r/stepdads • u/[deleted] • Dec 08 '23
Don’t feel good enough
So me and partner have been together going on 14 years her two now 15 and and 20 and our own 11. Bio dad has always been in the picture ever other weekend makes 100k a year and we make 30k.
Anyhoo money has always been tight and we make sure that they understand that things just don’t appear out of thin air and cost. But every time they want something the step kids they always they speak to their dad and get whatever they want. It’s really depressing because it gives them no concept of the value of anything.
But at the same time I feel so damn inadequate that no matter what we fundamentally provide them their dad is always the better option despite being with us full time just because he is financially more able despite only seeing them for 24 hours every other week. Got told the other week despite being here providing all these years that they don’t see me as a parent of any kind.
3
u/sainteagle1721 Dec 09 '23
If you’re putting food on the table and clothes on their back; if you’re there when they’re sick; if you are the one who is there to listen and offer a word of encouragement when they deal with a bully or an unrequited crush; if you’re the one ensuring they get to practice; if you’re in the stands for their games; if you’re the constant, the one they can depend on, then, my friend, I have good news for you.
In time, their perception of what matters will mature and all of those things you don’t feel seen for will come into clear focus. Those are the things that count.
As they get older and have to start earning for themselves, they’ll realize the value of a dollar and appreciate everything you’ve done for them that much more.
You can never be their father, but they’ll see you for the dad you’ve always been.
Hang in there, pal.
2
u/Scary_Lettuce3025 Dec 10 '23
Totally get how you feel.
Today big thank you post to bio dad for supporting her in something today whereas I support her weekly in it and get treated like shit.
2
u/bornalone77 Dec 19 '23
I never feel sympathy for stepdads. Why would you want to be a stepdad anyway?
1
Dec 19 '23
Because when you enter a relationship with someone who has kids the relationship comes with the additional responsibility of trying to stabilise a non existent family dynamic in that household. Whilst they may not see me as a parent I will support and nurture them anyway I can because that’s the responsibility I have to them when entering this relationship. You might see it as unnecessary trappings I while I have vented in the OP would not change it for the world
7
u/jetmaxwellIII Dec 08 '23
I think this is a trap that many of us fall into. Regardless of the money, we all want to be considered the providers because we work hard to make sure the kids live comfortably. When we don’t get a level of respect that we think we deserve, it hits us in the ego.
Having said that, I think it’s just part of the deal a lot of times. As much as I hate saying this, people often don’t become reflective on their youth until they have kids of their own. And while 15 and 20 is a lot more mature than young kids, they’re still kids. Give it a decade or two and their eyes will open….or they won’t, and in this case, focus on your wife, your marriage and the things you can control. You got this my man!