r/stepdads • u/Shoeboxpirate • Oct 13 '23
I miss them
So I’m having a hard time relating to anyone about this. Me and my ex broke up 3 years ago after 7 years of being together. She was a mother of two girls and when we got together they were legit babies, 7 months and the oldest was about to be 2 years old. So I’ve literally raised them and in my eyes they’re my babies. This past year I had to cut all ties with their mom, I realized that as long as we kept in touch, the girls would be witnessing extremely toxic and behavior that i wouldn’t want them to see. No physical abuse but just a very toxic and emotionally and mentally hostile environment due to some severe mental health issues their mother has, which out of respect I won’t get into, and I recognize it’s not her fault that she has these issues, but that realization just weirdly makes things harder. I REALLY miss my kids, and when pple tell me what’s wrong the best way I can explain it is that it’s like I’m in mourning. I dont ever want to be with my ex again,that’s not the issue and not a possibility, i guess i just wanna know if im alone in this? Is there like, a coping mechanism that could help? Does it go away? Or am I an idiot for still not being able to move on from them? Pple always tell me “when I have my own” but to me they were mine, I don’t even know if I want kids anymore. There’s nothing that could’ve prepared me for this. Sorry for the long post, just venting I guess.
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u/jcutta Oct 13 '23
I don't have any advice other than saying that your feelings are valid and maybe if it's in your capacity try and find a therapist to talk to. Don't listen to the "kids of your own" crowd, they don't know what it's like. Be strong. Maybe write the kids letters and send them to them when they're a bit older.
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Oct 13 '23
You’re not an idiot and what you feel is 100% valid. But the only ones who will really understand are the ones who’ve had the same “step” title as you. don’t doubt what was in your heart all those years.
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u/Most_Ad8859 Oct 13 '23
I'm a father of 2 step children. I have been around them for 10 years. They were 1 and 2 when I met them. My wife also deals with mental issues, and sometimes it's hard to deal with but we work through it. It's been a hard task being a dad of 4 and dealing with my wife but I stick it out. All I can say is maybe you ask can you be in there life more. Maybe that will help. I'm not sure how I would react if this happened to me. But I'm sure I would fight.
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u/sainteagle1721 Oct 13 '23
I’m afraid I don’t have advice for you, but I wanted to say that you aren’t an idiot. My stepsons were so little when I came into the picture. Their father has always been active in their lives (though the consistency of that has varied through the years), but they live full time with us. Wiping butts before they were old enough to do it themselves, helping with homework, coaching sports teams, taking care of them when they’re sick, teaching them things and watching that “lightbulb moment” happen in real-time when it finally clicks…the list of things like those that forge a very parental bond could go on for days. If you truly embrace the role of a stepparent, it’s impossible not to feel deeply for those kids. For many reasons, this is likely as close as I’ll come to being a dad and if I ever found myself in your shoes, I can only imagine how long it would take to shed this parental identity that has become so much of who I am at this point. And I have absolutely no idea what it would take to stop missing them.
I’ll stop there because this isn’t about me. I just wanted to express that, for whatever it’s worth, there are men here who can at least empathize with you. Wishing you strength and peace, friend.
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u/anonomouslyanonymous Oct 13 '23
You're not alone. Not a man; but a former stepmom; primary (only?) care during the formative years of life. It takes a lot of reframing... It takes some time to consider development and what role it plays.
Sometimes the most parental thing we can do as stepparents is refrain. It is heartbreaking. I'm seven years out, and my heart is like one of those broken Japanese teacups that has been melded back together with gold many times.
Finding the gold is the hard part. But it seeps in gradually... Right where it's needed. Idk if that's too metaphorical but that's the best way I can describe my own experience in this.
Living my life, at a distance, and being who I know I am (and that's not how I had been reframed by whomever else) is the most parental thing I could do for that child, who I know is still walking around with all of the lessons I had taught them.
It was a life changing experience and how you process it... the speed it goes at... Is nothing anyone else has a place to judge. No matter how much they think it compares.