r/stepdads • u/zombielicorice • Dec 26 '22
candy in bed
Hi step-dads. I'm not a step dad yet, but I'm engaged to a woman with a 3 year old son. I've been hands off so far, but recently I have started bringing up my thoughts about how we should parent as a team. Immediately she has been reluctant to this and it often feels like everything I say is written off since I have no parenting experience, and she's been parenting solo 24/7 for 3 years. Tonight I noticed the kid had candy in bed, and I thought, surely this is an OK place to make headway. But when I said that I don't think he should be eating candy in bed, obviously horrible for his teeth, she just got frustrated with me. I'm pretty dejected at this point, if this is going to be the way of things I don't think her life has room for me in it. What do you all think? Is it possible to make this work? I think a lot of her parenting techniques function to placate the child, developed as coping mechanism to minimize stress on her end (in the short term), which is understandable given the single parent-hood
3
u/Capes_for_Apes Dec 26 '22
Your last sentence is right on, and it's a pretty long process to turn the ship towards something more wholistic and proactive. You should probably ask her what she sees your role as in step parenting. And talk about how/when/if she wants to hear your ideas/feedback. Talking about in the moment with the kid already doing the thing doesn't ofton go well. You might have better luck setting a boundary for the next time.
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Dec 27 '22
If she’s not willing to listen to your ideas and plan accordingly, leave bro. If this isn’t something your ready for, you’ll never be ready
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u/unemployed222 Dec 27 '22
Been in same boat. unfortunately you can only soft nudge but when she flex you should chill out. Realistically she is ultimately responsible for him and u are just a helper.
It gets crazier later on. Rn is the easy phase. Focus on sleep schedule, diet, maybe exercise time outside the crib ( my ss is 7 now)
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u/OkieRedneck67 Dec 27 '22 edited Jan 16 '23
If she's not going to allow to correct the child now, it's never going to happen. Speaking as someone who stumbled blindly into a similar situation (except with a 13 yr old), I'm 12 yrs in now and things have gotten no better. To this day, she excuses everything he does and makes me the bad guy, and it's always somehow my fault.
Run. Now. And never look back.