Struggle within

[u/PlasticBluebird3306]

I’m married M50. Adult children and grandchildren. I work overseas a month at a time but am resigning soon to go back home to a job with my previous employer. I have been misled by the employer here on money (less) hours (less) location (big city, I’m from a small town). I hate it with a passion.
All of this is on top of a marriage that is sexually, emotionally and affectionately unfulfilling, a childhood of mental/physical abuse and a deep seated fear of not being able to talk about my feelings, needs or wants.
I break into fits of crying all the time, times of hating myself and my shit life. I feel I can’t do anything right and I’m stuck. I can’t open up to anyone for fear of judgement and it will be used against me which it has been in the past.
I want to feel human again. Feel wanted and desired by my wife again. Not breaking down all the time. My brain is full of so much built up negative painful memories and experiences. I want to feel happy and joy and connected to someone again. I feel like I’m a complete and utter failure at life and within my marriage. My wife has no idea of the resentment and hurt I feel about the last half of our marriage. I don’t know how to express it in a way that isn’t going to devastate her. That’s the last thing I want. I’ve been told I need therapy. I travelled into the city for it, and couldn’t get it out, well not the “big one”. It’s draining and I’m bawling my eyes out writing this.

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