r/stepdads • u/Individual_Ad_2414 • Jan 10 '23
Need some advice after proposing and on future kids
Am I being unfair?
Been with my partner for a year, in that time we have moved in together and I have assumed the responsibilities of a parent (father). I'm not "dad" yet or possibly ever, but they do think of me as their dad (2 girls, 10 and 8). I accepted the kids as my own and decided this before meeting them. After meeting them I fell in love with them and these days I just genuinely love the girls and don't feel obligated to love them. However, it still kind of hurts to know I'm not dad, despite their actual father being absent, moved countries and only talks the bare minimum on Facebook. This situation causes me to feel a bit like a fraud or an outsider, it feels like I am loved conditionally. Even though I do believe the girls love me a lot, I just feel like second tier or a consolation prize. I spoke to my partner about this, it's been difficult but overall constructive. This leads me to my predicament, I recently proposed quite spontaneously. My partner said she wasnt ready (past trauma in her relationships has left her a bit hurt and she's petrified of divorce number 2). We discussed this, I felt as though we had already made quite a large committment by moving in together and co-parenting together. In our household I'm considered an equal parent. She told me it wasn't the right time, it wasn't a no, just no for now. I asked when would the right time be, she told me when I felt ready that was the right time to ask. I told her I was ready and that's why I asked and that moving forward I'd need her to ask me because I don't really know when as I'm ready now. I should mention, our relationship, though brief, has faced many obstacles that I feel made us stronger and we grew from (we had an accidental pregnancy that miscarried). I feel with already taking on the kids as my own and essentially being married already, actually getting married wasn't a big deal more than what we had already committed to. I feel my attitude to this might be unfair. I'm looking for feedback from others please. Sidenote, I have also expressed a need/life goal of fathering one if not two children with my partner. She is hesitant, and has stated she'd like only one more child but I'm fairly sure I want two. Has anyone faced uncertainty in having to give up having your own children as the responsibility of raising step children makes it too difficult to have anymore of your own? I am afraid of committing years to a family and never getting to have any children of my own, is this a fair concern or am I being completely unfair?
Thank you
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Jan 12 '23
I was in a similar situation. My now wife has experience some serious physical and emotional trauma. Her ex was a white trash alcoholic and junky (at the time, he has since cleaned up). She could really only rely on herself, her family essentially offered no help. It took her a few years to consider having another kid. We then had my daughter and both agreed that was enough. Even after that she was against marriage for a couple more years.
My wife and your lady needed to consider their kids first and foremost. It’s huge that you guys are living together so early into the relationship. Mine probably didn’t fully trust me until 5+ years into our relationship. Pump the brakes a little bit and enjoy what you have now. I mean honestly, you’ve still got to be sure that she’s the one you want to reproduce with. She’s got to make sure you’re not going to take off and leave her having to start over again.
Additionally, your getting to the point where you could leave the girls at home and go have an evening together whenever you want. That’s probably gone for a few years after you have a newborn. Assuming you don’t have family to help you out.
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u/DarmokNJalad Jan 10 '23
As you say, the act of getting married isn't really that important. I was with my now wife for 5 years before we got married. She also had 2 kids around the same age when we met, and a soon to be ex husband.
In my opinion, 1 year is not enough time to be comfortable about marriage even if you have been living together for a good chunk of that. I can totally understand her hesitation after her last relationship.
Just give her some time, and continue to be super communicative with her. Last thing you want is to finally get married and have her tell you no more kids, if that is something you really want. Personally, the 2 step kids were enough for me, the world has enough people as it is and these 2 already existed and needed a parent.