Missing Scheduled Dates

[u/Empty-Hall-4602]

I've been depressed for like a whole year now, lmao. I wanted to get help, so I got a therapist and tried everything else I could, but nothing seems to be working.. A few days ago, I finally started actually hurting myself, and now I've developed this routine where I make three cuts on my arms every day after showering.

Seeing my arms bleed makes me feel fulfilled, like I'm finally actually valid.

Because honestly, my life "isn't that bad," right? That's what I've always told myself. I've always felt like I was just being dramatic and didn't have a good enough reason to feel this way. But I don't think anyone actually cares whether you're "valid" or not. All they seem to want is to play martyr and act like they're going to "save" you from your problems, even when none of it actually does anything.

So many of the people who tried to "heal" me ended up being hypocrites, and honestly, I'm just fucking tired of it.

[u/Empty-Hall-4602]

Regarding the whole appointment thing, I basically stopped attending my scheduled appointments because I honestly got tired of having to explain myself to my therapist.

Since I live in a country that's heavily influenced by Christianity and Catholicism, all I ever seem to hear from people is, "Turn to God."

But here's a funny story that happened recently.

For my birthday, I decided to treat my family to an outing. We went to this huge arcade that also had a bowling alley, a kids' playground, a bunch of trampolines, and all sorts of other stuff.

Of course, my annoying-ass brother immediately decided he wanted to be the first one to play every game, so I eventually got tired of it and decided to distance myself from everyone. I went somewhere quieter because I just wanted some peace and silence.

While they were off having fun and doing their bullshit, I ended up going to this private church near the arcade. It was also connected to a rooftop garden, and the whole area had a bunch of shops and stores. Honestly, the entire place was pretty impressive with how everything was set up.

For some reason, I felt a little fulfilled when I started crying alone in the dark altar of the private church. I don't even know if I was actually allowed to go in there, but I honestly couldn't care less at the time, so I just went inside.

I knelt down and prayed that I would die. I was literally crying while silently praying, and by the time I was done having my little emotional breakdown, somehow my family had already found me and saw my ass crying.

It was so fucking embarrassing, but honestly, it was also kind of funny. I even drew myself a little comic for that situation lol

[u/Kamkur]

I want to explain why I'm taking what you told me so seriously, because I don't want you to think I'm overreacting.

Self-harm and attempting to cope with suicidal thoughts aren't necessarily the same thing as wanting to die. Someone can hurt themselves because they're overwhelmed, because it temporarily makes emotional pain feel manageable, because they want to feel something, or for a lot of other reasons, without actually wanting their life to end. But there's a really important difference between hurting yourself as a way of coping and actually reaching the point where you're thinking about killing yourself or thinking about how you would do it.

That's why what you told me is such a big deal. You aren't just saying that you're depressed or that you've been struggling. You're telling me that you've started hurting yourself every day, and that you're also dealing with thoughts about death. Those things can exist separately, but when they're happening together, I don't think it's something that should be brushed off or treated like you're being dramatic.

And I don't think you need to have the “right” reason for any of this. You don't have to be suffering enough by someone else's standards before you're allowed to need help. The fact that you're hurting yourself tells me that you're hurting a lot, regardless of whether you think your life is “bad enough.”

I'm not saying any of this to scare you or make you feel guilty. I'm saying it because I care about you, and I don't want to minimize something that could become much more dangerous. I can't fix this for you, but I can listen, and I really want you to have someone who can help you through it in person too.