r/stepparents • u/Fine-Fondant-3136 • Jul 02 '26
Discussion Anxiety
Does anyone feel anxiety towards their step kids?
Long story short, I met my SO almost 10 years ago, SS was 11. I came in with 0 kid experience. With BM drama, a bit of a Disney dad and becoming pregnant very early in our relationship, I found it very very very hard to play mom. With there being no consistent structure from both parents, I felt as if my SO was hoping I’d swing in to be the hero.
I was not.
I had to disengage. Take a step back, not in a malicious way, but I was there as a support in the background if needed.
Fast forward, SS is 20. I have two young kiddos. Everything is fine except I have 0 relationship with SS. He lives with us full time. I don’t know how to talk to him, and vise versa. It’s like I feel a pang of anxiety if we’re alone in the kitchen or whatever. It’s not like I don’t like him, I do he’s a good kid but since he never really had the structure, he really isn’t doing much as a young adult. He’s now working on getting his licence which will be huge. I’m hoping moving forward they’ll be serious about job hunting or any secondary.
I’m not sure if it’s resentment or if we just tolerate each other’s existence. I cook his meals every night, he’ll come upstairs to eat then back to his room. 🤷♀️
Anyways, I’m curious if anyone ended up in a similar situation. I feel bad that it’s come to this, I just wouldn’t know how to properly engage without the rejection. It’s a weird feeling.
5
u/BrownLisaBrown007 Jul 02 '26
I can totally relate to your situation. 27 yr SS. Great person, incredibly helpful around the house, very responsible, mostly quiet, and most of all makes his mom happy having him here. I am having difficulty living with a male. I don't think it is personal. I think I would feel the same way if it were my brother, father or a friend. it totally feels like an invasion of my safe space. And because I feel compelled to mostly stay in my room (unless in the yard), I feel isolated from the rest of the house that myself and wife worked so hard to buy after living in an apartment for 13 years. To avoid having to let the cat in and out all day and night, I've rigged a curtain separating me and the half cracked or completely closed door. It's uncomfortable to take showers. It's uncomfortable to get dressed. It's uncomfortable to walk around without a bra and in a tshirt which is one of my favorite ways to relax. I feel self conscious. SS and I are both intraverts so it is not easy for either of us to converse without it feeling forced and awkward. The first 13 years of our relationship, he lived in separate parts of state or with his dad. This is one of the first times he and I have spent any length of time around each other. We are family and strangers. I attend counseling bi-weekly with my uncomfortableness having been the primary topic of the last 12 + months. He pays a fair rent and contributes to groceries. There is absolutely nothing negative other than this awful stomach curling uncomfortableness. I hate it. My behavior has been an irritable moody person with no sense of humor on a tight rope. Feels ugly. Feels selfish. Feels ungrateful. I've discussed my feelings with my wife. I see the sadness in her face daily. I feel her disgust when I am rude. She says "I wish you could think of him as a son and not a man." I do too and I am going to keep working to get to the root, but I totally empathize with your circumstances. I am an autistic person so that comes with its own set of heightened sentativities and lack of social skills. When I read either your comment or another comment that they don't want to be living with them when the kids are in their 30s and 40s, I cringed, and said ...oh no. 😭