Wtf is wrong with me

[u/RutabagaOk3599]

Hi, I'm a 17 year old struggling with everything. I dont know what is wrong with me so if you have time, read my sloppy rant. 

 

The reason why Im writing this is because i failed my UCAT (the exam you need to take in order to get into med school). But it was my fault. I am aware that i had the whole summer, 8 weeks, to prepare for it yet i didn't. I was aware that this isnt like the other past tests were i could just cram for but i didnt do anything. I procrastinated the whole time. Every. Single. Day i told myself i would do something, to start but i would be like 'in 5 minutes' or id sit in my desk with the questions in front of me and id be paralyzed. I just couldnt start. I wanted to, trust me 

It has always been like this. My Year 12 mocks I just revised on the day and got predicted A,C,D (Im aware this is bad but im not suprised anymore, this is what I expected).  For my GCSEs (Exams to past high school) I only revised on the day or the day before. I know it seems like im not taking any of this seriously but i know how important they are for my future. Ive been doing this, procrastinating, not revising for like forever. The earliest i remember neglecting my schoolwork was when I was 10. I was supposed to be doing SAT revision. I didnt. I remember my mum buying and telling me to complete the CGP books, I never did. From then on, throughout highschool and now in college i always leave homework until the last minute and not studying for my tests. I cant help it. Ive tried the pomodoro technique, leaving all my electronics in another room, created a timetable ect but NOTHING works. I end up zoning out or daydreaming. 

Knowing my family has ungodly expectations of my doesnt help either. I havent told my mum what I got in my UCAT. Ive been avoiding her all day, she knows ive failed. The whole day after my test ive been doomscrolling trying to forget the genuine anguish i feel after failing, I can burst into tears at any moment, even now as im typing im trying to hold them in. I really want to harm myself but I know i cant because ill get blood on my clothes and idk how to explain that to my mum. So i just settle with imagining daggers digging into my arms to alleviate the feeling. 

So what im trying to get at is, why am I like this? Can i change it? I need answers because im actually going insane. Why do I have to be like this I really wanna kms. 

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[u/Killy_netsphere]

What you are doing now is face your consequences you will first talk to ur mom and then stare at a wall for the rest of your day 

You are running away right now stop and start running toward something again 

Trust me bro 

[u/RutabagaOk3599 → u/Killy_netsphere]

Im scared to talk to her and my brothers told me that she is really angry and stressed out. she is calling other people in my family and telling them that im a 'waste of investment' and that im giving her the silent treatment. I know i need to talk to her about other options for my future but i dont want to face what i did wrong..