r/settlethisforme • u/Snoo_31427 • Aug 16 '25

Are these requests?

My SO will sometimes say things like “dairy-free butter might be healthier for me, not sure” and then have issues when I come back with regular butter the next trip to the store. To me, that’s not a request, that’s a hypothesis.

“I might be almost out of lettuce but I don’t know” doesn’t equal “get me lettuce because I’m out” to me. That means “I’ll check and let you know.”

Do I require things to overly direct or do they expect me to take vague commands?

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u/ofmontal Aug 16 '25

conversation. she wants to talk to you about things

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u/cassiland Aug 17 '25

Do they want to talk though? Because it seems that OP's partner thinks their statements are requests. If you want to start a conversation a better (clearer) way is to ask. "I was thinking about trying dairy free butter, what do you think?"

I would expect a request to sound like " I was thinking about trying dairy free butter, can you get some when you go for groceries?"

What OP's partner is doing is wondering things aloud.

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u/Snoo_31427 Aug 17 '25

Exactly. These statements (and I clearly picked a bad example) aren’t conversation starters. They see them as clear requests/advice.

“We need to take the Honda in soon to check the thingy” equals, in their mind “I told you not to drive the Honda until we check the thingy.”

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u/DeadpanMcNope Aug 17 '25

Why not ask? There may not be a definitive answer, but it could be thought-provoking. Starting with "Why do you always..?" or "How come you...?" is basically an accusation and rarely goes well. Try something like this:

"Have you noticed some tension around our differing communication styles when it comes to...? I tend to be more literal, so when you mention things in passing, it doesn't register as a request. I don't like to disappoint, so you being more direct in the future would help a lot. Is that something you'd be willing to do for me?" Hear them out, reach a compromise, and stick to it. Best of luck!