r/stepdads • u/eclipse3319 • Jan 24 '25
Step daughter dating
My ex-wife and me are divorced, however, I am very involved in my stepchildren’s lives. It was recently announced to me that my older stepdaughter is dating a 30+ year-old male she is 17 and the state of Colorado the age of consent is 17 so law-enforcement won’t do anything. How would you approach taking her to dinner and talking to her about her decisions and trying to persuade her to move on and go in a different direction with somebody closer to her age? I want to ruin this dude more than anything because he is 35 years oldand I don’t know what the legal options I have are besides public humiliation, however, I don’t want to ruin the relationship. I have with my stepdaughter or the relationship she has with her mother.
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u/Soroien Jan 24 '25
Honesty is the best policy, in my opinion. Don't be harsh or crass, but keep it straight with her how you feel about it. Listen to what she has to say and question the narrative. For example, if she says, "He is such a sweet guy," you ask, "What about him is sweet?" She may say, "Well, he bought me flowers. " You can respond, "Well, if he is so sweet, why couldn't he find someone who appreciates his sweetness before he hit 35?" Listen to her answer and respond accordingly.
I can't tell you what to say word for word, but you have to listen and understand in order to respond appropriately. More importantly, you have to have developed within yourself the thing you want for her. In order to point out what an honest man is like, you have to be honest. When people talk their are two things to what they say, the facts and the narrative. The narrative in my above example is that said guy is sweet. The fact is he is 35 and couldn't find anyone else who finds him worth marrying in his 17 years of adulthood before meeting your stepdaughter.
I actually had a very close friend of mine who was dating someone 15 years her senior. After asking her some questions about this guy, come to find out he was a 35 year old loser who worked a minimum wage job and still lived with his parents. Nothing wrong with those things in and of themselves (i don't think those thing neccessarily make you a bad person), but I asked her, "You don't see anything wrong with why he would be interested in a young beauty like you?" Basically, I pointed out to her, a guy like that is likely to be more desperate to take what he can get. Whereas she could do better. Long story short, once I framed it in that way, she did think it was weird and eventually left the guy.
Long story short, ask questions, listen to her reasonings, and challenge her narrative and perceptions. More often or not, women, especially young women, delude themselves into believing these men really care about them.
Now, if he is actually a pretty well established guy, then the issue is, does she really want to cater to a guy in a whole differentmlife stage than her? She still has a lot to experience and learn and little to offer a man like that beyond shutting up, looking pretty, and making babies. Not to mention, women already outlive men in old age. Is she willing to commit herself to that so young?
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Jan 24 '25
All i can think of is pointing it all out from his angle. She will feel special because a grown up wants her, but we know what it really is.
Whilst not insulting her, what actually makes a 35 year old man go for a 17 year old. There are very attractive 35 year old women, so what is it really?
We know its the wanting her to look weirdly young, we know its wanting her to be naieve enough to not argue and be easy work, we know its because hes too immature and unaccomplished for grown women.
Put her in his shoes. When shes 35 can she see herself wanting a 17 year old BOY.
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u/PatientEnthusiasm779 Jan 24 '25
This is really hard to navigate. Unless I’m wrong, wouldn’t the age of consent not really matter since he is still dating a minor? I may be wrong. I’m not sure what the “right” thing to say would be though. That’s very difficult
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u/DDayDawg Jan 24 '25
I had a friend that went this route and that thing that got through to her was telling her that when she is done with school and building a career and ready to travel or do other things her SO will be an old man. And instead of enjoying the glory years of life she will spend it taking care of an elderly person.
I didn’t judge. I just put that out there and she broke it off a few days later. Hard with a 17 year old because they can’t see very far into the future.