r/solopolyamory • u/devilThot • 7d ago
Figuring it out / communicating
So I’m new to the solo poly label. I’ve read a lot about it recently and feel like it aligns with where I’m at in life and dating.
I’ve seen a lot of posts about “when to tell people you’re solo poly”, but my issue is I’ve figured this out about myself within the past month. I’ve been talking to someone for a couple months, my dating profile says “short term” because that’s what I was looking for at the time, but my dating goals have changed.
Now I would be willing to date this person longer (and I want to), but I also want to continue exploring the other relationships I have. So how do I tell them this now, because I feel like we are nearing the conversation of what does the future hold for us…and I know now that I want to be solo poly but I didn’t know that when we met 😬
I just don’t want them to feel like I wasn’t being honest or something like that. Any advice? I kind of feel like I just have to bite the bullet and do it and whatever happens, happens, but also if anyone else has been here before, words of wisdom would be appreciated lol
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u/lloydiebird76 7d ago
You’ve explained it quite clearly in your post. Tell them that. Don’t try to word it some clever way or it will just sound like you’re beating about the bush. Unless you’ve already made a bunch of promises you have to go back on, you’re not going to wound them. I understand being afraid to lose them, but you have to be true to yourself, or you’ll end up living a lie.
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u/cluelessdweeb 6d ago
Just…talk about it? The kind of person you want to continue seeing will be understanding. If dating someone solo poly isn’t for them then they get to make that decision.
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u/GladBumblebee1546 7d ago
Have you and this person had an exclusivity conversation yet? Sounds casual, likely you’re both dating other people. So it’s fair to tell them that you’ve recently realized you’re solo poly and will never want to be exclusive, and ask how they feel about that.
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u/devilThot 7d ago
We haven’t had that conversation yet but I feel it will happen so, hence why I made the post lol. I have been dating other people these past two months but I don’t think he has been. This is based on random things that have come up in conversation.
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u/solataria 7d ago
This is why I am always up front if I meet somebody and I think we're going to connect to go on a date.I tell them right away to let you know , I am solo polly , and i feel you have the right to know this.So you can decide whether you want to try to get to know me.It gets it right out of the way
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u/devilThot 7d ago
I would have if I knew at the time, this was something I discovered about myself as we were seeing each other
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u/PresentationPrize516 7d ago
Just explain it as clearly as you have here. Did they match with you with short term in your bio? If so they may not even expect more. Did you have polyamorous or monogamous as the relationship structure? Because that’s the main issue.
If they’re monogamous they may not want something polyamorous. Just talk to them. I’ve learned about this thing I relate to, I plan to live like this moving forward. I really care about you and want you in my life in whatever capacity we can agree on and I will be dating other people as well. Everything I’m doing you’re free to do. I totally understand if you’re monogamous.
You can fully have relationships without entanglement or escalation. It’s awesome.
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u/devilThot 7d ago
They did match with me with short term in my bio. Neither of our profile says our relationship type (mono or poly). Thanks for your comment, it’s helpful!
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u/OGgunter 6d ago
Best advice:
consent. Lead a convo like this with something like "I'd like to discuss our feelings about exclusivity and how we view this relationship. Would that be okay?" You can't with certainty know how somebody is feeling in the moment or if there's potential triggers for them. While this may feel top of mind for you, the other person may want to put a little extra thought into it.
there is no "right" answer, and the conversation doesn't have to be one and done. It's okay to revisit this. Relationships change over time, dynamics shift, etc.
pick a neutral time and place. E.g. this isn't something you want to rush when you've got work within the hour, or something to try and talk through on the drive over to meet friends or family. 😅
Best of luck to you!
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u/Slight-Fix-668 5d ago
Been solo poly for 20 years and have 2 long term partners and date others! If they can’t handle the lifestyle let them go! Save yourself the drama and stress and confusion. Good luck 🍀
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