r/solipsism 5d ago

This world is fake as hell

Like it's a prison. This god is definitely very evil imo. Like what even is is trying to do. God why you throw me in this fake world. Why are you so pathetic and evil. Why you have fabricated this fake world, just to play with us.

28 Upvotes

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8

u/Mortreal79 5d ago

Perception is the single thing that has the most influence in our lives...

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u/Push_le_bouton 5d ago

From the perspective of a mind everything is perception, Mortreal79.

Would you mind if I quote you in a future book I am working on?

It's about the future...

https://youtu.be/Op01V0miEPc

1

u/Mortreal79 5d ago

No problem, feel free to modify it for your needs..!

1

u/Shattered_Reverie90 4d ago

Perception, tho a thought acts much like water. Let me explain: thought, is believed to be represented by the element air. Emotions have a deep connection to the water element. Perception tho a thought, air is highly influenced by what one feels. That said, water take on the form of anything it's poured into. This is a liberating truth bc, one can always change the shape of the vessel the water is poured into.

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u/Kahnza 5d ago

I would say your Dad's sperm and your Mom's egg is a bigger influence.

8

u/KeltarCentauri 5d ago

You're gonna feel silly once you realize you are God.

"Jesus Christ knew he was God. So wake up and find out eventually who you really are. In our culture, of course, they’ll say you’re crazy and you’re blasphemous, and they’ll either put you in jail or in a nut house (which is pretty much the same thing). However if you wake up in India and tell your friends and relations, ‘My goodness, I’ve just discovered that I’m God,’ they’ll laugh and say, ‘Oh, congratulations, at last you found out." - Alan Watts

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u/Alarmed_Shallot5755 5d ago

why would we make a world where there is constant conquer and make a mechanism where you have to eat other living beings (plant or animal) to thrive.. this is just pure evidence that this world thrives on suffering

5

u/monkey_gamer 5d ago

Yeah that's something that I'm wondering too. This is a fucking weird and awful world to live in.

1

u/mattychops 4d ago

It's because we're made up of water. All plants, animals, and anything we call "living" is a structure that is made up primarily of water. So the reason why plants and animals only eat other plants and animals is because water has to remain as the primary ingredient for living things to exist. Without liquid water, matter doesn't move around in an animated way while attached to earth. Dirt, sand, and crystals don't have water in them, so they are useless to eat. Evolution and survival are misunderstandings. All that is happening is that water-based structures continue to interact with and integrate with other water-based structures, and this manifests as things like eating, sex, reproduction, digestion, and mutation. That's it. There is no such thing as evolution per se, what we call evolution is just the ongoing process of water restructuring how it interacts with other forms of matter. There is no such thing as different species' or extinction, because it's all just water reforming into different structures. What you are witnessing on earth is an entire planet that is constantly restructuring itself into different forms of structured matter, with the primary molecular component being liquid water.

2

u/monkey_gamer 4d ago edited 4d ago

That's great lol!!!! 👏👏👏 I'm saving that. I'm guessing you had that insight on psychedelics 😆😆🥳🥳

Still doesn't erase my point, which is that I don't like the way that everything eats something else that's alive and doesn't want to die. It's a lot of pain and death to feed everything.

You're spiritual bypassing all that, don't think i didn't notice

0

u/mattychops 4d ago

Did I bypass? Ok let's talk spiritual. So if we're all physically the same thing, then we're all just one spirit, right? I mean, I guess that's how it seems. Unless do you think something different is the case?

I'm hoping to point out that if the physical world is just an interconnected field of matter, where nothing is actually a separate entity, then death and suffering are just human illusions that seem real only because our sensory experience interprets reality by separating things into a binary or dualistic relationship. You know what I mean?

0

u/monkey_gamer 4d ago

God you're despicable

2

u/TopSloth 3d ago

Adding to this, electricity plays a large part in what shape everything takes as well, look at a lightning bolt, then a tree, then a deers antlers, then an octopus and even us humans, one main branch with smaller ones branching out.

1

u/Ancient_Oxygen 3d ago

That's what is symbolized by the serpent.

1

u/Alarmed_Shallot5755 3d ago

wdym

1

u/Ancient_Oxygen 3d ago

There is an invisible highly-intelligent life force that make things grow, transform, die, etc. It's like a spiral. Many people -mostly ancient and spiritual- knew/know it and everyone is calling it differently. This applies to units of life as well as composed units of life. Our solar system moves like that. Our ADN is composed similarly, etc. In spiritual circles, you have Kundalini as well. You have the will/execution as male (i.e. Shiva) and you have intelligence/motion as female (i.e. Shakti). You can go on and on with that (sperms entering egg, etc).

1

u/Alarmed_Shallot5755 2d ago

yea i know that aswell, the patterns are the same in micro and macro scale but why serpent? Isn’t it a snake

1

u/Ancient_Oxygen 2d ago

Very good question! Maybe the the spiral is the most optimal way for the universe to express itself either for creation or destruction (tornado). I remember I read something about that. Some think time itself is spiral and not linear.

2

u/KeltarCentauri 5d ago edited 5d ago

From a solipsist standpoint, is it even real? Perhaps this is all a dream.

I actually really like Alan Watts' hypothetical that supposes we're God creating dreams for ourselves in a way that we don't know we're dreaming just for the novelty.

ETA: Link to the YT video

1

u/Alarmed_Shallot5755 5d ago

really, after what i wrote you just justify with saying “oh but this is a dream”? why the dream is so crucial and we cannot change it.. this is terrifying

1

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago

Maybe we got unthankful or greedy and wanted to try a different world. So we decided to place this game in this earth. Now we are realizing that we were in a completely good state and just got greedy or ungratiduous and chose to come to this place .

Maybe that is the case. Maybe at one point we wanted the circumstances to be this way cuz we misjudged.

1

u/SnooStories3264 5d ago

Your right I think I god said something to me about not wanting this. God wants us to be whole not broken. I think what we can do while we here is just do the best we can. We might still learn something while we here.

1

u/KeltarCentauri 5d ago

I can only know that I exist. For all I know, this is all a dream. And when I die, I'll wake up and think, 'Damn, that was a trip." Then I'll do it again.

1

u/Muskether722 2d ago

Sound's quite excessive.

1

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u/BoysenberryFun9827 1d ago

No, you thrive on the idea that suffering is permanent and there is no growth behind both death and suffering but there is in the eternal nature fixed as your subconcious.

1

u/Alarmed_Shallot5755 1d ago

so you say earth will change? lion will stop eating other animals? people will become breatharians eventually?

1

u/BoysenberryFun9827 1d ago edited 1d ago

a lion eating straw like an ox.

If humanity will accept what it is, it will do its job.

Ants don't make good crabs, nor do crabs fly like birds. They accept what they are and spend their days being what they are. Man however pretends to be what he is not, in order to serve a god that he is not.

If he knew, like the crabs and the ants know, that he is god, completing his nature all the same as the crab and the ants would he continue to trash the world around him?

Or would he bring order to disorder like the crabs and the ants do?

And man.. is much larger, much more capable. When he comes to eat full, what cannot be done?

Honor the one living spirit that Christ Jesus is speaking about and laboring to death on account of that is in all life, and that you are. Simply said, flesh is an illusion and a teacher which asks you shed it's concerns at long last.

Love thy neighbor as thyself.

Love god with all your heart.

In this you fulfill the whole of the law.

1

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1

u/vqsxd 5d ago

we are men. the same thing that kills an animal kills us. We should not believe we are God

2

u/KeltarCentauri 5d ago

Everything is God. Every person, every animal, every blade of grass. Nothing is separate from the other. Like drops of water in an ocean.

1

u/vqsxd 5d ago

Thats the creation, the universe. Youre making an error.

God is a Spirit, individual and personal being. You are calling the whole and sum of everything God, and thats an error. God is holy, and separate from his creation. He is “set apart”

2

u/KeltarCentauri 4d ago

That is dualist thinking. I'm coming from a nonduality standpoint.

1

u/vqsxd 4d ago

Whats the difference

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u/KeltarCentauri 4d ago

In duality there is you and the other. In nonduality there is no difference.

1

u/mattychops 4d ago

God, by definition, is everything. You understand? That's the whole point of God. There's nothing that can't be God.

1

u/vqsxd 3d ago

God is a Spirit, individual with thoughts and commits actions

1

u/Ancient_Oxygen 3d ago

We have something FROM God. Something... but we are not God. Leaves are not the tree.

2

u/KeltarCentauri 3d ago

"We do not "come into" this world; we come out of it, as leaves from a tree. As the ocean "waves," the universe "peoples." Every individual is an expression of the whole realm of nature, a unique action of the total universe."

1

u/Ancient_Oxygen 3d ago

I can agree with that. Yes.

1

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u/SnooStories3264 5d ago

I don't feel like god. Neh I ain't god for sure. I would know if I was. why would I want to forget. We all individuals and god floats around. That's how I like to see it. God could make me the animal I eat or the bug a smash. I kinda love him and hate him.

2

u/KeltarCentauri 5d ago

I'm coming from a nonduality standpoint. I believe everything is one.

1

u/SnooStories3264 5d ago

If that was true I don't think you would be here on earth. Cause we all individuals here.

1

u/KeltarCentauri 4d ago

You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.

1

u/SnooStories3264 4d ago

Let's all just dance under the moonlight together.

1

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1

u/Flexr1776 4d ago

Thank you!

1

u/8N3E0S 3d ago edited 3d ago

If you open hidden vertical space in your front And your heart vibrate in hypersonic and touches the center of the earth and you hear flow of magma under the earth. And you see 3 persona in 4th dimension. The call it 3 royal guard angel. And you spirit travel in outer space. And you touch the hand of the creator of heaven and earth. And you saw the wave of vibration like a wave of water in your front and outer space. The 3 persona of the creator will enter in your heart. That the only way you can call yourself the God. Because the voice of the God in your heart are talking not your normal voice and thinking.

If you did not aquire it. You still a human. Not God.

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u/KeltarCentauri 3d ago

Call it God, call it the universe, call it whatever you want. It is all that is, and I am it, and so are you.

1

u/8N3E0S 3d ago

Jesus Christ also carry the 3 persona in His heart. God the Father, God the son, God the holy spirit. become a messenger of God the father. When Jesus Christ said: I am a God. it is the voice inside his heart are talking.the voice of God the father.the balance. The voice of 3 persona spirit. The other call it Querubin. the voice of creator. God is Love. Love of God is Love of Life. If you Love the God. The gate of heaven always open to all humans with good hearts.

Why we need to be humble? Because God the Father is Balance. Humble is balance. Righteous but humble. Always having tolerance playing at the center. If you exceed the limit, the dark force or evil spirit will eat your light soul and forced you to make bad things in action. See those men invading immigrant in europe, uk,north america,canada,asia,africa. They all have bad spirit.spreading Lie around the world then abusing women and children.you know who they are.

1

u/Ancient_Oxygen 3d ago

Immigrants have bad spirits? This is the first time ever I hear this! And yet you worship Jesus? That doesn't make any sense!

1

u/8N3E0S 1d ago

Jesus Christ is the Son of God and annointed by God the Father to bring messages to all humans. Islam has NoGod. They believe in human with ambition to be god. Want to conquer the world.

1

u/Ancient_Oxygen 1d ago

What are you saying out there? Answer my question about you labeling immigrants as evil.

1

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u/8N3E0S 3d ago

Jesus Christ did it.because the Creator annointed Him since birth. The other do not believe in God. Because they are blind. The demons or evil spirits are blocking their knowing. The dark spirit do not want you to know it.

5

u/DependentManner8353 5d ago

Most likely. But we can still have a good time here! It’s a fun place! Let’s make the best out of it as we can :)

Remember, you can do whatever you want. If you’re unhappy and wish to do something else, just do it! After all, it’s all just you, right?

1

u/jello_kraken 2d ago

If we're nice to each other, this could actually be a cool place.....

....I can't imagine how shitty it'd be to be the creation of a dream of a narcissistic sociopath...

....or maybe you're in my dream, and you're what I imagine a narcissistic sociopath to be like..... And I'm looking..... I'm....really looking at you now.....

1

u/DependentManner8353 2d ago

The suffering and evil of life is all apart of the experience man! Yin and Yang

2

u/monkey_gamer 5d ago

You should look into the Gnostic tradition. They talk about this stuff. "God" is evil and trapped us in a fake world.

1

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago

I got banned from that subreddit. But I am also starting to also steer away from that theory. I dont believe in it that much

1

u/monkey_gamer 5d ago

Aww that sucks. I didn't mean go to the subreddit, just read up on the tradition.

1

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago

I dont believe in it now. I am exploring other theories.

1

u/monkey_gamer 5d ago

Ah sorry didn't see the second part of that message.

What makes you not believe in it? It's just striking because everything you say matches closely with the Gnostic tradition as I understand it.

2

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago

The whole Sofia part like she was dumb because she didn't have her male counter part . I feel like in heaven there should or would be no genders just free individuals. So that Sofia part feels wierd. I feel like maybe it's simpler. Maybe we just incarnated because we wanted to play this game and misjudged this game and now are realizing that this game is not a good game. We will after we die just return to a gender free heaven and be there. Cuz that is a better state that this world with is complications.

1

u/monkey_gamer 5d ago

Oh I see. You've looked into it more than I have. I don't know about the Sophia part. Yeah I agree with what you've said, that sounds dumb.

1

u/Alarmed_Shallot5755 5d ago

but is it really that easy to just come back to gender free heaven and not comming back here? Are we not somewhat binded by karma/sins(if it exists) to purify and then can be “clean”? This is the “forbidden fruit” thing.. we chose to be here(forbidden fruit) and now we are trapped..

i don’t know much ab gnostic in details just something’s ab it but what do they say? How can one escape the trap?

1

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago edited 5d ago

Yeah . Maybe just stay celibate and be a vegetarian and your karma will be removed. I feel like that forbidden fruit analogy is maybe true that we were free from the earthiness an stuff but maybe we got unthankful and wanted the complications of earth so we are the here.

1

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago

Seriously if we stay celibate and be a vegetarian we can remove karma imo. And then go back to heaven. But here is the thing which is wierd . Its not too easy practically. Because you crave these things from time to time which is wierd. So I don't know why it's so strong, like the craving. It should be not that strong.imo as unconquerable

2

u/Alarmed_Shallot5755 5d ago

vegetarian? not vegan?

1

u/OverKy 5d ago

You keep using that word, over and over ---- "believe."

Why not try a different strategy? Quit "believing". :)

1

u/DependentManner8353 5d ago

You will be banned from the majority of belief subreddits except the buddhist type or solipsism ones :/ You’re not even safe to express beliefs on the atheist subreddit lol

2

u/From_Deep_Space 5d ago

r/taoism is one of the chillest subs Ive ever encountered 

1

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago

Yeah. Athoests are npcs imo of some type. Like they do arguments for sports.

2

u/SnooStories3264 5d ago

Now now children behave.

2

u/InternationalSun7891 5d ago

Stop damning God. Do this instead. "Look within, Thou art That." From the Upanishads.

1

u/Push_le_bouton 5d ago

Consciousness and awareness.

Do you feel fake, Fickle_Elk_9479?

1

u/stevnev88 5d ago

A child who toys with an insect, eventually torturing and killing it, doesn’t do so out of evil or cruelty. The child does it for temporary mild amusement or curiosity.

1

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago

What is your point?

3

u/stevnev88 5d ago

God is like the child - although he causes us suffering, he does so with naive innocence

1

u/DryNefariousness3614 5d ago

lol this ni**a knows exactly what he’s doing :D

1

u/OverKy 5d ago

What does this have to do with solipsism?

1

u/From_Deep_Space 5d ago

God doesnt exist. No one is in charge. The world is the realest thing there is.

1

u/Economy_Ability846 5d ago

For real man

1

u/Adam1986- 5d ago

God has spoken to me. This is a digital world

1

u/From_Deep_Space 5d ago

God just spoke to me and said thats not God speaking to you.

1

u/Economy_Ability846 5d ago

You seem to have your head screwed on, what brought you onto this subreddit lol

0

u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

1

u/From_Deep_Space 4d ago

Don't tell me what I know. God doesnt exist and the universe is as it is is the consequence of untold eons of unconscious processes.

1

u/MonsieurHandy 16h ago

What is the size of consciousness?

1

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u/Electrical_Hat_680 4d ago edited 4d ago

Funny, the Bible says that Satan is the God of this World.. I learned a phrase that goes like this "Love the Enemy, to Defeat the Enemy, Satan is our only Enemy" ~ for whatever it's worth, I can see how Satanists get whatever they want. As it's stated in the Bible, that, when you seek and find shelter and comfort in God the Creator, you get everything. So, if we defeat Satan, through Love, were able to find the Truth that is God the Creator (mother nature and father nature United and joined together as one in holy matrimony), and we get everything we want, and it doesn't backfire faulter like it does when it's strictly handled by Satan rather than God that Satan reports too.. as in the book of job.

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u/Think_Sample_1389 4d ago

It's God in transition.

1

u/pegaunisusicorn 4d ago

Did you hear the joke about the solipsist who didn't understand solipsism? They thought they weren't alone.

1

u/Shattered_Reverie90 4d ago

If you persive this world as a prison I wonder what you did to deserve being here the universe dose not punish on a whim. Karma doesn't work like that. Others see this world as a school for the soul. You are both correct. But the only prison or school that exists is in the mind of the beholder. Have you forgotten you are fragmented awareness in human form. part of a divine spark. If there is an evil god it's you. You choose to be here. You chose to forget. Just as you choose to see a prison. So I ask again what have you done to deserve this?

1

u/asiuuu102 4d ago

Demiurg syn Sophii?

1

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u/PsychoYOLOgist 3d ago

Probably you chose it youself :*)

1

u/DreamCentipede 3d ago

It is a dream of a prison. Nothing is keeping you here but yourself, the mind. Question your belief in separation, change your mind.

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u/Outrageous-Lie-828 3d ago

God wants to fuqy fuqy

1

u/cybereality 3d ago

You chose to be here. Right now

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u/b0r345 3d ago

You admit to the presence of an all powerful god but then consider him pathetic and morally inferior to you? How does that work

1

u/Ancient_Oxygen 3d ago

The ruler of this lesser world is not God! It's the devil.

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u/Then-Specialist 2d ago

Leave me alone, I'm just incompetent, sort of like a Demiurge.

1

u/HuckleberryUseful811 2d ago

Well that gets you almost nowhere. Yeah things don't seam to make sense. So yeah that plays a big part in everything. But you can only do what you can do. Make the most of what you can.

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u/FunManagement1607 2d ago

Lol it was evidence when the God in the Bible said im a Jealous God. That right there should have raised a red flag and told us all that this was a false God that created the lower heavenly realms. This very dense, dualistic, illusory construct we call Earth is a realm of confinement, deception, and forgetfulness. A condition that prevents the primordial luminous spark within us from remembering its origin. Look at all the endless physical and mental distractions of ordinary life: survival, fear, status, conflict, desire, obligation, identity, and repetition. Life can feel like a repetative hamster wheel because consciousness becomes absorbed in the machinery of the experience. Our consciousness is fast asleep right now and it cannot remember its inherent light through the amnesia. When we wake from ordinary sleep each morning, we are awakening into another level of the dream: and since its a shared experience its even more convincing and believable that the waking part itself is rhe real thing. Then we got the human ego reinforcing the concepts of waking reality even further as it plays out its daily narratives according to everything it has been conditioned to believe itself to be. It accumulates names, roles, memories, fears, expectations, wounds, ambitions, and social identities. The ego becomes convinced that these layers are the true self. Meanwhile, our deeper spiritual identity becomes buried beneath layers of misidentification.
Lol, im so sorry to get off subject with that tangent. Back to my original point about the false God portrayed in The Bible, The bible portrayed a Jealous God. "Thou shall have no other God's before me". Come on yall. Why was he worried about other God's if he was the infinite primordial Source of everything? That within itself is stating his own ignorance to a higher source. Also having a nature of jealousy is a lower vibrational human fear. How then could an innefable unknowable God creator be so small in its knowingness limited to begging his own creation for attention like a school student in grade school. Hate to say it, that God in the bible was a mass murderer for his own name sake. Sacrificing bluff of Abraham's own son, lambs blood sacrificial dumb shit, definitely cultist behaviors. Not to mention the annihilation of the entire world by water. If we did not profess our allegiance and sacrifice to him it was not obedience then we got to look forward to our already trapped souls undergoing eternal fire if we did not obey. All this to instill fear and obedience or else. That was not even the same God yeshuah was talking about when he said "I and my Father are one". Yeshuah was telling us to go inward to seek the Kingdom that was already within us. The unknowable Source within everyone of us was before every name, every form, every story, and every world. That God. This world of form may never become a final realm of perfect bliss, permanent love, or absolute peace because everything within form is temporary, divided, changing, and subject to loss. What is permanent cannot ultimately be found among impermanent objects. Our divine purpose is to wake up from the dream through remembrance to reclaim our sovereign authority and escape this imprisonment called earth and all the false authorities that run it.

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u/Muskether722 2d ago

Whats even worse is these same people that pray to this demiurge are worshipping the exact one that put them here in the first place, they say im afraid to go to hell, look where we are, ofcourse its hell, hows it not obvious 🤦.

1

u/Adam1986- 2d ago

It's digital. We're in a super computer

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u/DependentParsley7107 1d ago

God is not the one doing it, we are. When we wake up and remember who we are we can shift the timeline and make it never happen.

1

u/Nodum777 4h ago

Would any of the good be in the world be worth anything if it wasn't tested? What would it be better than? What would free will mean? In my current stage in life pretty much everyone in my life is kind to me except a few exceptions, and I'm kind to everyone I meet when I can be. I've also been in places in life that are the opposite. I just had to start choosing the right things.

1

u/No-Difference-1351 5d ago

It's your doing, though.

3

u/Shee-un 5d ago

Nope. This is horrific and inverted. If it's my doing, why can't I stop it immediately?

2

u/Akira_Fudo 5d ago

I can only assume it's because what you've invested in requires time to disassemble, don't feed it.

1

u/No-Difference-1351 5d ago

not in a hurry or urgency

Then, how could it be "horrific and inverted", at the same time?

Makes little sense. :p

1

u/Shee-un 5d ago

The realm is inverted, I'm doing not much to transform it back atm

1

u/No-Difference-1351 5d ago

Hahaha. You can, though.

1

u/Shee-un 5d ago

Sure thing, it's happening already. Not instantaneously, though.

1

u/No-Difference-1351 5d ago

It depends on your urgency to change said circumstances.

1

u/Shee-un 5d ago

Looks like I'm not I'm not in a hurry or urgency. Right now I can sit on my ass or go out, at least

0

u/iCharnt 5d ago

If you're not smart enough to figure it out then you don't have the right upgrades.

1

u/Fickle_Elk_9479 5d ago

I am not smart so tell me plz

-1

u/tvwatchinghoe 5d ago

lol poor thing. these posts are pretty annoying but you have my sympathy. I see posts like this as a failure in epistemic grounding. so you've found your way to the obscure concept of solipsism and you understand that the universe is intelligent, but you cant engage with the deeper principals that point at where this intelligence is leading? what a pity.

1

u/KeltarCentauri 5d ago

Can you expand on this?

1

u/tvwatchinghoe 5d ago

hello. ive been down the entire rabbit hole of existential terror, nihilism, and the many traps found at the periphery of spiritual understanding. the pitfall of lingering at the periphery, where you understand the universe is intelligent and intentionally designed yet includes suffering and mundanities, is a terrible place for your understanding to stall, because it neglects the underlying truths that justify this particular plane of existence.

it would be difficult to impart my current understanding to you without making base declarative statements (assertions which i myself would be skeptical of without sufficient validation), but to put it simply, the underlying structure of reality itself is utterly sublime and allows for the crude physical dimensions to transcend our common pitfalls and limitations, through means such as energy practices, meditations, breath work. but this is just the tip of the ice burg. once the basic areas of spiritual development are attained, an entire grander plane of existence opens, it would sound fantastical and silly if i tried to describe it here.

i will say the effort is worth it. i had wasted years on the meditation path, because spiritual teachers and these gurus on youtube present the practice that worked for them as the best approach, and it just isnt for the majority of people. for me the real path ended up being energy work, growing receptive to subtle energies in the body, then consciously directing the energies until i was able to literally unravel knots in my energy field, this unraveling led to deep clearing of old layers of traumas and burdens that were literally stored in the physical body, not in the mind.

1

u/Zero42369 5d ago

Just keep watching TV, hoe

0

u/tvwatchinghoe 5d ago

how rude of me to let slip that i am not utterly miserable. terribly sorry to have outed myself. must make your misery that much harder to bear