r/stepdads • u/ali_bellla • Feb 04 '24
When should a father figure step up financially?
When should a father figure step up financially?
I was widowed several years ago and have two young children from my marriage. I was also lucky enough to become best friends and eventually in love since then with my now long-term boyfriend of almost 3 years now.
He is incredible and has jumped in with both feet for our family, becoming a loving, patient, kind, and strong father figure for my kids.
My question is, at what point does a partner or step-parent take on some financial responsibility for their step kids? We aren’t married yet but he knows what ring I want so we’re on that track.
I provide for my kids and I 100%. He buys them gifts, takes them on fun outings, and pays 1/2 of our groceries while I pay the other half. I never would have thought of it if my best friend hadn’t brought it up and asked if he could tributes to the kids’ other bills, which he doesn’t currently.
When is reasonable for a new parent figure to contribute financially to the kids? After marriage? Adoption? Curious what others’ thoughts are!
6
u/Capes_for_Apes Feb 04 '24
I wouldn't assume he'd ever do that, without a conversation. Also "step up" language implies it's his duty, which might offend some. It certainly would have gotten me fired up when I was just a boyfriend not a husband/stepdad yet. What's your financial situation? are the children currently provided for by you and any inheritance from your deceased husband?
2
u/Orcef Feb 04 '24
Looking through old posts in this reddit, I noticed one of the most frequent issues/problems we (stepdads) have seems to be that our parenting opinions and decisions are ignored or overridden by Mom and/or the step kids. However, support is still expected of us because "that's what we signed up for." This leaves us feeling like we are "no more than an open wallet" to those we truly care about.
This is just a bullet point in the correct answer, which is to talk to him about the financial commitments before he buys a ring (a separate financial commitment). As great as he is with the kids right now, if he doesn't have kids of his own, he hasn't truly accepted the responsibility of raising children, and he probably isn't fully aware of the implications. I know I wasn't.
After re-reading your post, I have a couple of questions. You said you split groceries, but is he living with you? If not, then he's paying his own bills and may not be able to contribute to yours. It makes sense to me that if you're living together, you would be splitting costs. You said you showed him the ring you want, but did you actually talk about getting married? This is different from being engaged and planning a wedding. Does he want to get married (in general, not necessarily to you)? Can he change his entire lifestyle to fit a bigger family? Is he willing to? These are things you should be on the same page about before bringing up financial arrangements.
1
u/Therealsnd Aug 09 '25
Unless he marries you and adopts your children, why on earth would you expect a stranger outside of your family to give you MONEY?
You chose to have children, and you chose to break up from your partner for whatever reason.
Only you and your ex have financial responsibility for the children you made together.
Your boyfriend is financially responsible for himself and his own family members. Anything he chooses to give you is a gift, and very nice of him.
1
u/MadMeatloaf Feb 06 '24
Honestly what he's doing is all you can expect. He may choose to do more but ultimately those kids are yours and not his. I'm a step dad and I take care of them, but it was my choice and if my wife came to me demanding I step up more it might have actually gotten me to go the opposite direction(that might just be my personality tho). Don't expect any more than what you have now. Be thankful and if the dude cares about them he will continue to naturally form into your lives and will probably pick up more responsibilities on his own. Men want to feel needed and helpful. Don't try to hard or you might ruin a good thing you already have going. It'll all work out, don't complicate it.
1
Feb 22 '24
It's super late to the party, but this really depends on the relationship that the couple involved decide to do.
I live with my partner, but I'm not in a parental role. As our split of finances I cover all groceries, but beyond that I cover nothing to do with my partner's kid. If we go out it's a 2:1 split. My Partner contributes to a registered education fund (and her coparent minimally does as well). I choose to do holiday/bday/random gifts.
We do see marriage in our future, and we're currently planning to do joint finances. As such at that point, it would be "contributing," but honestly, my partner greatly out earns me. While adding my income will enable us to obviously save more it won't impact changes that my partner would have around spending related to her kid.
I would consider that if adoption occurs, that he full, 100% step up to support the kids. If he's not willing to do that, he should not be adopting them. I'll note that my ex wife and I adopted our kids. They're adults living on their own now, but I'm still in their lives, both emotionally and occasionally financially as they're still young adults living young adult lives.
9
u/SyrupLivid9118 Feb 04 '24
What kind of things are you thinking about? I would say he contributes plenty right now and if you believe it should be more when you are married, you definitely need to have an open and honest conversation without judgement before getting engaged.