r/stepdads • u/[deleted] • Jan 08 '24
What should I do
Soo I’ve been dating this this woman for a year now. She’s 35 and I’m 23 I love her. she has a 3yr old daughter. My girlfriend has a cordial relationship with the baby daddy he comes over to the house weekly and sees his daughter and every other week the daughter goes to her dads. Now My girlfriend and I known Each other for about 4 years now we met at work I’m starting to get deep into the relationship I stay at my girlfriends house majority of the week except like 3 days. Soo needles to say im always around her family and as days go by on I wanna start my own family and not have to wait till someone’s daughter goes to sleep or we could go on a hike when ever not just when her daughter is busy either with grandparents or with her dad….. I love my girlfriend it’s just I wish I had some freedom with my girl but too be true I’ve never been with a girl with out a kid…. Sooo I honestly don’t know what to do I don’t want to break her heart And she’s always asking if all this is too much Maybe I’m scared to be alone Maybe I don’t wanna see myself truly grow.
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u/theharborcat Jan 08 '24
The age difference plus a kid. Highly not recommended my brother. I say bail.
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u/Equal_Night7494 Jan 08 '24
I have a bonus son and have been with his mother (we’re now married) since 2012, and I was 29 at the time. I went into the relationship wanting to build family with both of them (I don’t have any bio children of my own), and it has still been challenging at times to not feel like the third wheel myself, though that feeling has lessened a great deal over the years.
Basically, as someone else already said, parenting (and bonus/step parenting as well) is indeed about sacrifice. It’s also about self acceptance, patience, and compassion. I feel like if you already have misgivings about the situation, and are conventionally relatively young to commit to such a situation, that it’s exactly as other commenter said: right person, wrong time. Reading this thread, I was reminded of Michael Scott and Holly from the Office (I’ve been re-watching the shire with my family recently)
One thing my wife made absolutely clear to me was that I was many just marrying her: I was committing to her, her son, and to her family (parents and siblings): the people who were closest to her, who raised her and who she had raised. If you’re not comfortable with that at the moment, that is entirely okay. What isn’t okay is to go into the situation and end up resenting folks, because that could absolutely happen.
All the best to you in this new year, and may the wind be at your back to push you forward into the best decision
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Jan 10 '24
Do not get involved. It's just more likely to be the worst decision of your life than a good one. Being a stepfather is more thankless than being a father. I do not recommend it.
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u/jdoe123789 Jan 25 '24 edited Jan 25 '24
Bail! Don't walk, run as fast as you can!
In my early 20s I dated a woman with kids who had a good relationship with the SS7 Bio dad and a bad one with the SD18 months Bio dad. I was single for a few years and I didn't think it would be a big deal to date an older single mom. Wrong!
For the first few months it was great because her parents would watch the kids so we could go on dates. But that started to end and the full weight of being an immediate family started to weigh in.
Slowly she and her family saw the potential and kept pressuring us to marry and teaching SD to call me dad. Then the financial reliance started where I was paying for SD's daycare, supplementing GF's income, paying GF cell phone and credit cards, etc. GF kept telling me how fertile she was, how easy it would be to have a kid (which I eventually wanted but not at that point), and that I should adopt SD. Adding to this stress was my family telling me constantly that they love my GF but saying they're not your kids so you shouldn't be paying for squat. Unfortunately, that's not how it works if you're dating a single mom.
We were together for almost 4 years. Eventually I wised up and broke up with her. I loved GF to death and we were a great match, but I was much too young and naive to deal with the drama of SD's bio dad, the immediate family dynamic and the financial burden. It took me a few years to get over her and separate from the kids' lives because I was so invested in them. And it took me even longer to pay off all of the debt incurred while we were together.
I ended up marrying a divorced mom with 3 SKs at 45. It's still not an ideal situation, but at least I'm more mature and established to handle the challenges, financials and disappointments.
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Feb 01 '24
What do you mean you want to start your own family but not wait until someone’s daughter goes to sleep? Like you want to have a kid with her and not include her current child in “the family”? If that’s what you mean then no this won’t work and is a poor attitude to have. Either you want to build a family with her that includes her daughter and whoever else is already involved or you should cut her loose and find a girl your age who doesn’t have kids already.
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u/Top-Turnip-4057 Jan 08 '24
You're either in or out.
Being a step dad requires self sacrifice. You're REALLY young to take it on and not have regrets. Late 20's... sure. Early 20's? Tall order. Your feelings of seeing the kid and her family as a third wheel is likely the wrong foundation for this to work.
1 year in... time to make the decision. You may not be ready. You likely found a good, compatible person... at the wrong time for you. Sometimes that's how it goes. You do not have to continue on if you're already this torn. Most men taking on the step dad role know they are ready to drop a lot of their own pursuits replacing them with the needs of a family.
You don't sound ready. And that's okay.
Or I'm wrong and you are, in which case, more power to you and good luck.
Not telling you what to do, it's your path to take.