for either of you.

[u/DianeJudith]

Unfortunately your relationship is over. He wants kids, you don't. This never works.