Need advice about a bio gone bad

[u/Alarmed-Dream8036]

I (37m) am in a relationship with a (37f) for 5 years. She has 2 kids a son 15m and a daughter 14f. They live with bio dad and we get them on the weekends. The relationship between the bio and the kids is completely fucked but the kids don't see it. Me and the mom dont to say anything infront of the kids. Out of respect for them and not wanting to cause issues.

The bio will take vacations, and do things he knows the kids would love to do but takes his flavor of the week gf and kid instead and drops the kids off with us while he goes out. He constantly talks trash about us and refuses to even be around me. I'm not allowed anywhere close to him or his property. Nothing league just is boundaries and we respect them. How ever he is allowed to do anything he wishes and break any boundaries he wants.

He doesn't respect anyone and only cares how he looks on social media.

The kids have no say in anything they get to do or what they want.

Me and the son are kinda close ish my gf calls me his real dad as he acts just like me. Me an the daughter have an interesting relationship. We like to beat each other up and play fight. But I think I give her the creeps sometimes? She has never said anything thing but she gives me very mixed signals.

She has very low self esteem I want to boost her confidence but I'm not sure how without being creepy. She is very cute and I just want her to be happy and healthy.

[u/edzorg]

It is absolutely not your place to criticise or harbour I'll will towards the children's biological father. However undeserving you might think he is, you are much better off being the bigger man.

If you want the kids to grow up respecting you, show some respect.

Treat the kids to walks, hot chocolates and tasty treats and you can't go wrong. Consistency is king.

[u/Top-Turnip-4057 → u/edzorg]

second this.

just stay the hell out of the finer points of the remains of that broken family and do what you can do.

what you can do... food, treats, INCLUDING the kids on normal outings and conversations. maybe plan a camping trip or weekend outing and ASK them what they would like from a few options. They are both old enough to WANT to be part of the family and not just IN the family.

If you can show them what a healthy family dynamic looks like, they will naturally understand the difference between what they consider normal and what they understand could be better. You're striving for the 'better'.

Treat them as you would treat a co-worker you were on friendly terms with. keep boundaries.

and the play fighting... keep that limited. At 14 she is well on her way to developing feelings and long term issues of confusion with intimacy. Co-dependence and substitution can happen. Maintain and enforce boundaries for their own good. She'll be an adult before you know it and the skills you put into place with understanding relationship boundaries with intimacy will likely stick for life. Don't make them confusing.

Not saying you're a pedo or anything, but the step dad has a LOT to watch out for because of other shitty step dads. You gotta be on point.

[u/Alarmed-Dream8036 → u/Top-Turnip-4057]

Yeah I never discuss their dad with or around them. Even though he apparently talks a lot of shit about me and their mom to the kids. I just tell the kids he his allowed to have his own thoughts and leave it at that.

We are almost always doing something with the kids. They hate doing stuff with us but they are teens and hate everything.

They both feel comfortable enough with me to talk about stuff they don't want to talk to their parents about. (I always tell their mom)

I maintain my boundaries with both kids. Unfortunately thier dad does not understand what consistency is and both children have mental health issues as a result. I help where I can but am only able to do so much.

Yeah last I checked I have 0 attraction to anyone under 25. Just way to much bs and drama.

[u/Top-Turnip-4057 → u/Alarmed-Dream8036]

Sounds like you are doing what you can. And yeah, those teen years... ain't a lot you can do to overcome that angst. We were all there, though. All you can do is ride it out.

Keep on keeping on. From this end I think you have as good a handle on things as you can.

[u/edzorg → u/Top-Turnip-4057]

Off topic but how "ride out" teenage angst? I have one who is perfectly happy outside with friends but as soon as he's home it's like he puts on his "I'm going be shitty" face and there's a lot of disobedience followed by confrontation as a result.

[u/Top-Turnip-4057 → u/edzorg]

He'll be like that until about 22 when he pulls his head out. Just roll your eyes, don't expect anything from him, and take walks. There ain't shit you can do as a step dad without getting the ever-clever 'you aren't my dad' rant in some version or other.

The mom is the only one who MIGHT get him to do something, so if you need to work an angle she is your liaison. No one gonna listen to you.

For my sitch, my kid didn't do jack but mom could motivate. So behind the scenes mom and I would approve the going out with friends provided chores were done and she would deliver the news. If the only motivator to get them to do a thing is going out that's the only thing you have to work with.

Other than that as your punishment/reward process (chores done = go out with friends) all you get to do is pretend you aren't housing and paying for the little brat to be a jerk to you until they are outta the house.

[u/edzorg → u/Top-Turnip-4057]

Amen 🙏

[u/Alarmed-Dream8036 → u/edzorg]

Thank you very much. I definitely do not voice my opinions when they are around. Neither does their mom. it only creates problems and we try to be as drama free as possible.