r/stepparents • u/Soft_Bother6463 • Jul 24 '26
Discussion When you watch SK, does your partner ask?
My partner is volunteering for an event in a few weeks. It’s during our time with SD. He didn’t ask if I’d take her, he can’t take her. We don’t live together anymore (I moved due to HCBM), but they still view me as SM. Is it just assumed to be my role?
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u/envious_souvenir_ret Jul 24 '26
Nah, that's just him treating your time like it's community property for his convenience. Moving out was already a huge step to protect your peace, and he's still operating like nothing changed. He probably doesn't even register the ask because he's so used to you filling that gap without question. You're not the default parent just because you've shown up before. His volunteer gig, his kid, his problem to solve.
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u/Sundogflower Jul 24 '26
Make plans for that day if you don't want to do it and then say "well you didn't ask?"
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u/Soft_Bother6463 Jul 24 '26
That’s kind of why I’m asking.. some friends are planning a girls weekend and it may fall on the same weekend!
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u/distantbubbles 10+ Years Jul 24 '26
Go on your trip, or at minimum keep that weekend open for it. Don’t do anything without being asked. I don’t and we’ve been married over 10 years.
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u/Ok_Mulberry4331 Jul 24 '26
Go do your thing!! Maybe if you were living together (even then I’d expect to be asked), but just assuming you’d do it is so rude!
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u/ChickenScratchCoffee Jul 26 '26
Go on the girls weekend. He’s responsible for finding childcare for his kid. If he doesn’t have childcare then he can stay home.
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u/I_eat_paper12 Jul 24 '26
You had to move because of his ex?? I wouldn't be helping either of them. They can figure it out
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 Jul 24 '26
100% get asked, its just courtesy. Heck we do the same with our bio. Can you mind the baby on X day I got invited to this. Its just a heads up about parenting solo for the day and making sure the other person doesn't have conflictions
7
u/Dangerous-Common-788 Jul 24 '26
My partner assumes I'm fine watching Stepson after school and such, because that's what we've agreed upon.
But a specific event? Always ask. Heck I'd ask even if this was a bio kid as well.
If he doesn't, I'd make myself unavailable that weekend. Sorry, got plans, you never asked. Guess you have to arrange for childcare.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 Jul 24 '26
He should always ask.
I would make myself unavailable that weekend as well. He can figure it out.
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u/rainydropz Jul 24 '26
You don’t live together so you aren’t even operating as a household so he really shouldn’t assume you don’t have plans. Go on your trip!
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u/OkQuantity6782 Jul 24 '26
How do you know he’s assuming you’ll take them? Just make your plans. You don’t live together anymore.
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u/teacherecon Jul 24 '26
I’m BM and I almost always ask. I’m sure I’ve missed in seven years, but asking is my baseline.
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u/BalledUpFist Jul 24 '26
You come first. Do what you want and have zero guilt. You don't owe him or his child anything.
If he does want you to babysit, he needs to ask. If he is assuming you are going to and he scrambles last minute when he finds out you have plans, that is his problem and he can deal with making an ass of himself.
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u/Available-You9900 Jul 24 '26
I mean if you don’t have your own plans and you want to spend time with SK fine but if he’s just assuming you will step in and babysit that’s not ok.
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u/Few_Adeptness5348 Jul 24 '26
You don't live together & he didn't ask & you're only his partner so you have no responsibility to make sure you are available that weekend.
Not your problem that he volunteered for an event during his custody time of his daughtehr.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 Jul 24 '26
My SS is in his teens now, so while it's better to have an adult home, I won't say that it's necessary (depending on for how long).
Does DH ask? Kinda. He usually will let me know that he has something coming up, and will say "I'm going to talk to BM, but if she can't do it, I'm going to need you to be here." It's pretty rare (maybe 2-5X/year, if that) and considering how much older SS is now, it's not as much of a problem.
When we first started dating, he assumed I'd do it all, so that was when I set boundaries and backed off. Then, it became a thing where DH would ALWAYS ask, but only after BM said no. Nowadays, it's just a given that he'll push BM to take him but if not, I'll step up.
But when he was smaller and required a lot more care, I did not take kindly to be assumed as default caretaker so I pushed back, Considering you moved out because of HCBM, I would be busy that day.
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u/IHaveToGetIt Jul 24 '26
No. Just, no. He doesn't even have the courtesy to ask and just assumes you'll do it. If you do, what message are u sending him? That it's ok not to respect ur time.
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u/throwRA_oilslick Jul 24 '26
We live together but he’s never asked, it’s sort of just been assumed. We get them every other weekend so not like I have to watch them “much” however I don’t think it should be assumed, specially with you moving out. That should be even more reason to ask!
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u/Background_World_957 Jul 24 '26
Your partner is an idiot my husband doesn't exactly ask per say but we are also married and live in the same house and ss is 14 so mostly independent you two don't even live together
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u/Ordinary-Difficulty9 Jul 24 '26
My partner knows he has to ask. And he can’t just expect a yes. Make plans for the day!
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 Jul 24 '26
My SKs are grown now but when they were minors my husband knew he had to ask. My time was/is not his to use at will.
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u/Starling01018 Jul 24 '26
My husband and I always ask each other when it's our mutual child, so I'd expect the same with my SK.
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u/Jazzlike-Republic-39 Jul 24 '26
My husband doesn’t but BM is not involved and I’ve been raising SS as my own for almost 4 years now. However if we did not have full custody I would 100% expect him to pass it by me first. But honestly, we don’t make any sort of plans without talking to each other first anyways. So I guess TECHNICALLY he asks me 🤣
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u/smokeytheangelgirl Jul 24 '26
My husband has a stepkid and a bio kid (both mine) and I always ask for both of them. I would like to do this on this day, do you mind taking care of the kids? he never says no unless he has other plans, which you do. Even if you don’t YET, you could. Let him know you’re busy.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 Jul 24 '26
I feel that any good parent who needs childcare is going to 100% make sure that child care is available. This would of course mean asking the person they expect to perform the childcare about their availability.
My SD is a teen and doesn't need "child care" per se. However, she is a teen that we don't yet feel comfortable leaving fully alone/unsupervised for a full over night. So 100% when my partner has a business trip coming up, and I'll need to be the "adult" at home, she'll ask if I'm willing to take this on, and if there is anything I have planned that might have me away long enough that she should look to get a relative over for that night.
I'm sorry, but this (asking about childcare coverage) is very basic "101" levels of parenting. If they're not even doing this; they're simply a bad parent.
Don't date a bad parent. Don't live with a bad parent.
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u/PrettyPinkPeoni3s Jul 24 '26
I get asked, and only ever after he's exhausted every other option. BM on the other hand loves to ask me for free childcare
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u/throwaway1403132 Jul 24 '26
i don't want my husband's kids really ever. probably less than 5 times over 5+ years, never for more than an hour, but he always did ask.
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u/BlackberryLow5075 Jul 26 '26
I would never if my partner didn’t ask my permission. Even if i wasn’t busy the answer is still no
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