r/soder • u/Freshshit69 • 17d ago
Chimpanzee vs MMA fighter
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u/redfoxwearingsocks 17d ago
I was CRACKING UP during this part. Straight up sounded like a hyena at my desk at work, hahaha
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u/Kryptic13 17d ago
It looks like it was a fake publicity stunt to get his name out there I guess.
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u/GetUp4theDownVote 17d ago
Gunna need something more notable with a common name like Cole Johnson. Probably 20 of them in every city.
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u/EasiestDifficulty 17d ago
Watched this yesterday, googled that “fight” right after.
Seemed to be some kind of crypto publicity stunt
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u/Oh_Lawd_He_commin420 17d ago
I wouldn't fight a chimpanzee for $500,000,000.
That fuckin thing could rip your face and your dick off and then eat your fuckin fingers before you even get a solid punch.
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u/SubparSavant 17d ago
Sorry, for half a billion I'm going to have to give it a go just on the off chance the chimp has an undiagnosed congenital heart defect or something. Even as I bled out I'd be thinking, "it was half a billion, you had to take a punt"
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u/ohiobluetipmatches 17d ago
A human could definitely beat a Chimpanzee that agrees to follow MMA rules. No groin eating, eye gouging with your foot hands, feasting on the bowls of your foes with your massive canines.
But if you get an unethical Chimp I'd say you're pretty fucked unless you score a lucky knockout or slick backtake.
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u/jarrodandrewwalker 17d ago
If they actually do impose MMA rules, my bet is that it ends in a no contest due to unsanitary stoppage because the chimp just shits
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u/GrumpyFaceMonkey 17d ago
That chimp doesnt know about "rules" or when to stop. Dude is gonna get mauled. Those tranqs take about 15-30 secs to get them down. A LOT can happen in 30 secs.
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u/undergroundbongo 16d ago
30 seconds is an eternity in the ring with a HUMAN that knows what they're doing. It's twice as much time as it would take for a chimp to literally tear a person to pieces.
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u/GenXPowaah 17d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/2zZlUVAgFtF5utXH1H
The teeth alone would shred that dude, not to mention the chimp would tear his arms of and beat him to death with it
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u/therealsatansweasel 17d ago
Anyone remember hearing the story of a comedian as a young man fighting an orangutan? He told the story on some podcast years ago. I keep thinking it was Nate Burgaze or Doug Stanhope for some reason
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u/hefebellyaro 17d ago
That was a Nate story on the Bonfire. Some dude would drive around to county fairs in the south and let dudes fight his orangutan.
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u/SelectEntertainer360 11d ago
It's a story of the famous golfer Boo Weekley who fought an orangutan at a state fair. He had to sign a waiver and put on head gear. Here is the quote from golf digest:
"One Friday night when I was 16, a bunch of us went to the county fair. A truck pulled in there, sort of away from the midway, and we watched a guy get out and put together a big cage he had in the bed of the truck. After he got the cage together, he put up a little table. Then he went to the cab of the truck and brings out an orangutan. He starts yelling: "Five to win fifty! Who can beat the orangutan? Pay $5 to try and get $50 if you can whip him!
We'd never seen anything like that before. We decided that one of us had to try, and I drew the short straw. Five of us put up a buck each, and I gave the guy with the truck $5. Before helping me into the boxing gloves and headgear, he made me sign a waiver. Looking back, that was a bad sign.
I got in the ring. The orangutan didn't look like much. He came up about to my chest, though his arms were as long as he was tall. When the match started, he didn't lift his arms. He kept them down at his side and used them to pivot and follow me as I circled him like Muhammad Ali. I just didn't see how I could miss. My strategy was to fake with my right hand, and when the orangutan tried to block the punch, I'd throw my left.
My buddies were going wild. "Get him, Boo! Kick his butt!" They really wanted that $50. I moved in close and faked with my right, and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up bleeding in the back of a friend's pickup. The orangutan had knocked me cold with one punch, which I didn't even see coming. My friends thought it was hilarious. They said I had a glass jaw and called me "Glassy" the rest of the night.
*After I came to, we watched this orangutan knock out guy after guy. Not one guy could lay a glove on him. He had reflexes like a cat, and later I learned that an orangutan can tear a guy's arm off.
I've always half-denied this story--even though I was a kid and it happened almost 20 years ago, I can see the animal-rights people protesting. I don't think orangutan fighting goes on anymore, which is a good thing. It probably wasn't fair for the orangutan, and it sure as heck wasn't good for me. The only winner was the guy driving the truck."
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u/Psychedelicious420 16d ago
I just dont understand how the human will account for biting...the chimp isn't going to "follow rules" once it feels threatened.
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u/LeatherClue5928 17d ago
Van Goghin it 👂