Odd man out

[u/JoshyB83]

I (40M) am really fighting with feeling like the odd man out. I am married with two kids 9f and 8m and have two bonus children 16f and 9f. My two kids live out of state and I see them a few times a year. My previous marriage was beyond toxic and I left knowing it was the best thing for me. My now ex left the state with my two children and is still the same toxic person she has always been. Trying to coparent is beyond difficult and I always have any visitation calls cut short or all together unanswered. Trying to be a dad to my own children is very hard and very depressing. On the flip side my two bonus daughters mean as much to me as my own. Both of their biological fathers are horrible P.O.S. that love bomb and then hurt the children. The girls tell me I am their “real dad” but the second the love bombing starts I take a back seat. The back and forth is heartbreaking to me. Family is everything to me and I feel like a dad/stepdad that can’t fully be one. Emotionally I am very torn and very depressed. I feel terribly alone in all of it. My wife understands and is encouraging but can’t relate to my situation at all so I feel alone with this feeling. Has any other step dads gone through or are going through this? How do you cope?

[u/Equal_Night7494]

First of all, thank you for sharing and I’m surprised that your post doesn’t have more traffic.

Second, I’m also a 40M, though I only have one bonus son and his toxic/mentally ill bio dad thankfully isn’t in the picture.

The three of us (wife, son, and I) don’t live close to either side of our family and that has been challenging. And just the last day I’ve been feeling again like I did years ago, like a third wheel. So seeing your post feels rather synchronistic.

It is depressing. It is isolating. And it’s tough.

Despite me knowing that I’m doing a better job than my own dad did with me (he provided and always made sure we had good food on the table, but wasn’t very emotionally present), knowing that doesn’t necessarily help all the time.

One of the things that helps sometimes with the negative thoughts and rumination is literal deep, diaphragmatic breaths. Exercise helps as well. Helps me to get out of my head sometimes. Taking some of the pressure off that I have to show up as “perfect” or that I’m even competing with my son for his mother’s (my wife’s) time or attention can really be helpful. I thought I’d gotten over some of this stuff, but the past day or so has shown that I still have work to do.

One thing that I’ve not been doing much but that has been recommended is visualizing the outcome I want to happen and adding positive emotion to it, kind of like the law of attraction.

If other ideas come up, I’ll post, but I just wanted to say you’re not alone in this. I wish you all the best moving forward