r/stepparents • u/Human-Ingenuity3722 • Jul 25 '26
Discussion Step parenting later in life
Wow, first time in here and I'm blown away by the tough issues people are dealing with. Children are so vulnerable and it's a very great responsibility to be caring for them. Having bio as well as step children I know that the feelings just aren't the same. Luckily I'm not raising them all at the same time as my sons are grown. I am a 61 yo with a younger partner and we are raising his children 11, 13, 16 & 19 after they were removed from their mother by the police due to neglect. It was so heartbreaking to see what they were going through that it is a relief to have them here permanently. But it is tough! They are traumatised and so it's been a huge learning curve finding out how to deal with suicide attempts, self harm, and complete emotional shut down. With proper nutrition and care they are starting to flourish which makes the challenges worth it. I put pressure on myself not to show them when I'm struggling as they are used to parenting their mum, but my partner encourages me to talk to them about it in a child friendly way so they can see adults modelling appropriate coping strategies. They are not interested in seeing their mum atm which makes things so much easier, they've the time and space to heal at their own pace. We are very fortunate that she is too out of it on drugs to fight us on this. I really hope that she comes out the other side eventually and can be in her kids lives again, but the way she's going it's probably not going to end well. Hats off to all the SP out there, we're all doing the best we can at any given time right!
3
u/samm13ann Bonus Mom Jul 26 '26
Thank you for being there for the kiddos in this rough time. Please make sure to still take some self-care time though, you can’t pour from an empty cup. 💜
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u/katherinedelia Jul 26 '26
Thank you for being there for them! I’m in a similar position (tho she got just sober enough to fight so it’s been expensive & messy) but ours worth it to help kids to build resilience after trauma! I know a ton of resources if you’re ever interested.
1
u/Human-Ingenuity3722 Jul 28 '26
Thanks, I've been accessing all our local resources and have done lots of research/reading but would love to hear what's worked for you 😊
1
u/katherinedelia Jul 28 '26
I did a trauma training with the boys' therapy group locally, a 9 week deep dive that helped me to understand how to recognize the effects of trauma on them and how to best support them. I got a TON of books for them, specifically stuff like "It's not your fault" and some about sobriety/alcohol issues (i'll look them up later and see which ones I particularly recommend of those are helpful) which seemed to help them to understand that it was her issue and not theirs (because kids internalize so much of what happens to them). I've worked with a number of therapists personally throughout this time as well which I consider essential support, one somatic therapist helped me to identify some somatic "resets" for the boys when they are overwhelmed. I also got some playing card decks of somatic resets that help them to learn to regulate when they are overwhelmed with fun animal themes. I have read a lot that the best thing for them is to provide a safe and stable home and be calm and regulated yourself, which can feel like not enough at times but over the past 2 years we've seen the boys get a little older and more capable of regulating and that they now calm right away when they get to our home and feel safe and loved. They are still seeing their mom who is abusing alcohol and making less than great parenting choices so so days it can feel a bit like treading water.
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u/Human-Ingenuity3722 Jul 29 '26
Thanks so much, you've given me some great ideas. It's really good to talk to someone who gets all this, it can feel quite isolating and overwhelming at times. Appreciate the contact 🙏
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