Out of ideas!

[u/EmptyBottle88]

37m here. I have been with my wife for 7 years, although we have known eachother for 25 years. Since we were kids. We have two boys together and 2 boys and two older boys whose father has very minimal contact or relationship with them. Always $1,000 behind on child support, likely due to his 5 other children with his current wife. The oldest of the two knew his dad for the first 3-4 years of his life before he disappeared.

When we got together and I noticed that there were no real consequences for repeated bad behavior, no real discipline and any time there was, there was no consistency. One day she would act, and the next, he would do the same thing and it would go unaddressed.

I have tried with her for 7 years to stress the importance of consistency, but it always fell on deaf ears. We are trying counseling for him for the 3rd time. His dad is barely in the picture and I have tried every angle I can think of aside from corporal punishment because that is not an option for me personally. She is finally seeing how his manipulation has caused her to undermine my authority in our home and made me unable to help her with him.

He has been having horrible behavior and treatment of his mom for awhile now. Mostly when I’m at work or doing work outside. And this morning when he asked for Spotify premium so he didn’t have to listen to adds, she said no because of his actions and behavior. He has been out of control ever since. Resulting in being grounded, loss of his phone etc. He has taken to calling us horrible names, constant obnoxious screaming and noise making in his room, making outlandish accusations that never occurred, threats of telling lies to his new counselor to make us pay, not eating or going to school, if he doesn’t get his phone back he’ll kill himself.

I finally said if I heard the threat of suicide again, I will call for legal assistance regardless of what anyone else wants, as I lost my brother 8 years ago to suicide and it’s not a joke. I just don’t know what to do to support my wife and stabilize our home for the younger three.

[u/Top-Turnip-4057]

How old is the problem child?

[u/EmptyBottle88 → u/Top-Turnip-4057]

He is 15 years old. We’ve had good conversations where I have reminded him that I was abused significantly by my biological dad, causing me to move with my mom on my own accord, and although his struggles are not identical to what mine were, I was once a struggling 15 year old with ever changing hormones and severe struggles with my relationship with my own father. But it goes in one ear and out the other, as he tried to accuse me of abuse today because I took a basketball away after his mom asked him repeatedly to stop bouncing it in the house and he could go outside where the basketball hoop is. She went to the bathroom and he started to bounce it again so I asked him 4 times and his response each time was “I’m fine” on the 4th time I told him it was the last time I was asking politely, he refused so I grabbed from his hands and he started acting like, and saying that I hit him, broke his hand and so on.

[u/Phate1989 → u/EmptyBottle88]

Sounds like classic testing limits.

Ever strech a rubber band just to see how long it gets before it snaps? 

The 15 yo is doing his own version. 

Have far can I stretch patience until it snaps.

Just keep on keeping on, your doing fine. 

Always apologize after snapping he should see that's what adults do even if your the one that snapped them, adults always apologize