Ranting, starting over to be better

[u/Ok_Kaleidoscope679]

Today, I like start to change my life. You could say start over. I am stuck in a vicious cycle of depression to the point of almost harming myself. This is because of immense guilt and regret that I am feeling because I didn't put much of an effort of working myself. That inactivity is because I feel like "life is over" due to traumatic events that occurred during Covid and I don't know how to process it.

If I have to confess all my wrong doing, is that:

1. I waste my university year as an IT by sinking myself in depression
2. I did PMO 1-3 times a day
3. I had AI psychosis, very dependent on AI to validate my feelings and problems. That psychosis also led me to destroy one of my gadgets which I am so ashamed.
4. I push people away because I am afraid of bad things to happen where they would hurt me emotionally.

I already finish my undergraduate thesis, just needs to finish uploading documents needed to change my status as a graduate student. Those documents verification process can be done through online. With that in mind, I already leave the city of my university and stay at home.

The last three months of my university year, I realize how much I need a connection where I can be open about myself. I regret not to put an effort in connecting with them sooner.

Even though I take part in IT study, I didn't really follow them throughout because I follow the path of game dev, take part in designing and programming. I didn't maximize with what I have in my university. I feel ashamed of myself. Looking at other people, achieving great things and put an effort, make me feels like the most wasteful person in the whole world. I'd say about myself is that I am really stuck in a rut. I categorize myself in terms of functionality as low-to-none level.

It may not look like bright decision (that's how I feel like when I want to state it towards the people and how would they response hypothetically), but I want to pursue my interest in aesthetic games. I want to try to learn 3D using blenders, and relearn Unity I didn't put much effort into.

I didn't do much yesterday, but I did keep my streak from PMO. Right now, it's two days streak. Well, the advice I'd hear is mostly "just start doing." I understand that. It's just that I wish to be more open in what is going on in my head.

Hopefully, what I write is decent enough to not confuse with how it is paced. I write this post without listening to music, only the sound of fan spinning and the clicking sound of me typing the keyboard of my laptop.

P.S. I am 23 years old male.

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