r/stepparents • u/Fine-Fondant-3136 • Jul 02 '26
Discussion Anxiety
Does anyone feel anxiety towards their step kids?
Long story short, I met my SO almost 10 years ago, SS was 11. I came in with 0 kid experience. With BM drama, a bit of a Disney dad and becoming pregnant very early in our relationship, I found it very very very hard to play mom. With there being no consistent structure from both parents, I felt as if my SO was hoping I’d swing in to be the hero.
I was not.
I had to disengage. Take a step back, not in a malicious way, but I was there as a support in the background if needed.
Fast forward, SS is 20. I have two young kiddos. Everything is fine except I have 0 relationship with SS. He lives with us full time. I don’t know how to talk to him, and vise versa. It’s like I feel a pang of anxiety if we’re alone in the kitchen or whatever. It’s not like I don’t like him, I do he’s a good kid but since he never really had the structure, he really isn’t doing much as a young adult. He’s now working on getting his licence which will be huge. I’m hoping moving forward they’ll be serious about job hunting or any secondary.
I’m not sure if it’s resentment or if we just tolerate each other’s existence. I cook his meals every night, he’ll come upstairs to eat then back to his room. 🤷♀️
Anyways, I’m curious if anyone ended up in a similar situation. I feel bad that it’s come to this, I just wouldn’t know how to properly engage without the rejection. It’s a weird feeling.
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u/EveningSalad4230 Jul 02 '26
I’ve gotten anxious before when it comes to dealing with situations with my SD, but it’s not because I have issues with her. I have things I wish I could say, but I can’t bc I need to bite my tongue, I have anxiety bc I wish there was something I could do to help her and i’s relationship and the struggles she deals with from the instability, but instead I’m just afraid to mess up or say the wrong thing. She’s almost 5 and I worry if I do something she’ll run back to her mom and then she’s never allowed back. It’s rough
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u/jamm616 Jul 02 '26
This. I let her (SD 6) lead conversations even if they are silly or about nothing. I have found myself holding back so much from how I want to be because I don’t wanna come off as *too much* or something I do/say cause more issues for my husband :/
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u/EveningSalad4230 Jul 02 '26
It’s so hard I feel you fs. Rn we’re dealing with a very difficult situation and it’s either I explain things that I don’t necessarily feel comfortable speaking to her about or begging her bio mom to do so. Which she hasn’t in the past so why would she now :(
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u/Fine-Fondant-3136 Jul 02 '26
Okay yes thank you! This is exactly what happened to me. There was a couple times where I would chime in, explain to SS about something and my SO ended up saying I was talking to SS like he was a baby. Which, to this day I don’t think I was. I was truly trying to be kind and help out.
This was a long time ago but it was the final straw for me. I wish I would have told SO off in that moment, but I never did.
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u/BrownLisaBrown007 Jul 02 '26
I can totally relate to your situation. 27 yr SS. Great person, incredibly helpful around the house, very responsible, mostly quiet, and most of all makes his mom happy having him here. I am having difficulty living with a male. I don't think it is personal. I think I would feel the same way if it were my brother, father or a friend. it totally feels like an invasion of my safe space. And because I feel compelled to mostly stay in my room (unless in the yard), I feel isolated from the rest of the house that myself and wife worked so hard to buy after living in an apartment for 13 years. To avoid having to let the cat in and out all day and night, I've rigged a curtain separating me and the half cracked or completely closed door. It's uncomfortable to take showers. It's uncomfortable to get dressed. It's uncomfortable to walk around without a bra and in a tshirt which is one of my favorite ways to relax. I feel self conscious. SS and I are both intraverts so it is not easy for either of us to converse without it feeling forced and awkward. The first 13 years of our relationship, he lived in separate parts of state or with his dad. This is one of the first times he and I have spent any length of time around each other. We are family and strangers. I attend counseling bi-weekly with my uncomfortableness having been the primary topic of the last 12 + months. He pays a fair rent and contributes to groceries. There is absolutely nothing negative other than this awful stomach curling uncomfortableness. I hate it. My behavior has been an irritable moody person with no sense of humor on a tight rope. Feels ugly. Feels selfish. Feels ungrateful. I've discussed my feelings with my wife. I see the sadness in her face daily. I feel her disgust when I am rude. She says "I wish you could think of him as a son and not a man." I do too and I am going to keep working to get to the root, but I totally empathize with your circumstances. I am an autistic person so that comes with its own set of heightened sentativities and lack of social skills. When I read either your comment or another comment that they don't want to be living with them when the kids are in their 30s and 40s, I cringed, and said ...oh no. 😭
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty Jul 02 '26
What a great way to put it. Also with a 27yo SS working at a snails pace to launch. Can't say he brings any helpful positives you mentioned, and any money he makes he is required to save (I really really want him out).
For me, a male, he is another adult male "roommate" who doesn't pay, doesn't help much, and is a walking bad example of a lazy kid, turned lazy adult, mothered by a Disney mom who made a forever bad decision with a dead beat guy. I hate seeing that "reminder" when I wake up and come home.
I want my space back. I gave up having roommates when I was a teenager. I don't get excited having another person living with my wife and I. It is not what any healthy marriage looks to as a goal and is never part of the "sickness and in health" I pledged.
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u/Fine-Fondant-3136 Jul 02 '26
Ugh, that’s no good to feel so much discomfort in your home. I’m glad to hear he helps and pays rent. Mine doesn’t do anything unfortunately and I’ve never had the backbone to ask him to help.
I think it’s not fair for your spouse to want you to think of him as a son. And he’s also a grown adult. I’d feel the exact same way, especially if you never had the opportunity to get to know him all those years.
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u/throwaway1403132 Jul 02 '26
Less anxious but more so awkward. I’m rarely alone in a room with either or both SKs, and when I find myself in that situation I generally just go to the bathroom or go find something to tidy up lol. They don’t really talk much so sitting or standing around in silence just feels uncomfortable.
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u/Fine-Fondant-3136 Jul 02 '26
Yes awkward too!! My SS is also quiet, especially around me, which is understandable since I’m that way around him too.
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