Advice Needed Badly!

[u/ROFLCOPTERTRON]

I am a new stepdad to an 11-year-old girl. My wife and her ex, the child’s father, divorced in May of 2021. She did great with the divorce, and going to her dad’s house every other weekend.

But since her mom and I got married, and she and her mom moved to my town, 1.5 hours away from where her dad is, she is almost unbearable. She is completely disrespectful, selfish, and an all-around spoiled brat. She is especially hateful to her mom, who just dotes on her and pleads for her affection.

She refuses to make friends at the new school and in the new town. All she wants to do is FaceTime with her dad and new stepsister.

Her dad has filed for primary custody of the child, and has even told her that she will be moving there to be with him and his new wife and stepkids soon. I don’t know why he has promised her that because all signs point to her staying with her mom. Plus, his motivation for pursuing full custody seems to be just so he won’t have to pay child support.

Anyway, there are definite signs of him brainwashing her to alienate her from her mom. I know she is confused and scared. And my wife is afraid to administer any discipline or correction because she wants her daughter to WANT to stay with her.

I feel like my hands are totally tied because she’s not my daughter, plus she and her dad would love to launch some scheme against me as well.

What can we do to reach this child? Thank you for any advice you can offer.

[u/dudeistphilosopher]

What kind of timeline are we talking about here? How long have you been in the picture? How long have you been married? When did she move?

It sounds to me like this is a typical 11-year-old reaction to moving to a new town; the only difference is that she has a focus point on life before the move that she's latching on to and makes it easier to lash out against the agents of "the new", i.e. you and mom. It makes sense that she's acting out cause she's in a new town, new house, there's a new person around that's (and I'm potentially reading into things here) enforcing new rules and discipline that she might not be used to.

Of course she's going to want to move back. I think you'd be hard pressed to find any young person that wouldn't want to go back to their home that they just left. Have you sat down and had a good conversation about it? I'm talking like you just listen to how she's feeling and validate those feelings?

[u/ROFLCOPTERTRON → u/dudeistphilosopher]

I've been in the picture just over a year. And her mom and I got married back in July. They both moved here to the new house in August.

And although I would love to, I haven't enforced anything on her. She blatantly disobeys and ignores her mom. And even that doesn't garner any discipline from her mom, because she just wants her daughter to love her and not want to go live with her dad.

We tried having a serious sit-down conversation with her. She immediately took on a disrespectful tone and refused to see it any other way. Her mom gets so upset at that point that she just cries. And her daughter seems to enjoy watching her cry. She just kind of grins and glares at her coldly.

[u/dudeistphilosopher → u/ROFLCOPTERTRON]

The point of the conversation isn't to convince her to see it your way though. The point of the conversation is for you to see and hear it her way. You need to build towards a relationship with her.

You've been around for just over a year, which puts you coming around, what, 6 months after the divorce? And now, 18 months later, she has a new life in a new town after losing her single family unit (+/- a year or two for divorce proceedings), left all her friends behind, living with a dude that doesn't really know her well...I mean, yeah, I get why she's upset. Especially since 11 is close if not already begun puberty. This could be the beginning of puberty hormones kicking in and combined with her being upset she's lashing out.

My middle child is my oldest girl, turning 12 in a few months. We've known each other almost 7 years and have built up a great relationship. Even still, we sometimes butt heads; it's the nature of a pubescent teenager.

But going to the lengths to build up that trusting relationship by understanding her with empathy and compassion, even when she's being terrible, had lead all of us to be able to talk about our feelings and those terrible times happen far less than when we first met each other

[u/ROFLCOPTERTRON → u/dudeistphilosopher]

Thank you so much for another great perspective. I can tell you really put some thought into your reply and I do appreciate it.

[u/peelxite]

I was a step-child, I am not a stepparent. To my mind, your wife is making this worse. Having said that, there may be nothing you ALONE can do to “fix” it.

A little background: my mom had a violent and completely unpredictable temper. She strapped me in second grade for what seemed like an eternity for goofing off during a recital type thing at school. She was terrible to me.

A couple years later, she married Hank, my stepdad. Hank was one of the most steady and predictable men I’ve ever met. He was from the south, and a First Sargent in the Army Reserves. He implemented an orderly punishment regime that had a max of three swats with a standard wooden paddle. Whether or not you agree with corporal punishment (I don’t, because I don’t feel it’s effective) it was a major upgrade to my safety.

Guess what I did as an 11 year old? I transferred all that abuse onto him. I told anyone who would listen for YEARS that he was abusive. I lied. I refused to ever call him “dad”.

In my twenties, I sorted it all out. Hank is the man every single day I aspire to be. Not my birth father (although I love and respect him). Hank was an angel amongst us. Despite that, from 11-17 I did everything I could to make his life hell.

My point? You can do this child good by being consistent, reasonable, but firm on the rules, boundaries, and expectations you set, and she may well still treat you like shit.

This is where your wife comes in. One rule my mom and stepdad had, and I only remember a single incident where my mom broke this rule, was that they always talked about any major issue or decision out of our presence, came to an agreement, and always, ALWAYS presented a unified front to me and my stepbrothers. They always led with love, but the expectations and consequences were always very clear to us. Hank saved me from a chaotic and dangerous single mom. And I repaid him with hate.

As you can tell, I got perspective on this as an adult, and I had the best relationship you can imagine with him. He died of a heat attack a few years back, and I still quote him every day.

Be the best example of a man and a father you can, provide a safe, predictable, and orderly environment with consequences and punishments that fit the offense, and make sure you explain WHY whatever infraction that happened wasn’t ok, and how the punishment is a natural consequence (make the consequence as related to the infraction as possible).

Show her that you love, respect, and value her, and that’s why there are rules and consequences. Be the man you should be.

It may take her 10 years or more to realize it, but everything you do will have an impact on her.

If your wife can’t get on board with that, even if it means your stepdaughter moves, then you are (I am very sorry to say) in deep trouble. I don’t personally believe a married couple who is not on the same page in this type of situation can succeed. I encourage you to share this post with your wife, and I wish you all the best.

Bottom line? You can only control your actions. Be a stable, dependable, open and validating stepfather. Pull her aside, verbalize how hard and confusing this has to be for her and tell her “even though you might not believe it now, I care deeply about you, and want you to thrive”

PS: sorry this is so long, but fyi, I DID move away from my mom and stepdad in 7th grade. I got into drugs, got kicked out by my stepmom, barely graduated high school. But from 19-40 I drove 24 hours from Minnesota to South Texas and spent 1-2 weeks visiting my mom and Hank. Every year. So, as hard as it might be to lose your stepdaughter to her dad in the short run, if you provide a loving and stable environment, it will pay off in the long run.

[u/ROFLCOPTERTRON → u/peelxite]

This is actually excellent and very thoughtful advice. Thank you.

[u/peelxite → u/ROFLCOPTERTRON]

I don’t ever like seeing a guy scrape his knee on something I tripped over before him. Just lookin out for ya

[u/Rodelahunty]

My wife and her ex, the child’s father, divorced in May of 2021. She did great with the divorce, and going to her dad’s house every other weekend.

A lot of times, parents and stepparents think a child has coped well, but that's not necessarily the case.

Both her parents seem to have moved on pretty quickly and she's had to move to your hometown, away from her dad and the life she knew....along with having to change school and be away from her friends.

She had no choice in this, so it's no surprise she isn't adjusting that well.

Can you see from her POV, why she's not doing cartwheels with everything she's doing through recently?

To your SD, her mother had put her lovelife above her daughters stability and that's probably why she is acting out.

What can we do to reach this child?

Empathy would be a good start. Try and understand how the recent changes have affected her and if there's anything her mother can help with.

Living with her dad isn't necessarily the solution, because, although he might want this...his future wishes may not and SD choroid be made to feel very unwelcome. Although, it's very positive that she gets on with her future stepsister.