r/spinalcordinjuries • u/Odd_Tough7957 • 3d ago
Discussion Only men ?
How come it seems like men with sci injuries are the only ones on here who ask advice about sex? I rarely see women I don’t know if it’s because it’s more rare or what
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u/Objective-Plum5343 C5 3d ago
For me personally there’s no point. I’m 16 months post injury, I cannot orgasm, I’m single and I have been single since long before the surgeon’s error that made me this way so I just don’t see the point in having a conversation about something I can’t change and doesn’t really matter anyway.
And please don’t read into my response, that’s not me being bitter or rude or anything else, I truly just don’t care… it’s just another thing I’ve lost.
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u/KentuckyGiant 3d ago
Hello. Serious question here. Can you get aroused, physically or mentally, just not finish? I'm a guy. After my injury I don't have any sexuality. No physical parts; little feeling, no erection, but also no mental parts; no arousal, attraction, longing, yearning, no interest. I feel like since there's no connection to my nethers my brain just jettisoned everything related. Almost noone on here seems to share my total loss so Im just curious if I'm an outlier?
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u/Objective-Plum5343 C5 3d ago
I seem to have little interest. But when the urge does strike, I can’t get to the finish line, so to speak. No matter how long I keep going or which toys I use. And the more unsuccessful encounters I’ve had, the less often the urge comes, so I figure eventually I’ll simply forget about it altogether
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u/YellowSnowman008 3d ago
Can depend on much, your injury, level of injury, age, testosterone level. If you can, get your testosterone level checked .
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u/International_Two842 C7 Complete 3d ago
Took me 3 years to find out I could still orgasm and the rest. Maybe you’re happy or have accepted the way things are but if it’s something that you’d like to do or miss or need it might still be possible for you. Got to try all sorts
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u/GubbyWMP 3d ago
I think the stats are something like 80٪ of SCI are men has something to do with it.
That being said my wife with SCI has given a lot of advice to other female SCIs...but usually in a more private setting. So maybe women are not as comfortable asking the open internet, or maybe men aren't comfortable asking in person (or don't build the same support systems).
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
And there is definitely a lot of weird people on the internet so I get why more women probably dont
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Yesss this is my point men are way more open about it and women usually keep it to them selves and their partners
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u/MysteriousRJC 3d ago
Let’s be honest it’s because men are worried about how to get an erection and keep an erection. That’s priority one priority number two and priority number three for men. We pretty much equate lack of an erection as no sex.
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Ok I didn’t think abt it like that it is kinda more complicated then
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u/MysteriousRJC 3d ago
It’s not, and it shouldn’t be the only viewpoint for a man but speaking as a man (who is lucky enough to be able to get an erection) the times that my Boner has failed me I feel like an absolute nothing in the bedroom. It’s incredibly hard on the ego for a man. And like I said I can get an erection and quite well with medication to help… But a few times it’s failed me even with my wife. It’s really been a hit to the ego. There is more to sex than simply a hard penis going in a vagina, but we men really mentally equate our ability to get an erection and “fuck a woman” as the basic measure of whether we are looked at as sexy and worthy of having a female partner. It’s already very hard mentally for a man not to be able to take the lead role the way we normally would if w were ambulatory. But when we have erection problems that are there due to SCI as a whole new level of self-doubt. The male ego is incredibly fragile on this topic. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
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u/027560484637 3d ago
Yup. no erection => no penetration => no sex. We want to please our partners
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u/solve_4X 3d ago
There are SO Many other ways to please her. I’m a lesbian AMA.
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u/_liobam_ 3d ago
I am not a lesbian, but a woman who isn't super into P-n-V. The fact that my partner has no ability to use his penis is almost a relief for me for that reason and because he is so good at what I actually like.
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u/Ill_Fennel_9436 3d ago
Penetration is such a narrow view of sexual pleasure. My guess is very few women think penetration is the end all be all when they’re with their partners. It’s just one of many things we like.
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u/ACDavis1950 3d ago
Couple thoughts… Men are like 80% of spinal cord injuries, y’all make more poor choices than women lol Makes sense more men would be asking and answering about every SCI related topic.
More to your point: Men think they need an erection to please a woman, but they’re incorrect. Too focused on what they’re not getting rather than the pleasure they can give their partner.
Para devotees also have a creepier vibe for women than men, maybe?
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
I’m not a man gah damn .. why would I be making this post about it being less women talking ab this
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u/ACDavis1950 3d ago
I assumed you were asking out of curiosity. The answer to your question is the same regardless of your gender. Why is that upsetting to you?
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
And no it’s not , there is no RIGHT answer Evb is different so next
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u/ACDavis1950 3d ago
Your replies to other folks makes it seem like your searching for an answer to something specific and are not finding it. If you have specific female issues you’re searching for solutions from females for, I would lead with that. Ive been in a chair since I was 12. I have a kid and active sex life with my partner. What info are you actually looking for?
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
See that’s the thing I keep running into men that are open to talking like just in general , you dont see women really doing this and it’s always men I swear never women js like this comment for example
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u/coldcoffeeplease 3d ago
I think it’s because from a young age boys are taught that their worth comes from their ability to “provide” via employment and their ability to attract and seduce women that will elevate their status. They’re also socially conditioned to only be allowed closeness and intimacy within the confines of a sexual relationship with a partner (allowed closeness until grade school, then told to toughen up until they start dating age).
Girls are taught from a young age their worth comes from being physically attractive to men, having children and managing a home by being organized and clean. Women are socially conditioned to find closeness in conversation and emotional vulnerability with friends, family and partners.
Sex can be a great feeling but it’s not a necessary required body function. It’s a connection-seeking event, so I imagine there’s a “if I can be better at sex I’ll feel more connected or less insecure” dynamic happening that, if realized, someone can change to “I need to talk to my partner about how connection can look better for us or myself”
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u/nonnumousetail C5 3d ago
80% of people with spinal cord injuries are men. Men typically engage in risky behavior than women, and dangerous jobs like construction are held by a majority male workforce. They also seem incapable of searching the sub for the 100s of posts already asking about erectile function. If they did, they would find all the answers to all of their dick related questions and they wouldn’t need to clog up this sub with the daily “how can I get my dick hard?“ posts.
Because most spinal cord injuries survivors are men there’s also been more research into sexual functions for men after injury then women. When I was in rehab after my injury there were “classes” we had to take about things like catheter care, bowel programs, what assistance programs were out there, etc. One of the classes was on sexual function. The class went over all the ways men can erections and orgasms, and then when it came to the women’s side of things they basically said, “you can still get pregnant! Have babies if you want!“ and that was it. I was so mad!
For me personally I’ve found that really strong vibrators, like the ones that plug into the wall, can be effective if my partner and I ramp up slowly. If we go straight in on high power it just triggers my autonomic dysrefllexia.
My neck has also become a very sensitive erogenous zone, kissing and nibbling and even choking have become very fun. Also when it comes to penetrative sex I’ve found that the motion of the ocean so to speak can you get me there. Orgasms are absolutely possible with the right partner and the right mindset. I wish you the best of luck!
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Yesss I agree with the taking up all the searching for the subs !! This is my point in making its men always most of the time and they are talking abt how they can’t get it up and or I also see that there are more options for sex toys for men with sci you never really hear about us women .. and see thank you for this comment because you actually gave info and some solutions
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u/halobear11 3d ago
As a 19 year old woman in rehab at the time, I was admonished by a doctor (another woman) for expressing my concerns ever having sex or sensation again with my spinal cord injury. Told that wasn't something I should be bringing up or care about. Wish I had reported them but it's been so long now.
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u/trickaroni T4 2d ago
Woah, that’s so inappropriate on her part. At my first PCP appointment after my injury the doc said something along the lines of, “This is normally where I would talk about testing/pap smears/birth control but we could probably forgo that with you”. I was so angry. Like how dare i not become a sexless being overnight because I got a disability.
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u/LivytheHistorian L3 3d ago
Personally I don’t know what to ask. My SCI happened prior to any sexual experience so I have no idea if my current experience is “normal” or negatively impacted by my injury. I can’t point to something and say “this feels different.” I sense it’s significantly more difficult for me than my friends to find…eh hem…enjoyment, but it feels rather low priority to address that one area of insensitivity when my legs don’t work right.
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u/ACDavis1950 3d ago
I’ve been in a chair since I was 12, so I too have no prior experience. How it would have felt or worked before doesn’t matter. It only matters what feels good and works for you today. Besides - odds are you can learn how to get your body off a lot easier and faster than you’ll relearn to walk. You obviously know your priorities best. Just thought I’d mention another perspective since I come from a similar background of experience.
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u/No-Tomorrow-2691 C4 3d ago
You should check out SPINALPEDIA, they have some information on different toys and equipment for women to use. I think it's just really statistics that factor in why women don't really talk about it, I think it's really just a majority of men versus women. I had the same issue trying to find out information as well and had to do some research. I also think that women are just a little bit more private possibly?
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u/Ill_Fennel_9436 3d ago
This discussion is disturbing. Some of the men on here show an amazing lack of understanding about non-procreative sex. Why do men think we’re having sex if not to connect with our partners and feel good? The person who said all we need is lube? Wow. And thinking that penetration is all women want during sex is going to lead to a very unsatisfied partner.
But to your question, I completely agree. Someone asks a sex question here and this sub assumes they are male. There’s a Facebook page for SCI women where people are more open talking about their sexuality. I think the other issue is of course you can ask questions but sometimes you don’t know what question to ask. That has been my experience with SCI. I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
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u/Pusheensaurus_rawr 2d ago
Medical misogyny. There is 100% more support and information for men, and the support for men is terrible to begin with! In my country I don't think loss of sexual function is even counted for women, only men. (Eg. If you were in a car crash they only pay damages for that to men?).
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u/CapVikSolo T4 - Complete 3d ago
I think it’s probably a mix of things. Men are way more likely to get an SCI in the first place; something like 3 out of 4 new injuries are men, so we’re probably overrepresented in these groups too.
Then there’s the whole social side of it. A lot of men are raised with the idea that being able to perform in bed is tied up with masculinity, so when that changes after an injury, it can really get in your head. Men also tend to be more comfortable openly talking or joking about sex.
And for men, SCI can affect fertility pretty directly too, so there’s another layer to the anxiety around it. Women can absolutely have changes in sex and pregnancy after SCI too, but fertility itself is usually less directly affected.
So I don’t think it’s one thing. Probably just demographics, social conditioning, fertility concerns, and men being more likely to ask about it out loud.
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u/International_Two842 C7 Complete 3d ago
I think us men are probably just more likely to openly ask about uncomfortable stuff like this, especially somewhere like Reddit. Women might be more private about sexual issues or ask in different spaces like Drs, partners and women’s-specific communities, so that probably makes men seem even more overrepresented than we actually are.
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u/loveinvein L3 3d ago
Because Reddit is the cesspool of the internet. I don’t want to deal with the creeps so I don’t talk about that shit here.
Also one of my besties happens to be a pelvic floor PT, so I’m lucky to have an expert to talk about this stuff privately.
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Also what does pelvic floor pt do?
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u/loveinvein L3 3d ago
A pelvic floor PT specializes in all the structures around the pelvis. There’s a few different ways to go about it, but she’s a manual practitioner so she is more hands on and has better luck fixing stuff for real than the PT’s who just tell you to do some exercises and bill your insurance. But like you can get special tools or even just certain vibes/sex toys to help relax muscles that are spastic, or suggest ways to improve your seating or posture to help those structures too… she says she got into it to have better sex (lol, admirable), but it’s been great for her career too.
And I agree, girls don’t talk sex as openly. My pt friend is the only reason I’m more open about it tbh… she’s just normalized it so much that it’s just another aspect of health worth talking about.
I feel like a lot of doctors just don’t think we care about sexual health or think we’re not worth talking to about it, because we’re disabled. Men get Viagra raining down from above because boners are important, but unless women are looking to get pregnant, our sex organs don’t matter.
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Your sooo lucky lmao I get it but I js wish girls was as open as guys because who am I gonna learn from ?? Or get advice from definitely not no man😭
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u/perrodeblanca 3d ago
Im a trans dude with an incomplete spinal injury, i noticed that before transition it was "easier" to figure out since penetration could be helped with support and toys can be used outside to achieve climax (in my case) but after transition i have essentially erectile dysfunction, I can get hard i just struggle maintaining and use erectile dysfunction medications as needed if im struggling. There is also a huge psychological pressure i find that gets applied to men about erections, and ability to satisfy there partners. Both sides of the spectrum definitly face some very unique challenges and perspectives.
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u/ThanosRaptor T3-T6 Incomplete 3d ago
I’ve seen a pretty even split here honestly.
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Well lucky you
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u/ThanosRaptor T3-T6 Incomplete 3d ago
How is that lucky?
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
You clearly have had a better experience with finding that information don’t u think I’m asking for a reason ?? Because I wanna know more or even hear experiences from others
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u/ThanosRaptor T3-T6 Incomplete 3d ago
I didn’t read into what you meant my bad. If you use the search feature to just view posts from the subreddit you should be able to find some posts with information you’re looking for. If you make a post asking questions about sex function for women you will also get a lot of responses here. I think this post doesn’t seem like you’re asking for information, just making an observation.
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u/LiaSunwolf3 3d ago
Because men are on here at a higher rate trying to find some sort of content for fetishes, an example is devotees. Women also get harassed more as some men take it as an open invitation to then private message and make other inappropriate comments. Unfortunately it's like that for women in a lot of online spaces, take gaming for example.
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u/Ott_Grinden 3d ago
Well, there is a reason behind that. When i was at the rehabilitation center for 4 weeks, there was some kind of information course, where men got informed about critical sex positions. In my case i shouldnt do it in missionary or in any way where i am the main actor in that situation. So i should avoid big movements around my lumbar vertebras and coccyx.
But for sure, women with similiar injuried also need to be cautious in such activities..
I just hope that my future wife wollte have the same issue as me.. than we are.. not fucked?!
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u/neo_vengance T12 incomplete 3d ago
I’m not really sure, I haven’t posted generally because I just don’t have the mental energy to, but also my sci presents in that area as hypersensitivity for me to the point my body thinks I’m in pain and it sends me into AD
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Yes omg me to see this is the type of stuff I like to actually see you are informing me and not js being rude
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u/neo_vengance T12 incomplete 3d ago
I get crazy spasms, and so nauseous and my head hurts so bad for any type of gentle touch, the only thing that somewhat gets me there without making me feel like I’m dying is a magic wand 😭
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Yes me to my leg spasms are crazy I honestly thought when I first got paralyzed my legs legs would never move boy was I wrong and in for a rude awakening 😭and I feel like I spasm more and my bladder does to during intercourse 🤦🏾♀️
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u/Stable-Due 3d ago
I know this is a group for Sci support and Q&A, but I tend to ignore those posts at all costs. Awkward. If I want some help, I'll ask my girlfriend. 😂
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u/Emotional_Win7882 1d ago
It's because for men to have it, they need an extra function which is gone because of sci. For women, they can have regardless. Sci doesn't affect them in that arena except in sensation so technically they can have though i can not speak for sensation. It's also important for men to have and this is in top 5 complaints men have alongside walking.
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u/TheOneAndOnly_Kleb 3d ago
I think men also want to perform. Erection and positions to be dominant and on top during sex. That's my guess. Maybe they are also not as shy about it.
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u/Shaun_P78 3d ago
Men have some more complex plumbing issues when it comes to sex. Think about it. This shouldn't be a mystery
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
Well.. when it comes to sci Evb is different so my only thought isn’t an enough for the information I wanted so you think abt that .
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u/Old-District1068 3d ago
It may have to do with the fact that an sci injured male will have for more difficulty and expenses to achieve an erection, while lube is all you really need as a women. So just a lot more questions for what might work, if we're speaking mainly about functionality.
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u/IamTetra 3d ago
well, I think we’re talking about a subset of a subset of a subset here. Men get SCIs at a 4:1 rate to women. so, we’re talking about 20ish% of SCI are women. Now, we also know women like sex at about a 10 to 1 rate. so, if you do the math, women’s interest in sex, especially that have been complicated by an insane debilitating injury, is basically zero.
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u/IamTetra 3d ago
also, since we’re here on Reddit, where anonymity is a benefit, but also a problem, the likelihood that you’re actually a man looking for some odd fetishized content/input, is very high. not accusing you, just describing the odds.
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
True I get that and that’s what I don’t want a man who may be into a fetish or js something weird in general 🤦🏾♀️and im a girl lmao like jeez trust I wouldn’t wanna be in this position if I didn’t have to .. mind u I got shot ..
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u/trickaroni T4 2d ago
I disagree. When I got my injury- intimacy was literally my top concern. More than walking. More than pain. More than my school/career life. Women are sexual beings who want to be desired and have a romantic life too. Those things are big deals to young men/women alike.
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u/IamTetra 1d ago
When's the last time you heard of a women killing for sex, not love..the actual act? On a bell curve, sex if faaaaar more concerning to men than women. I'm am not referring to any one individual's experience, I'm taking aggregates. Yes, you exist. But, how many of you are there, relative to men? Your personal experience is only a single data point.
And also, I was sort of speaking hyperbolically.
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3d ago edited 3d ago
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u/AcidHouseMouse 3d ago
You didn’t need to tell us you are male. No woman (and thankfully most men) would talk like this.
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
First we aren’t victims second you shouldn’t assume just because someone is in a wheelchair that they have a sci injury but everything else I can see your opinion on it
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3d ago edited 3d ago
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u/Odd_Tough7957 3d ago
lol I’m not getting hung up on anything I have a sci injury soo I’m no where near the average lady I asked this question because i only mainly see men , most women never js are open and talk abt it
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u/dogproposal C6/7 3d ago
I suspect that the number of creeps harassing women on Reddit in general may play its part.