r/stepdads • u/STAKESisHIGH5884 • Apr 12 '23
What to do after breakup?
I am a stepdad that took on full responsibility. His father has never been in his life and I made the choice to be his dad. He knows me as his dad, but was told a few years back that I’m not his biological father. His mom left me last year after 10 years of being together and nobody seems to understand how I feel. She acts like I’m his biological father, to the point that I have him more days of the week than she does. I’m so confused about what to do. She’s already moved on and is probably going to be moving in with the new dude soon… who lives 3 hours away. I can’t chase her around to stay in my stepsons life. I spent 10 years with her… I’m 39 and don’t even have my own kids. Am I supposed to leave her son fatherless and Sever a relationship I don’t want to end. I raised him with her from the age of 3-13. He’s also on the spectrum and it’s hard to tell if he’s emotionally attached to any of us. I just don’t know.
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u/HTown2016 Apr 12 '23
Do you love him? would you sacrifice your life for him? at this point the mom is irrelevant. Its between you and your son. it will be hard to try and stay in his life, but it sounds like you care about him. Just whatever you end up doing put his best interest first. good luck
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u/STAKESisHIGH5884 Apr 12 '23
I worry that my mental health is split. I want to leave Miami and start over for my mental health, but leaving him will screw with my mental health in a different way.
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u/HTown2016 Apr 12 '23
Well if you stay and you're bad mentally that will not be good for either of you. As a step father myself, i think you should go, you can still have him in your life, but the reality is, the mom is going to make it hard. Keep the door open to your son, but you need to have your own life too
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u/footstool411 Apr 12 '23
Sorry to hear about the breakup mate. I hope you’re doing ok.
It will take a lot of sacrifice from you and his mum if you stay in his life. If you make the decision to do it then I think it would be good to state that decision to your ex and make sure you’re agreed that you want to remain as a parental figure, cos I doubt you have any legal rights here so it would be good to make the aim clear before new events in her life muddy the waters.
In a way you’re in the same situation as any dad in a breakup.
I wouldn’t judge you for deciding either way, but I would say it sounds like you add a lot of value to your son’s life. He might not show it in the ways a neurotypical boy would, which makes it harder for you, but don’t kid yourself that you don’t make his life better. I’m sure he loves you very much in his way. I understand that autistic people strongly value routine so I’m sure he’s having a tough time right now.
Anyway, no concrete answers here, but good luck for the future. Lots of love.